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Food and Body
To Keep or Dismantle My Network of Vices
I have never considered myself to have an “addictive personality”; whatever that means. For most of my life, I could take or leave alcohol, cigarettes and food, but more recently things have looked very different to me. I wasn’t using the classic poisons to escape my emotions, but rather self-destructive habits like starving, cutting or casual sex to get out of my conscious. I have also noticed that when I drink alcohol, a story of regret usually follows. After cutting, I feel ashamed and after sex, I feel numb. I do not know if this means I would be better off avoiding my vices or just dealing with it for the time being. After all, cutting out alcohol, sugar, sex, smoking weed and self-harm sound like a lot. Logically, I know that I need healthy ways to cope with my emotions, but I feel addicted to my tendencies and am intimidated by the work ahead of me, and anticipate being alone for quite a while.
One step at a time I guess.
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