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Hocd
I am a 23 year old male who suffers, I think, from HOCD.
It all started a while back, when my ex girlfriend asked me to kiss a man (I felt nothing then, nor do I now) and I stupidly went along with it. I remember as a child having a few gay thoughts, though I put that down to mere curiosity. I never played with women or anything of the sort and always preferred to be outside in the mud, so to speak.
I know I'm sexually attracted to women becuase I have a fantastic woman whom I love very much now, yet these thoughts plague me every day, like a reaper. They're there all the time. I know I have OCD because before this I was scared of being abducted by aliens, and ghosts, then I thought I was peadophile and then convinced myself I was a murderer..... This is really starting to ruin my life.
I love my woman so much but these thoughts never stop, I'm NOT turned on by men in the slightest, I tried watching some gay porn and nearly threw up. I'm finding it harder and harder to hide these thoughts as they're so intrusive and persistant! It's like an urge to shout out "I'M GAY" even though I know in my heart I do not find males attractive or even remotely sexy. It's driving me INSANE!
My woman turns me on, more than I can say and that reassures me when she's here, but I can't have her here all the time and if I'm constantly pressuring her she'll know something's wrong. PLEASE HELP ME. These thoughts are ruining my life.
I wouldn't even care if I was gay, nor would I hide it. Why wont these thoughts stop!!!!!! PLEASE someone answer me!
Hi Joneselius, It doesn't
Hi Joneselius,
It doesn't sound like you are gay, but HOCD is definitely a possibility.
You describe a long history of very distressing obsessive thoughts. Have you ever had treatment (psychotherapy (talk therapy) or medication) for these thoughts?
OCD is a complex, difficult disorder. Treatment will likely take time, but may help you reduce and possibly overcome the pattern of obsessive thoughts that have plagued you for years.
I recommend you set up an appointment with a mental health professional for an evaluation. If there is someone in your area who specializes in the treatment of OCD that would be preferred. While the OCD may never go away completely, treatment can help you learn to manage (and reduce) the symptoms so you no longer feel like they are ruining your life.
I hope this helps and I wish you the best!
Dr. Lane
Well no
I have never had help no.
I was talking to my father about it yesterday and he told me (and this was not known to me) that as a child I had many, many strange habits.
I would make facial expressions constantly and repetetively as well as other odd behavioural things.
The HOCD that plagues me isn't all that bad as I can cope with it (kind of) it's just coupled with other OCDs that make it worse. Like my complete obsession with rejection and loss. I'm in a relationship now; I'm already trying to sabotage it (it's only 3 months in) and I'm really happy with the woman I'm with, it's just something in my head is determined to ruin it.
I honestly don't know what to do, I can't sleep, eat or even function properly now for my anxiety and stress, I can't concentrate either as my thoughts NEVER stop. If it's not gay one's then it's ones of me being isolated and on my own, aka my woman leaving me ect ect.............. I honestly can't cope with it much longer. I will seek help, it's taken me 17 years to admit the problem......
When I say.....
When I say 'gay thoughts' they're not really of me 'fancying' or 'being with' a guy.
I get images of gay people I know, or knew, in my head and think how happy they were, and I envy it. I do it with everyone, but them especially because of the HOCD.
I can never picture myself with a man, it just doesn't happen. Yet it still scares me, just like aliens and the dark and pretty much everything else.
I don't resent gay people or have any hostility towards them, nor will I. But I am getting frustrated that they're happy and I'm not - just like everyone else.
When the HOCD kicks in it's never 'me' in the image it's always people I know or knew..... But it connotes it to me somehow, it's hard to explain.
Needless to say this is effecting my relationship with my lady and if I lose her I'll probably completely give up hope.
I'm okay around her though, nothing seems to get me down when she's there, I fear I'm becoming dependent on her to negate the thoughts and images. I know I shouldn't but it's hard not to. It feels so right when she's here, but I feel like I'm betraying her with my thoughts, and it kills me inside!