Rejection causes painful emotional wounds that may trigger or intensify obsessions, depression, or anxiety.
Research tells us that rejection is extremely distressing not because we are weak, but because of the way our brains are wired.
In one study, when people hooked up to MRI machines were asked to think about a recent rejection, their thoughts activated the same areas of the brain that respond to physical pain. This is why even slight relationship snubs may hurt—a lot.
Yet, most of the damage done following a rejection is self-inflicted. We tend to go off by our self, lick the wound, and become extremely self-critical. Our sense of worth has taken a blow, and we continue punching it by ruminating on our faults, and calling our self hurtful names.
A Better Response
Despite our brain’s wiring, psychologist Guy Winch reveals we are not at its mercy. We can respond to rejection in healthy, life-affirming ways. Here are three of his suggestions for limiting toxic rejection reactions, soothing our hurt, and bolstering our self esteem.
Review Without Self-Criticism
There is never a good reason to dwell on our faults or put our self down after a rejection. It is helpful to review what happened and think about what we might do differently next time. However, it’s important to do this without being self-critical. For instance, realizing, “I should probably listen more and talk less on my next first date,” is beneficial. Thinking, “I’m so stupid!” is not.
It may help to realize that most rejections are not personal but are the result of circumstance, or people not being the right “fit.” So, blaming our perceived shortcomings is misleading, and a waste of energy.
Reconnect Right Away
Human beings thrive when they feel connected to and valued by others. Since rejection causes us to feel devalued and disconnected we need to actively remind our self that there are people who love us, and appreciate our presence.
If rejected by a friend, we might put our self in situations where we can make new ones. If colleagues go out after work without us, we can call a friend or sibling to meet us somewhere for a bite to eat, or we might make our parent’s or grandparent’s day by giving them a call to say, "Hello."
List What We Like
We all have something to offer others. After experiencing rejection, we can boost our sense of self-worth by listing - actually writing down - at least five qualities we like about our self, plus a brief statement about why each of these qualities matter. For instance, we might be a good listener, a conscientious employee, an empathic friend, see the good in people, and be a good problem-solver—all attributes that either build relationships, or inspire trust, and respect.
It’s First Aid
According to Winch, we can acknowledge the pain of rejection, feel it, and continue to thrive by choosing healthy responses.
Though affirming our self-worth, reconnecting, and avoiding self-criticism will not eliminate the sting of rejection, these actions do provide emotional first aid to lessen our discomfort and help us move forward constructively.
Source: Guy Winch/Ted Talks
Photo credit: Nisha A
