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HOCD is ruining my life
Well I don't really know where to begin ill start when it all started. I am 20 years old and have never questioned my sexuality at all my whole life. But a few weeks before my last birthday I started worrying that I might be turning gay. It all started while I was working at my new job. I became good friends with a co-worker of mine that turned out to be gay. He said he had a kid and a girlfriend so I really didn't suspect anything. But as time when on I finally one day realized he was gay when I was talking to him and he started blushing and act real wierd saying gay stuff to me. So I started to think to myself are you gay? Never before had I thought this and started to really dwell on it. Everything I did from then on I questioned if people thought I was gay or if I was doing or acting in a gay way. Everytime look at a guy I think do you think he's good looking? my thought keep saying your gay but I don't agree at all. I think these things are disgusting but for some reason cant stop asking myself these questions over and over. Its driving me into a state of severe depression. i can no longer sleep well, i stoped working out, ive lost all interest in the things i used to like to do, i want to quit my job, ive lost about 10 pounds because all i want to do is sleep and had started to have suicidal thoughts.
Ive always been a heavy porn since user since i was 12 but never looked at gay porn. id tryed to see if i like it recently and got no pleasure out of it and just got grossed out. its like i continually test myself and ask questions online looking for some definitive answers but im never satisfied and continually become more and more depressed.
This same type of thing happend afew years ago when i was convinced i had or brain cancer because i was having headaches and that i caught herpies from a toilet seat because i had little bumps on my penis that iched every now and then. I couldnt stop worrying about it and got into a real anxious state as i am in now and ended up quitting my job and started smoking weed heavily. just to find out i was perfectly fine.
Would you suggest I go on antidepressants. I've been really debating it and what kind of therapy should I look into? I really don't know how much more of this I can take It feels like im on the edge of insanity.
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Hi MessedUpHead, It
Hi MessedUpHead,
It definitely sounds like you have HOCD, as well as depression. It also sounds like you have a history of OCD (or possibly hypochondriasis).
While antidepressants may be very helpful with some of your depressive symptoms, (and to some degree with the HOCD symptoms), they will likely be limited in terms of any long term effectiveness for the OCD symptoms. But I definitely think they are worth trying in the short term considering you are having difficulties functioning.
My primary treatment recommendation for both the depression and especially for your OCD is therapy - and specifically, Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). Research has shown that to be one of the most effective treatments for both disorders.
If you can, I recommend that you find a psychologist (or other mental health professional) who is well trained in CBT and who has a history of using it to successfully treat individuals with OCD. OCD is a very complex disorder and not all therapists have the skills to treat it.
With regards to your suicidal thoughts - if you think you might act on them, please talk to a someone that you trust - a close friend, family member, or pastor, or call a local crisis line, 911, or the national suicide hotline at 800-273-8255. There is help available!
I hope this helps!
Dr. Lane