What is wrong with me, is it just hormones or is it more serious?

I haven't spoken to any councilors or anything before but I'm getting really sick of feeling like this, a couple of years ago my dad died of cancer, I was fourteen at the time and I watched him slowly morph from his happy plump self into a very skinny man, unable to talk, eat or do anything for himself,he slowly lost all dignity and I could see how helpless he felt, I get really upset even thinking about it and it's been nearly two years now, when he first became ill I was so indenile I didn't even want to think about it and after he was on morphine for months I couldnt face seeing him with all the pain and confusion in his eyes I couldn't tell what he was thinking but i know he wasnt happy I never really got a chance to say goodbye because I just kept telling myself he was going to get better even though I knew he wasn't, I started drinking alot to block out the pain and I wouldnt let anyone close to me, I pushed everyone away, I lashed out or brokedown when ever anyone tried to help, since his death and still to this day I feel weird, like I can't be a teenager, I cant have a laugh, I feel like I'm 40 years old and all I do is worry and stress I can't really remember the last time I was genuinely happy, I don't even like going out with my friends at the weekend and for some reason I find it really hard totrust anyone I only really trust one person and I don't know why, I have no reason not to trust people. everyone says I act to old for my age and I know I do but I don't know how I'm supposed to be anymore it's been so long since I felt normal. I have been tellin myself its just hormones for the past two years but now I'm begining to think it might be something more. It's like my life is an emmotional rollacoaster that never goes up and only every goes straight or down. Also my life has constructed a very boring routine but I don't really feel motavated to do anything, I feel like I'm just totally stuck, I don't really know how to explain it properly but what I'm feeling is just like everything seems so pointless to me because nothing makes me truely happy, I just want to have that fun feeling like most teenagers have but no matter how hard I try I cant get to it. Nobody knows how upset (or whatever this feeling is) because I hide it and just try and get through each day as it comes but then when I'm on my own all the feelings and memories just seem to swallow me and I cant block them out anymore, when I try to talk about my feeling my mind goes blank and I just can't get the right words out and I forget what I was thinking or what the last thing I said was I feel like a rabbit caught in headlights. can you help me please I want to live my life before its to late.

Hi Fabia,

It sounds like you have been very depressed since your dad died. Losing a parent at the age of 14 can be very traumatic. It sounds like you have never had a change to talk about or work through your feelings, and your grief turned into depression.

Have you talked to anyone (e.g. your mother, another family member, a pastor / priest, a counselor) about this?

While hormones may be playing a role, I don't think they are the cause or even a primary contributing factor in what you have described. I strongly recommend that you set up an appointment with a mental health professional for an evaluation and treatment, so you can start feeling better again. Hopefully your mother will be supportive of this.

You can start feeling better again, but it may take some time to work through all the unresolved grief, guilt, and other negative feelings you are experiencing.