I am female & fear of being bi-sexual. After sperateing from my first ever boyfriend (I was happy with him), I started feeling arosed by looking at women, but it looks so awkward. I feared, got depressed. I fear of meeting other girls & cant get rid of it

Submitted by niloofar Wed 02/17/2010

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It certainly rings a bell, it

Submitted by Matteo on Wed, 02/17/2010 - 5:17pm.

It certainly rings a bell, it strongly reminds me of my case (check my question above yours).

Thank you Mateo. I read your

Submitted by niloofar on Wed, 02/17/2010 - 6:42pm.

Thank you Mateo. I read your case. I do see a lot of similarities. Exactly, like you before I first felt these 'awkward' feelings, I had no question about my sexual orientation and have always imagined myself marrying a guy and forming a family.
Even since I first felt confused, I don't remember having fantasized about women. Just when I see some of them, it 'arouses' me in an unpleasant way which makes me feel bad and weak and unfortunate in life.
In fact I have gone back to relationship with my former boy friend (we never really cut our strong emotional ties).. and when I am relaxed I totally enjoy his accompany and love and do not feel any tendency for women. By the way, I am virgin so I have not really experienced full sex (because of religious/ conservative beliefs of both of us and no other reason)..

Moreover, at first my feelings where much more frequent than now. I talked to a consultant last year. She asked if I had OCD before, and yes I had.. two times in my life I have entered hard to control fear mode.
Her comments helped me but not that it totally removed the thing. A year is passed now and my bad feelings are a lot less. But still every now and then it pops up and screws my happiness at social events. :(
I even, tried to face it and say, ok maybe I am bi-sexual and just never knew about it.. but still I fear, even after trying to acknowledge that to myself.
Do you think this is OCD? or an emerged bi-sexuality?

I can totally feel you. Don't

Submitted by Matteo on Wed, 02/17/2010 - 8:38pm.

I can totally feel you. Don't worry, to me you seem a well-rounded person that can effectively manage it, whatever it is. It sounds very OCD. For more insight into the subject, read this scientific article: http://www.brainphysics.com/research/HOCD_Williams2008.pdf

The fact you feel so sad about it is a bell that rings "OCD". The use of the word "arouse" though could (but just could) imply some bisexual tendencies. Still:

Even in that case: Bear in mind that bisexuality leaves enough room to make a flexible choice: Men, women, or both. In your case, you make the choice that makes you feel more ok with yourself, and that is men (or just one man, if you want to be monogamous).

There is also that theory (Freud supported it too) that we are all bisexual at first and differentiate, if we ever do, later on.

Another thing that will console you is what my therapist told me: many strong religious believers tend to worry in an OCD way about their sexual preferences.

Since what you choose is strictly hetero, even if you might (just might) be bi deep down, you are ok pursuing the hetero path that is the one you want.

But if I had to bet on your case, I would bet on OCD => straight. :-)

Still, the similarities to my case are stunning:
3 and a half years ago I came across a counsellor on a phone-line and i desperately told him: "I have homosexual impulses and that eats me away, I cannot imagine my life without wife and kids, but i'm afraid i will not be able to escape them. I have just tried only with women though." He reassured me that, in any case, since i wanted it that much, there was room for choice. I kept telling him that the attractions exist, but he kept believing I'm a confused hetero. He told me that the homo path was not deterministically chosen for me. "Ok, you look at a man and you feel something like a desire. So what? Don't suppress it, just let it go. No harm done. Besides, it's not that you don't like women." Then I felt a breeze of hope. I was so happy. The thoughts and their impact were lessened because I didn't put that heart-beating significance on them.

But from time to time they kept coming back. Even when I didn't put significance on them. Having though excluded the case i'm gay, it was much easier for me to make efforts with girls (unsuccessful because of their rejections, not for any other reason like lack of desire from my part). I just told myself "i might be bi as for my attractions, but straight as for my behavior".

But these unsuccessful attempts produced more stress and more questionmarks, actually without realistic reason, so doubt came floating back... I was also a virgin, due to religious reasons, lack of self-confidence and fear of trying with girls (fear of rejection, fear of being gay, that are usual OCD fears too). I lost my virginity recently to a prostitute at a brothel (the anguish was that much that i reluctantly easened my religious inhibitions). I was stressed as a first-timer and it took a while to achieve an erection, but the girl reassured me it's always like this at the first time and the fact and only that we managed to have intercourse was very good. Friends told me also it's so stressful during first time, so no worries there.

I have already had 2 sessions with a therapist. He quickly told me it's OCD. And that there might be some slight same-sex attractions too. I am really afraid I have both and even that the attractions are not that slight; in the article I linked above, it is said that having both OCD and ego-dystonic sexual orientation is possible and their symptoms are very similar. But if you feel the thoughts are unwanted, then it's just OCD.

Like you, I also have other types of OCD too.

Again like you, at social events my mood gets spoiled just in no time, when i see a very attractive guy and feel that weird urge.

Anyway, read also this http://www.ocdonline.com/articlephillipson7.php , it's very very helpful, and even this http://www.whosoever.org/v2Issue2/warren.html (the message is so positive, even if you are bi, you have the power to choose the path YOU want).

But consult a therapist, have a range of sessions together and I think you will dismiss it as OCD.