HELP do i have HOCD?

Submitted by helpme8877 Fri 01/13/2012

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this has been going on for a while now..i'm a 16 year old girl who's been having these thoughts since march. it is almost a year later, and i can remember the exact moment when it started. my whole life i've always known i was straight. i never ever came to questioning whether i was or not. however i did worry about other things that none of my other friends ever worried about. i worried about passing out, throwing up, my parents disappearing, sleepwalking, cutting myself, hurting someone, having an allergic reaction, and now, being homosexual. even typing that scares me.
in 7th and 8th grade i've had boyfriends, but nothing serious. my freshman year of high school i had a big crush on this guy, we finally started dating, but then the next day he made me "uncomfortable" and i didn't like him anymore. since then i've had no relationships. but i did have a thing with a guy this past april until september. it was on/off, and i REALLLLY liked him. he was my first makeout and everything. whenever we'd be "on" my fear would go away because i knew i liked him and i could never be gay. but when we'd be "off" the thought would randomly come back. after we made out, he got a girlfriend and completely forgot about me. my parents even thought we were going to date. but i guess not.
so now my parents are constantly on me asking me why i don't have a guy i'm talking to. i live with 2 sisters, who both always have boyfriends. my one sister has had a boyfriend for over a year, and my other sister is always talking to guys and has had a serious relationship. i can tell my parents think something's wrong with me, and now i'm starting to think i do too.
it's not like no guys like me, i have a LOT of guys messaging me on facebook and trying to text me..but i don't have the interest to talk to someone i don't know, or someone i don't like. you know? like i have better things to do. but when i do like someone, i freak out if they text me or message me. but a part of me wonders why i don't want to talk to these guys. but i know i'm straight but at the same time something's telling me "you're gay!" but i know i'm not, but sometimes i wonder if its true but i know it's not. it's so stressful and confusing. i constantly have anxiety about it too.
when these thoughts first started i would cry everyday, wondering why i put myself through this if i know it's not true. but then i'd wonder if i was gay and that's why i was putting myself through it because i had to "come out" which would make me sick and cry. my fear has definitely mellowed out. it's not as bad, but i think it's because i'm so used to my mind telling me that. like i tell my mind "yeah ok, keep telling me that it's not true." but then i'll be like "is it?" and i'll go nuts.
sorry this is so lengthy, i just feel like i need to explain myself. so anyway i constantly worry if people think i'm gay. i'm probably one of the most unathletic girliest people you will meet. i love to sing, shop, be with my girlfriends, i LOVE make up, i think you get it. anyway, a gay girl at my school liked my picture on facebook and now i'm freaking out. do i look gay? does she think i am? i don't know, i'm scared. i just want answers, help, and reassurance. do any of you have hocd? does this describe it? sometimes i do beat myself up and let my thoughts take over. sometimes i even feel like i'm hiding from my parents and my mind's telling me to "come out" to my parents even though i know i'm not gay. i don't know. i'm so tired of this thought. i just wish i could go back to the day i had that thought, and never think it.
just please help me someone

Hi Helpme8877, Based on

Submitted by Dr. Lane on Sat, 01/14/2012 - 6:21am.

Hi Helpme8877,

Based on everything you describe, I suspect you have HOCD - which isn't really surprising considering your history of anxiety related to obsessive thoughts.

It's very unfortunate that your parents are constantly asking you why you don't have a guy you're talking to. It sounds like (and correct me if I'm wrong) that due to inexperience (or perhaps insecurities) you get anxious (and thus uncomfortable) when a guy you like shows interest. That doesn't mean you're gay.

As for the gay girl who liked your photo on FaceBook; again, that doesn't mean you're gay. EVEN if she thinks you look gay or are gay - that doesn't MEAN you are. There are many straight people who are sometimes perceived as gay because of how they dress or act. This girl may just think you're cute (and wish you were gay). Or, maybe she's just being friendly - after all, gay females still have non-gay female friends, just as straight females often have gay female friends.

It sounds like this is causing you a lot of distress. You didn't say if you've ever talked to a psychologist or other mental health professional about the various anxious thoughts you've had over the years (all of which sound distressing).

Perhaps it's time you sit down with your parents and talk to them about your anxiety (you don't have to tell them specifically about the HOCD thoughts if you're not comfortable). Let them know you feel very anxious and ask them if they'd set up an appointment for you to see a psychologist or other mental health professional for an evaluation.

I always recommend that people see someone who has a history of successfully treating OCD - it's a complex disorder and not all therapists have the skills to effectively treat it.

The best type of therapy for OCD is Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, so if possible, find a therapist who practices this type of therapy. It focuses on helping you change the irrational thoughts that fuel your anxiety - and it is the most effective type of treatment for OCD.

I hope this helps!

—

Dr. Lane