Mind and body disagree, anxiety? Homophobia and homosexual? Bisexual? Scared, Suicidal, need help ASAP!

Submitted by tjwmarsh Sat 01/14/2012

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Thank you.

I'm pretty sure I'm ..... I have no clue. I'm depressed. And suicidal. NOTHING is cheering me up. The only thing that would would be an attractive chick in my bedroom.

I got up the courage to look at gay porn. I got turned on. More than lesbian porn, about the same as straight porn. Maybe a little more. It was the weirdest feeling ever. I got an erection, however I was extremely scared and embarrassed feeling and sad as well. My mind thought "ew this is nasty..." but I guess my body thought different. WHAT does this mean??? When I see an attractive girl my mind thinks "DAMN she's fine. I would like to fuck her" but nothing really happens with my penis. And then I worry. It seems as if I'm a straight guy in a gay body. Was I meant to be gay? I'm crying as I write this because I don't want to give up on a straight lifestyle.

I highly still doubt this is HOCD. Maybe anxiety of being gay, and I am. But I'm not sure. I'm not comfortable with guys touching me, even in a playful way. I'm much more sexually comfortable with girls.

My mind gets repelled at the idea of having sex for the rest of my life with a guy. My dick sometimes thinks different and goes right up. My mind likes girls, my dick likes guys and a little bit of girls. AM I BISEXUAL OR WHAT???

I'm so scared. So, so, so, so scared. Help. ASAP.

Could anxiety about

Submitted by tjwmarsh on Sat, 01/14/2012 - 11:16am.

Could anxiety about homosexuality
(presumably homophobia involves some amount of
anxiety about homosexuals and homosexual acts) cause
a sort of "false arousal" signal? i.e. knowing that they
don't want to be aroused by watching male homosexual
acts, and trying so hard not to, that they actually do.
After all the "arousal" in this experiment is simply blood
flowing to the penis. I wonder if we accept penis
circumference as a true indicator of arousal too readily?
Perhaps, like blood flowing to the face when you are
embarrassed (caused by anxiety), the same thing can
happen with blood flow to the penis. Just speculating... of
course, we would need to know to what extent the
homophobics were aroused watching the gay male
sexual acts in comparison with the other two. (i read this somewhere, could it be true?)

Hi Tjwmarsh, Typically,

Submitted by Dr. Lane on Wed, 01/18/2012 - 12:38am.

Hi Tjwmarsh,

Typically, anxiety dampens sexual arousal (hence the term "performance anxiety"). So I'm not really sure what to say about what you've described above.

Clearly there is a lot of internal conflict going on with you, and your suicidal thoughts are very concerning. I really think it would be worth your while to have an evaluation with a psychologist or other therapist who is experienced in treating HOCD (or at least OCD in general). This may help you find the answers you need (I wish I could provide them here but I can't do full evaluations or therapy via this site.)

I encourage you to set up an appointment with someone in your area. Another option would be to contact one of the therapists who advertise their services on this website if seeing someone locally is not an option for you.

—

Dr. Lane

thanks. At that time i was

Submitted by tjwmarsh on Wed, 01/18/2012 - 1:26pm.

thanks. At that time i was having an anxeity attack which ive tried to control, and so far its working. Ive talked to my parents and they have scheduled me for a therapist appointment. Im still very confused although. I need to figure this out.

-tjw

Tjw, I am really glad to hear

Submitted by Dr. Lane on Wed, 01/18/2012 - 3:36pm.

Tjw,

I am really glad to hear that your parents have scheduled an appointment with a therapist for you. I know you want answers sooner than later (everyone does) but I encourage you to be patient, as therapy is a process and things don't always happen as quickly as people would like. But I think you'll find it helpful if you stick with it.

I wish you the best!

—

Dr. Lane