Sexual Compulsions and married

Hi plenti..... the only way is to write and explain whatever you want to explain in this section - the "comments section" and in the "questions section" just write a summary TITLE of your problem.
Thanx by the way for your comment on my post earlier on.

Ok now that Ive figured this out..... Ive Been going through emotional turmoil that has gone from depression/adhd which was a natural predisposition to major depressive disorder/seasonal affective disorder upon going through a couple abusive relationships as well as having to deal with an individuals with NPD which my passive personality often invited. Then continued trauma propeled Anxiety disorder, which I responded to with avoidance because I just couldnt deal with it, and have a full plate having to care for 4 kids and a husband and at the time work. Well for whatever reason everything came to a head around October after i experienced more emotional trauma, financial trauma that threatened to leave me and my family homeless, and overwhelming feelings of inadequecy. My husband is clueless when it comes to noticing when things are wrong with me emotionally also tend to try to hide my feelings and inner turmoil because I know he doesnt understand and I dont want to be a bother. The first impulsive decision I made was to stop showing up at work, where i was a counselor. Then I stopped answering my phone, started with not accepting calls from the person who was giving me problems then it just kept going to all offices of any sort. I tried to and knew i needed to communicate with various people but i just couldnt. Now although we have a place to live, still the emotional turmoil I apparantly havent come back from which usually i do after some time when things lighten up. But instead Ive sought solice out of the blue, in sex(and attention) with men that are not my husband. Ive been caught Ive been sorry, Ive hated the way Ive hurt my husband, I have nothing if he were to leave me, and I but I cant stop pursuing other men or thinking about which type i want next, or chatting with a potential. I thought i would be better off when my husband sent my ex lover an email that i knew would cut our ties. But here i am depressed because i cant see him anymore. As well i have grown jealous of the fact that he always has a creative outlet but i dont because im always tied to the kids or him. I am supervised constantly so its hard to get out to get with someone, but as soon as there is a window of time i will be gone to meet someone else. He is not aware that i have been meeting with them, he is upset enough about the content of out erotic chats that he finds. Usually they are married,I pretty much am satisfied with 1 or 2 regulars but if i cant get to them and i get another offer im likely to take it. They are usually good looking in ways that are opposite from my husbands appeareance, which makes me even more ashamed. Previous to this I had very little sex drive which my husband constantly complained to me about, but it was not just for my husband but overall i had no interest in messing with other men at all never thought I would be an adulterer. Yet the fact that i can want sex at first made me feel normal and even increased our sex life, before i got caught.
I was a good wife put up with a lot and worked with my household out with patience and care, I was a woman of principle and morals, although pretty liberal so i dont understand this sudden urge to do the very thing that will really eventually tear me apart. But yet it remains a craving, insatiable. I cant even get the help I need because I have to make my husband feel better and cant upstage his pain. When i think about not doing this or not being able to do it, i think about the negative experiences ive buried, I get homocidal thoughts (not likely to be carried out) and I fear not facing them without the knowledge of my 'men' stored away ready to bring me pleasure and me pleasuring them although their existence could do nothing directly to cure the situation, which is in no way related to sex. is this just going to get worse or is it a phase? what type of therapy can i work on to keep this from pervading my mind? why am i acting out like this? btw i am 33 yrs old

Below is my comment. Please consider it to be only my personal opinion. I really wish I can help people here online (something I don’t do offline)……….

After reading your post it comes no surprise to me why you feel the way you do.
In your case it didn’t all happen overnight. After many years and a lot of stressful situations to deal with it is no surprise that many people could get an emotional breakdown eventually.
After reading your post I get the impression that you must be a very sensitive person by nature who needs both peace and lots of love and reassurance from others to be happy, but often such a personality predisposes some to develop weaker personalities and as a result may become prey to other more abusive personalities. To have a weaker or passive personality is not necessarily a bad thing but it is bad when such a person is faced with a lot of stress and hurt because they “seem” to have less resources to deal with and face the many challenges.
I cannot blame you at all for all your infidelities under your emotional turmoil considering your personality. Many very good women with good morals (like you) can end up doing what you did only because subconsciously they need to compensate the current very low feelings that torment them, with something that gives them a good feeling even if it is only for a short moment. This can over time develop an addiction to the thing that brings us that "good feeling".
It is well known that sex causes certain chemical releases in the brain that makes one feel good. This does not mean that all people under severe stress will go off and have sex with multiple partners and develop an obsession, no, but it also doesn’t make those who do – bad people. No matter how caring and good your current husband may be, it might be very difficult for him to provide you the huge amount of love that can balance off your distress successfully. This is why something is pushing you to seek “happy feelings” from many other partners.
Other factors that according to me can bring about an emotional breakdown and depression is when a person is overloaded with tasks and responsibilities (eg. Kids, husband etc), when one hasn’t got the chance to fully develop emotionally and psychologically themselves. This can happen (according to me) when a person gets married too early and gets into that cycle of caring for the kids, caring for the husband, caring for the house, then caring again for the kids, and so on and never gets enough time to reflect on what YOU really are and what YOU really want and feel. You need more time for yourself I feel. Stop trying to please everyone around you all the time and caring about what they will feel. Let them know you love them but you need some space and time on your own – to think and reflect.
Also it is a sad thing, but it often happens to many when they are under much stress for an extended period of time. A person experiencing this will get into a chain reaction where bad feelings will bring about more bad feelings and more bad feelings will eventually make you see even the good things you have in your life through dark, sad glasses and this eventually reaches a point when your psyche gives a message to your body that all is lost and the only way out seems to take drastic and sometimes fatal measures. Remember the psyche and the physical body are closely connected , so if you feel terrible, you will likely get sick sooner or later too. You deserve so much more and I am sure the people around you love you (lucky you) so don’t forget this… and there are plenty of treatments out there for your condition. Unfortunately I cannot suggest any as I am not a psychologist, but I have read about many who successfully recovered. However remember this that your psyche is strong even if you feel it isn’t and medications and other therapies will help, but your strongest source for cure is your mind.
Try for example as a start to write down all the good things you had and have in life… all the things you loved doing and all the people you love and care about and all the things you are proud and happy about yourself and I am sure you will end up with a decent list on which to concentrate on. You can use this a as springboard to remind you that you are valuable every day... just your condition temporarily plays tricks on you and makes you feel bad, but it will pass and you will come out the other end a new person. You are still very young and really life is in front of you. I am sure if you really search and try to find, you will find things you will enjoy doing. I just feel this chance was never given to you, because you never had the time and opportunity to really discover who you really are.