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help please. Hocd?
June of 2011 I is when it started. I'm an 18 year old girl and I seriously need help with this. I used to think this was H-ocd, but it has been a year of me questioning and my mind constantly saying "I'm gay" I have even "came out to my parents" and it helped for a few hours and then the thoughts, anxiety, and images came back. I've always been an extreme worrier and had odd fears but never anything too bad. I used to be deathly afraid of any weather change and when. I was younger I had to call my parents everyday in schol to make sure they knew I was in school and wht time to pick me up....I did this every single day. Then I used to worry I was pregnan and didn't know it, I was 11 at the time and it was impossible. Then I worried because I couldn't picture what my mom would look like when she was older that it meant she was going to die soon then my last worry begore this one was basically I was a hypochondriac I spent hours on the computer looking up illnesses I even did this in school and I would constantly check my pulse and my breathing compared to others..... so now I have this worry. I saw this girl that I used to think was cool and admired and it worried me a little and then later on I remember one of my friends asking me something about a song and it hit me....."do they think I'm gay" which then escalated to"do I look gay" and finally "am I gay" I woke up with anxiety, had anxiety all day and constantly was checking and testing although at the time I thought it was just me in denial. I have always liked guys....although I don't believe that now. My first crush was when I was 5 and had many since then....I know this isn't always a predicting sign but I always had friends that were girls and played with dolls and did gender appropriate stuff. When I "came out" to my parents I kept pushing myself to like other girls and every time I tried I was like ewwe this doesn't feel right. Now I've had this for so long it seems so real and my mind is constantly telling me I'm gay. Its like I don't care anymore but at the same time I do.
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Hi BS21, Based on everything
Hi BS21,
Based on everything you describe, it doesn't sound like you are gay; rather, you are describing classic symptoms of HOCD. But, they're so persistent and compelling that you felt you needed to "come out"; yet, as you've realized, it doesn't feel right to you. If you were truly gay, you wouldn't have to keep "pushing" yourself to like other girls. It doesn't feel right to you because, for you, it isn't right (it would feel right deep down if you were gay).
It sounds like you have a long history of OCD symptoms. You didn't say if you've ever had any kind of treatment for it. I strongly suggest you have an evaluation with a psychologist or other mental health professional who specializes in treating anxiety disorders using cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) - which is generally considered one of the most effective types of therapy for this very challenging disorder.
With HOCD, your mind is probably going to continue telling you that you're gay - that's the very nature of HOCD - it doesn't mean you actually are gay.
I hope this helps and I hope you are able to get into treatment soon!
Dr. Lane