Am I HOCD?

Hi,

It doesn't sound like you are gay at all. It does, however, sound like you have many symptoms of HOCD.

It is perfectly normal to be attracted to someone initially, then have that attraction fade or completely disappear once you get to know them and you discover that you don't really like them after all. That has nothing whatsoever with being gay, but it is a fairly common trigger for those susceptible to HOCD.

As for statements you've heard about being a closeted homosexual - if you were, you would know deep down that you are gay, and would be attracted to people of the same sex - but that is not what you are experiencing. As for "sometimes people do turn gay" - that is a myth. Sexual orientation is not something that suddently changes at some point in one's life.

If the symptoms you are experiencing are creating significant distress and / or interfering with your ability to function normally, then I stronggly recommend that you get treatment. One of the best types of treatment for OCD is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. It takes work and is a process, but you will learn ways to reduce the symptoms and make changes in the way you think.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best!

Thanks so much for your help, Dr. Lane!

Since I've started back with school, I've been a lot less anxious. While at school, it's pretty clear to me that I find guys attractive in a way I don't find girls attractive (I'll think a girl is pretty, but I don't think "Man, she's sexy!" or something like that.).

However, I do still get plenty of intrusive thoughts. As in...I'll start having a heterosexual fantasy about a guy and then that guy will turn into a woman (causing significant stress/anxiety), which, in turn, spikes the HOCD. For this reason, I have trouble having fantasies now - I fear that, when I do, it'll turn into a homosexual fantasy - or, I'm just so anxious that it's hard to have a fantasy at all.

Is this normal in sufferers of HOCD?

Hi lt_ripley - yes, what you are describing is not at all unusual for people who suffer from HOCD. I'm glad you are doing much better now that you're back in school!

I think i am going through the EXACT same thing..
First off, i've always have had crushes on guys. In high school there was always a guy i was interested in. I also, growing up, loved watching heterosexual movies. my fantasies and ideas of finding the "one" in my mind was always a man. I've also always had fantasies and pleasant dreams of men. I have only dated one guy, we are on a break right now, but we have been together for almost 4 years (on and off). Over the summer i randomly came up with the thought that i might not be in love with him anymore. which from there started my obsessions. It was always on my mind, to the point where i was convinced i was not in love with him anymore, and broke it off with him. We still talked, but one of the conversations we had, he mentioned homosexuals, and instantly i was like "is that why i'm not feeling the same anymore, have i really just been gay?" I never thought of that at all when we were together. I was so in love with him.

This is not the first time i have had this obsession. When i was 8 years old i experimented with one of my friends, we never touched or did things like that, we would kiss though and pretend we were "boyfriend" and "girlfriend." it happened for a little while, id say a couple months before she wanted to experiment even further which made me run away. When i was 9 years old, i was raped by a girl older than me, and she made me do things to her that i will never (unfortunately) forget. And with these now reoccuring obsessions i always ask, did i enjoy it? or did i really want to? i was very young and didnt really understand what sex was in the beginning, but i know that it happened, i just dont want that to define who i am.

Now that i read HOCD online, which my psychiatrist recommend i look up, i remember thinking "this is exactly whats wrong with me" i never thought that something like HOCD was real. it made me feel better for a few minutes but then the obsessions came back. It's gotten to the point where i dont hangout with my girlfriends anymore because i think they are pretty but that triggers my obsessions and thinking "do i have a crush on them" and all of this stuff and it drives me insane. I work with a couple of lesbians at my work, and i know that if one of my friends were gay, i could care less, but since these obsessions have started i have avoided them, and everytime a girl touches my hand when exchanging money at the cash register i ALWAYS use hand-sanitizer to wash it off. It has gotten extremely out of control. I know in my heart i'm NOT gay. but i feel like my heart and my mind are two completely different people. It has gotten to the point where it has taken over my life- causing depression and anxiety to the mix. i dont know what i'd do if a women wanted to do things with me, and its scary and i dont like thinking about it. these obsession starts as soon as i wake up til i hit the pillow. Me and my family and a few close friends understand what's going on, and are supportive and reassure me that they know i'm not gay, and they could care less if i was, but to me it's wrong and not pleasant at all. i just want it to end, any advice? comments? i just really need some support.

Right now me and my ex are working on things, i feel like my obsessions of not being in love with him and being gay have masked my true feelings. i'm trying to work on things. cause when he is not around all i do is cry, and beg for him to come back into my life. For most of my life i have been dealing with OCD in general, and i'm really trying to get my mind together. Any advice or comments would be great, thank you all.