Evaluation: This was never really HOCD, was it.

Childhood: I had to be told to 'sit ladylike' all the time, I recently remembered. I had a ballerina dress that I got from my parents and wore it a lot when I was young. I remember seeing a commercial for Bratz dolls and I was begging to get one when I saw it. I sometimes played with my brothers' toys and insisted on taking out the screws when the batteries died in my toys. I had a Barbie Dream house I liked to play with when I was little, I collected Hello Kitty toys, and at one point I really liked Sailor Moon. I was always very shy around people, though. Because of that I never had many friends at all- the one's I did have always took advantage of my helplessness. I remember that when I was little (around Grade One), my friend had a crush on the new student. I thought he was cute in a puppy-dog way but I didn't like them. Although I still played along and chased him around saying weird stuff. I loved to play Mommy when I was little, too. I had lots of stuffed animals and baby dolls and played house a lot. I vividly remember a boy in my kindergarten class. He reminded me of the main character from Grand Theft Auto- a video game I used to watch my brother play. I was sad when he suddenly moved away one day. I think I may have liked him. But I thought just came into my head right now... what if he looked feminine?! Another incident that's a little more recent (Around Grade 3) was when I met a guy that was a bit Portuguese like I am (I'm only a bit though). Even though I didn't really feel I thing for him and actually didn't find him attractive, I decided to have a crush on him because we were both a bit Portuguese. I have no idea why I did this- it had me worried now- but later I did come to my senses because he was a jerk. An Asian boy used to follow me around because he had a crush on me. He actually pushed his desk up to mine in my French class around this same time. I didn't like him and was nervous of him so I sat beside my friend who was a girl to avoid sitting beside him. I just noticed that a lot of my friends have been girls and now I'm worried.
Before: Okay, up to more recently. I have had crushes on males that, at the time they were going on, I felt were true and legitimate. One of the first, big crushes that I had was on the actor Robert Pattinson when Twilight came out. I'm not feeling relieved writing all this like I usually do. It's just making me more paranoid like 'What if I never was attracted?'. Anyways, I really liked this actor at the time. I had a million posters, movies, books, and magazines. I even dyed my hair to look like the character her pursued. But my crush ended after I found out that he was dating an actress. My behavior confuses me, too. Another time was when I was anticipating a new student. This was just the school year of 2011 in Grade 8. I don't think I found anyone attractive at the time, so I was hoping that the new student would be a boy that I would find attractive. I did like this boy and found him very cute and charming. But it turned out that he was a popular person and had in fact dated practically every Grade 8 girl in the school. I gave up on pursuing him because the likeliness of me dating him was very unlikely. I also found out that he had already had sex with an ex-girlfriend and I didn't want to end up like her. I never thought of being with a girl at all. I got myself to school in the mornings by constantly thinking of how one day I'd be out of school and be married to the man of my dreams and with children. I constantly thought about my future husband and how no one else would matter after that. I was a very romantic person at this time and liked the cliche idea of men rescuing me and being romantic and tough.
Incident: I had a terrible attendance last year because my only friend was inside a different class so I had no will to go. My friend still hung out with me at lunch, though. But when I started missing days frequently, she found new friends. One happened to be a girl that I had disliked just by looking at her. Fast-forward to right before graduation. I was on Facebook talking to a new friend that I was introduced to by my old one that I mentioned previously. I sent her a video over Facebook that I thought she'd like since we have the same tastes. The video was a cartoon video of someone being terrified. The horror movie in the original was replaced with the Justin Bieber movie. The girl I hate happened to love Justin Bieber and came across my post. It started out as innocent insults from her like "lol that's so dumb" but somehow, it eventually turned to fighting. I remember calling her a lesbian for liking Justin Bieber and then she commented back calling me one for the way I dress. (Which makes no sense because I did dress feminine)
I still let this comment really get to me. I think it has something to do with the fact that my newer friend had started pointing out my every imperfection when I first met her and also because I was alone most the time: What I'm saying is that I've always had a pretty low self-esteem and it was pretty much non-existent this year. After reading her comment, I got a feeling of worry, insecurity, and fear. Imagine something like the only person in the whole world you love telling you they hate you with passion. Or your parents agreeing with each other that you're ugly. That's how I felt at the time.
After/During: I continued thinking about this. We were already out of school and graduation was in a week. I had all the time in the world to stress about this and get worse. Unfortunately that is exactly what I did, too. I got so paranoid that I started using the internet for things I would've been terrified to do before. It took a lot of bravery to do a Google Image Search for "lesbo"- especially when you had no idea how to clear your history and you Dad sometimes installed things on your computer through the internet. I searched for girls kissing (what I expected to find by searching lesbo) to see if I`d enjoy it. I don`t know how I felt at the time. I passed it as `disgusted` but it might of been more of worry/panic/anxiety. I then began asking repeated questions on a website I had regularly visited (Yahoo! Answers) in the LBGT category. The question was always "Do you think I am Straight?" and most of the people would say that I sounded straight and I didn't know why they said so because I sure as heck didn't think I did. I was temporarily relieved each time, though. But the fear would come back and I'd cry so hard I'd throw up. I began hiding up in my room all day, asking these questions on my computer and crying. I lost my appetite for a long time and eventually I decided that I would go down and watch a movie with my parents. Bad idea. If I saw I boy, I would get a feeling that I wasn't attract and get an extreme anxiety feeling and nausea. If I saw a girl, I would feel that I was attracted to her and get an extreme anxiety feeling and nausea. I began throwing up purposely because it would calm me down for a bit and get rid of that sick feeling. I hadn't been outside in forever so I finally decided to. For the time I was outside and around all those people, I felt happy for once in a long time because I noticed that I saw attractive guys and the girls were no supermodels to me. Also just being outside and getting fresh air itself made me feel better. But when I got back in the house, I was back to zero distractions from thinking. I began to believe and hold all my faith that since I felt better outside that when school started up again I would be back to normal and realize how much I loved boys and how ridiculous this all was when I would be around all the cute high school boys. I think that school would've honestly made me better if it started up just a few weeks earlier than it did. I lost my attraction and emotions completely and was feeling that all was lost and I was really just a lesbian in denial. Nothing could convince me otherwise and reassurance stopped having any effect on me.
I left out something very important but extremely embarrassing. I decided to see my reaction of masturbating while imagining that I was with a girl. I was able to do it by thinking that the feel was not actually from the masturbating, but from a girl's parts against mine. That sounds very sick and messed up, sorry. I also ended up doing this more than once and feeling awful each time afterwards. Sometimes I would imagine being forced by a girl, too. It was nothing romantic, though. But still I think I enjoyed thinking about how it would feel and now I'm mortified.

Present Day: There's no way I'm straight. My amount of good days are almost non-existent at this point, and now I have absolutely no hope of my heterosexuality. I hate these words, but at this point I am thinking, " I am a lesbian. I keep on trying to block out the truth and force myself to find attraction in boys although it's obvious I am attracted to girls. I was heterosexual at one point in time- or perhaps I was just confused about it and was influenced into liking boys. Perhaps it was because I saw and heard other girls talking about men in such a way that I felt the need to, too. Perhaps I'm only interested in the idea of love." My root of the problem is not wanting to be a lesbian. Not wanting to be what I consider as not-normal. Well, actually I don't know how to explain it. I just want to be attracted to men. I want an answer now and I don't want to continue with the idea of being a lesbian. I want a clear answer. But the catch is I don't want an answer anything other than "I am heterosexual". I will not be content knowing that I am a lesbian or bisexual. Or with the idea of accepting myself as one. It's not a very positive thought to think that I've changed into a lesbian, either.

Is this OCD? How? Am I doomed to be a lesbian? Will this go away without therapy? Have you heard of people with HOCD that had a similar story to mine?