Am I just being selfish? Bipolar or...

Hi Vera,

Well, for starters, it sounds like you live in a "crazy-making" environment - and one that is chaotic and negative, which is very unfortunate. Sadly, you can't change your mom.

As for whether or not you're bipolar. Well, I don't have enough information to say, as that would require a thorough evalution. But, I am inclined to say I doubt it.

"Mood swings" are a symptom of bipolar disorder. But not typically the rapid back and forth mood changes that you describe - in which your mood literally seems to change from one moment to the next, often easily influenced by external factors.

Individuals with bipolar disorder have a history of at least one full blown manic or hypomanic episode - and those last much longer than a few minutes or a couple of hours (or even a day).

A more likely possible diagnosis (and please do not take this as an "official diagnosis") might be borderline personality disorder. (Do some reading on that and see if that describes you better.)

My main concern for you is that you do sound like you have a lot of symptoms of depression (or "dysphoric mood") as is typical of borderline personality - but that's not totally surprising considering the very negative, explosive home environment you've described. It also may be that your mother has some mental health issues of her own.

Your suicidal thoughts are not something to take lightly, and I encourage you to talk to someone about what you are feeling - whether it's a family member or relative that you trust, a school counselor, or someone at a church where you feel comfortable.

It's really unfortunate that there is so much conflict with your mom, as she is ideally the person for you to talk to about setting up an evaluation with a mental health professional.

I hope this helps. You sound like an intelligent, insightful young woman. Adolescence is a tough time because of all the hormonal changes and fluctuations going on in your body. Add to that a home environment that is unpredictable, chaotic, and filled with negativity and conflict, and that makes it very dificult to cope well and feel normal.

If your suicidal thoughts persist and you ever think you might act on them, please call the national suicide hotline at 1-800-273-8255, or call a local hotline, 911, or go to the nearest hospital ER. Your life is precious and there is help available.

Thank you for the reply.
I pray to god it's NOT bipolar. If it was, that would be accepting the fact that this may carry on throughout my entire life. If it's the environment - it would be merely reaching legal age and moving to a friendlier one. (this is an entire different topic as I have nowhere to go, as my mom moved me abroad when I was young). But anyhow - again thank you for your reply - I've already been forced upon my school counselor (not a nice encounter) because there was a clash with school and the "low" me.

Also, you mentioned about the high-low periods dragging out over time. Mine vary through extremes in terms of how long they last too. I was in a low October through early December. I nearly dropped out of school, but they decided to close their eyes on my "absences". I'm obviously not dropping out now.

This is just some more background information, as you also mentioned may be required. Now that I feel more levelled out that yesterday, at least I feel like I can write things down logically. I apologize for the previous entry, I was quite umm... frantic.

So anyway, as with the school thing, when I'm in highs and lows i tend to do crazy things.
Which also makes me blame myself for my mother's behaviour, deserving everything she throws at me. I'd never viewed it from your proposed perspective - that she in fact may too be suffering mentally in some way too.

There is so much more I can say. Both here, and at counselors where I feel the struggle for words. There is just so much about ME that I cant even tell apart what's normal and what's not.

- V.

Also, I just looked up BPD and unfortunately no, none of the descripted symptoms fit my condition in any way. The only way I can see the link made is through "Disrupted family life" but then again - that may lead to a number of things. None of the others relate.

(i.e. Fear of being abandoned

Feelings of emptiness and boredom

Frequent displays of inappropriate anger

Impulsiveness with money, substance abuse, sexual relationships, binge eating, or shoplifting

Intolerance of being alone

Repeated crises and acts of self-injury, such as wrist cutting or overdosing)

source: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmedhealth/PMH0001931/

All the stated symptoms - I am the exact opposite of. I am happiest when I am alone (believe it or not, I ran away TO the golf course FROM my family to spend New Year's alone. It was amazing. Fear of abandonment - not at all. Also never self-harmed, indulged or binged and i'm good at managing and earning my own money (Earn > Spend). Innapropriate anger is not one as I am extremely composed around others and it really takes a big push to set me off.
Finally emptiness and boredom - NO NO NO. The exact opposite yet again. I constantly want to do things, I feel like I don't have enough time, I want to GO GO GO. I feel really full and never bored. When in a high - I feel enthusiastic about my ideas and plans. When in a low - these ideas depress me. I think you get the picture.

I just hope that gives you a deeper insight, to clear any blurry bits made.

In your initial post, you first said you were "chronically depressed", then later said your moods changed "from moment to moment". Also, you indicated that your negative interactions with your mom could immediately ruin your happy high moments.

Those are all typical of borderline personality disorder - but not bipolar disorder. Borderlines are unable to regulate their emotions - and that's why they are so reactive to external things (like you with your mom). They also often experience significant lows (and sometimes meet the criteria for clinical depression in addition to their other diagnosis, but not always) that can last for along time (although within that time frame they still have "high" moments).

You don't need to meet all of the criteria to qualify for a diagnosis. However, as you have pointed out, you may not fit enough of them. Reading a list of symptoms, though, doesn't really provide all the nuances of a disorder that a skilled clinician can sort through when doing an evaluation.

It's possible you have bipolar disorder, although I don't have enough information to say, as I haven't evaluated you. You need a thorough face to face evaluation with a very experienced clinician (I emphasize "very experienced" because newer, less experienced clinicians are the most likely to make an inaccurate diagnosis.)

Obviously others are concerned about you. It's unfortunat your interaction with the school counselor was not positive. I hope your mom will be open to setting up an appointment with a psychologist or psychiatrist (I would recommend a psychologist because, regardless of your diagnosis, I think you would benefit from therapy, and many psychiatrists focus on medication management rather than therapy.)

If it is determined that you have bipolar disorder, it's not the end of the world. The appropriate combination of therapy and medication can help you feel more stable and learn ways to manage your symptoms.