HOCD?

I am an 18 year old male and have been struggling with my sexual identity for a while now. Over 2 years a go was one of the worst experiences i have ever had. One night my sister joked and called me gay, this has happened many times in the past, but for some reason that one time got to me. I automatically got really anxious, angry, and really depressed. My head began spinning. i began to question my sexuality. its funny because never before had i ever really been attracted to guys. i automatically looked back at my life and tried to figure it all out. I have a crazy memory and remember little things about my childhood which helped me out a bit. i remember having non-sexual fantasies as a kid with girls who i thought were cute, even cartoon girls. weird right? i didnt know what sex was at the time but i knew when i saw a cute girl. in kindergarten there were a few girls who i thought were cute. i even began to have sexual fantasies about them even though i had no clue what sex was. i specifically remember there being twin girls that i though were cute in first grade and one day i thought of them being with me naked. and i liked it. in second grade there was this one girl who, i never considered her a girlfriend, but i would chase her around and kiss her. Now this is the part that bugs me, i remember i went into the boys bathroom in second grade and one boy i kinda knew said we should look at each others private parts. i thought nothing of it and it sort of just happened. so we saw each other naked. no big deal. but then this same year there was a boy i sat next to who i was friends with but had never thought to myself that he was good looking or that i liked him. anyway somehow he asked to see me naked, and i ended up seeing him naked and it happened multiple times throughout the year. that was the first time i actually remember having gotten sexually excited. We would meet up in the bathroom and dare each other to touch each other and do certain things. we would even meet up with another guy too. i dont remember how many times it happened but i dont think it happened very often. thats when i first became aware of masterbation. i learned that it felt good. now maybe i was just sexually aroused from getting touched down there but i never felt any attraction to any of those guys. in fact it only happened in second grade and i still had crushes on girls during that period. its not like i would look forward all the time to doing that with them it was just something that happened. throughout elementary school, i never had the urge to do those things again with guys. but i did start masterbating a lot. from second grade till now. i would do it during class too! i couldnt help it. i stoped doing it in class after a while. now in fifth grade i remember this kid who went to our school who acted very gay. everybody thought so too. i thought it was kinda weird. but i was never a dick to him. i just never really talked to him. i also was made fun of a lot by a group of guys who constantly called me gay. why they did im not sure. maybe to them i was acting gay but i didnt feel that i was. hell i had a huge crush on this one girl and i know i really liked her i was just really shy. kinda like id make fun of her and shed make fun of me in a playful way. i remember telling my mom one night how mad i was that i was being made fun of and called gay because i knew i wasnt gay. then i went to middle school and things sort of were normal. there were girls who i thought were cute and i even remember this one girl who every morning on the way to school i would get nervous thinking about her. i always wanted to catch her attention. i really felt like i liked her. now again there were some things that happened with guys that is contributing to my fears. there was a time when a froup of guys explained that they were bored one day and they all looked at each others parts just because. to compare or something. i kinda got excited about it but nothing really alarming. it was around 6th grade when i found a lot of my dads old playboy magazines. i would masterbate to them constantly. then i found porn videos which further increased my habit of masterbation. i stopped with the magazines and stuck with the videos. it started of with girls gone wild then into normal porn. now i was always looking at the women in the videos. almost pretending i was the guy. this probably wasnt good for me at all because i would masterbate but i hadnt even started producing semen yet. that didnt happen until about 8th grade. this one time in 8th grade i was on a trip and i was sharing a room with a good friend of mine and his friend. Again, i had never had any feeling towards him at all. he was just a really good friend. For some reason i became aroused just laying in my bed. i pulled my pants down while i was on my sleeping bag so that the other guys could see it. again i dont know why i was doing this, it just excited me. anyway my friend ended up running around naked. why i did this i still dont know but i started masterbating. and i liked it. it felt good but i wasn't really looking at my friend while i was doing it, it was just a really weird situation. anyway i masterbated the point where i came. The day afterwards i told my friends that i didnt know what had come over me. i didnt feel that i was gay, but i didnt want them to think i was gay. things went back to normal after that. Freshmen year came, and there were many girls i was interested in. One in particular was a girl who i had walked home with everyday from school. To me, she was the prettiest girl at the school. I would fantasize about her, not just sexually but like i could see her being my girlfriend. i would fantasize about dates i wanted to have with her. i really wanted her to be mine but i was still short and i knew that i wanted a good relationship with her and that it probably would be better to wait. throughout freshmen year i would constantly look for girls who i thought were cute. never any guys. sure there were guys who i felt would be cool to hang out with but no thoughts ever about anything gay or sexual. at the start of sophomore year there was a girl who i liked a lot and fantasized about but i just never really did anything about it. i mean she liked me kinda and i liked her but she would always talk about other guys in front of me. plus she was kind of a slut. i didnt really want to remember her as being my first girlfriend. we hung out a bit and flirted but nothing more that holding hands. then i found out she had unprotected sex with some other guy who she had always talked about around me and i felt pretty shitty. i was jealous in a way cause i wanted to have sex but whatever. then a few weeks after that was the dreaded night that i fell into a really terrible depression. It stared off with me being paranoid at the fact that i could be gay. its hard to really explain it. like i felt like i could be gay, but i didnt want to be. i didnt want to think about it. i was so distressed that i just started going online to understand whats going on. i found out about the HOCD and i felt like i had all the symptoms. it relieved my anxiety a lot but it didnt last. i would keep going online to check but eventually i remembered all the "gay" things id done in the past and that made it worse. i hated myself. i wanted to kill myself. not because i felt i was gay and i was afraid of how others would react but more because i felt as if, in one quick instant, a part of me was ripped out and replaced with a something else. im not religious in any way but it was as if god himself was punishing me for something. and i hated it. i just wanted to go back to normal. i wanted to be who i was before. so i went to a therapist eventually because my depression was so bad. i told her about how i though it could be HOCD and she told me she didnt think i had it but still she helped me out. i didnt really feel too comfortable with her but i kept going just to get another perspective on the situation. after many visits, i ended up feeling better. the depression lasted about 5 months. there was one time during that where i was on a trip with some friends and again i had some "gay" urges, but i felt like it was just my mind trying to mess with me. so i ignored it. That summer following was one of the best i had ever had. I began talking to the girl i walked home with everyday of freshmen year. we talked almost every night until 4 in the morning. it was awesome. i felt in love. we got together to hang out a few times and i loved being around her. the feeling i got was just incredible. too make a long story short, we were together for over two years and we recently broke up. i am back in the state i was before with the depression. i know i have already written a lot but there is so much more to be said. this is everything that is constantly going through my mind. im really confused. when im in this state of mind, everything i do isn't fun for me. i just wanna get rid of all the gay thoughts and memories from my head because its making me go crazy. I feel most comfortable when i'm attracted to girls and have thoughts about girls. but when im in these anxious states of mind, i cant focus on girls or they dont seem attractive to me. im more focused on trying to test if im gay or not. and because girls dont look attractive to me, i get even more worried, and when i see a guy whose good looking, i try to see if i get the same feeling with them that i used to get with women. now there are many guys who i think are good looking , but its more of me wanting to look more like them so i feel more attractive. im constantly online trying to find out whats wrong with me. i go to google and search what i feel like im going through to try and get an answer. ive even started looking at gay porn to try and see if it does excite me. im not even sure if it does or not. i feel like it doesn't but because of the way my mind is, its making me think that i like it. i dont even know. im a wreck tight now. i cant focus on my school work or anything. my days consist of me looking at naked girls to test my feeling, looking at naked guys to test, looking at gay porn, lesbian porn, anything just to try and figure it out but i just dont know. im afriad to continue looking at gay porn because im afraid i might like it. im afriad that the things i do come off as gay such as the way i talk or act or dress. as of right now im really not too sure. i mean was with a girl for over two year but she want ready for sex like i was. and i stayed with her. maybe because of the way i felt about her but i dunno. wouldnt any normal guy just leave because of there not being any sex? thats another thing thats making things so much worse. im now questioning my relationship with her. was it real love? i dunno. i also think that my masterbation habits could have something to do with it. as i mentioned before ive done it multiple times a week, almost everyday sometimes twice in a day since second grade. have i altered the chemistry in my brain from the constant masterbation? is that the reason i was able to stay with my ex so long? is it really just OCD playing with me? i have had OCD tendencies before. such as one time that my mom told me that the universe never ends. for some reason when i was a kid i got crazy anxiety from that, and from the belief that in heaven you never die. as a kid i couldnt wrap my mind around it. there had to be an end somewhere? i also have these little ticks/habits that develope and change over time. Am i just a fucking crazy psychotic person? I dont know. someone help me please. i want to continue living my life normally.