HOCD??

Hey guys, I am a guy. I've

Hey guys,

I am a guy. I've been having the same problem. I woke up one morning in i believe it was November, after drinking the night before at party in my room at college with a gay thought. I got up, I walked into my roommates room shaking like hell. I was really shaky; sort of like if you had been in the Arctic for a while with no clothes on and I walked back and forth a few times. It was bad. The thoughts weren't bad at that point. The night before I was getting felt up by a girl who was a friend had been playing with me. I was so hard that night from her. From that point on, I went on through my semester. I was turned on by women. They would give me erections. Not to sound like misogynist guy but I would rate girls I found attractive with my roommates when we went to eat in the on campus food courts. But when this event happened, that sort of slowed down. I am attracted to women. Then, my vacation came around and I was good up till the second week in January. These thoughts became over powering since I was worrying about them a lot. So much to the point they stopped me from working out; one day I was in the middle of a workout and I just could wish the whole thing. I was afraid. I did some research on the internet. I found somethings that helped for a short time, but would last the whole time. I talked to a friend that is gay. He was thinking that I was lonely and that since I had been that way for a while was contributing to the perpetuating thoughts. After that, I sent the next days trying to figure things out. I spent one day just laying in bed reading since I didn't have the power to really do much else it felt like.

Thought out my life I have always been attracted to women. I still like them but my brain fu**s with me nowadays. The first weekend being back at school I was afraid to go to a party because I thought I would say something idiotic. I ended up going and it was fun. I got written up, but I made out with a girl that night and got to pretty much having sex, which was pretty cool. Unfortunately, we were ill-prepared as I or she didn't have a condom. But I felt good that night.

I hate the way I feel. I just want things back to the way they are. I have no feelings toward guys. I see guys around campus and don't think anything of them. I hang out with my guy friends, and have no thoughts of trying anything with any of them. I am currently trying to get with girl from next door in my dorm room, but this situation stops me from somethings. I was going to talk to my psych professor, but he's not the greatest to getting back to me until the day I have his class, mainly right before his class. I have never had any sexual relations with a guy, nor do I plan on having any. I really really just want things to hopefully go back to normal, if not somewhat normal.

The things I think that are behind these thoughts are:
-I haven't had a good relationship in a while.
-My winter break was pretty lonely.
-At the beginning of this year, both of my roommates found girlfriends, one was at a party that was held for my birthday and the other just happened. I don't think at a party of any particular occasion.
-I was made jealous today, I was playing halo with my roommates and my roommates girlfriend was over and they were cuddling in his bed; I heard the noises of them making out and I got a bit angry after that point.
These thoughts are reoccurring and start when I get up in the morning. Its a real day killer. I don't like them. I have no push to get with a guy. I really don't. I can picture doing stuff with a girl in my mind and I get hard for a short while; but I try to see what happens if I modify the picture to a guy and nothing happens. I still get hard to lesbian porn.

So What do you think about my current situation?

Hi, I don't know if you still

Hi,
I don't know if you still read this, but I want to try and help if I can because I have been/ am going through the same thing. I don't have huge amounts of time so will list off what has helped me in the past few months. Bear in mind that I've been having these obsessive thoughts and compulsions to 'check' my behaviour and reactions around girls and boys- basically OCD, exactly as you describe them - for almost nine months. In the past few months its alleviated a bit. I really want other people to feel hopeful like I do now that it will go away. And I remember how hard it was when I felt that it wouldn't. You feel exhausted and desperate and very depressed because you suddenly dont recognise yourself. Here's what helped me:

* I got Cognitive Behaviourial Therapy. And I told people gradually about it. There's no point getting it if you see it as weird or abnormal to have therapy, or to have anxiety. Its so unbelievably normal. People just dont talk about it. And people who are friends will understand, I promise. Start opening up to a few good, trustworthy friends about this so you have someone to talk to and reassure you that you are not a different person suddenly.
* The therapy is working well for me because I'm starting to see that my sudden feelings that I could be gay were the result of some very very bad relationships with men and a lack of connection with men. I also felt very lonely when I was by myself so tended to throw myself completely into relationships that weren't working for me and stick at them so much that I compromised myself and got very hurt. It left me feeling that I couldn't have a connection with a man. Once you start unravelling what has brought you to this stage you feel better.
* You must work on NOT checking. Your brain has persuaded you that it is the most important thing in the world, that if you check you will finally know and resolve the problem. You've probably even told yourself that you dont even care if you're gay, its the indecision and exhaustion of the problem that is eating away at you. Don't worry - but you MUSt stop checking. AGain the CBT will help with this - you must stop fearing homosexuality. You need to get to a place where you can shrug your shoulders and go, yup that could happen - but I promise that you will know deep down that its not what you want at the moment. It just takes time. Please believe me, I've been there. So much of it is loneliness and desparately wanting a relationship that works. Its painful when that doesnt happen and you need to talk it over with someone who is trained to understand how these thoughts lead to chronic anxiety and obsessiveness.
* Get a really good therapist. My first didnt work for me. My new one is amazing, she has helped me so much - and just talk to them about everything. You must tell them your darkest fear s- youll find out that in the grand scheme of things they're not that dark
* Don't be down on yourself. This is a phase. You are okay, you are the same as you ever were. Sexuality is fluid to a degree but I think you'll find that rather than being at all homophobic, these feelings of wanting it to go away are you reacting to feeling like you might have changed from the you you know. You haven't. Please contact me on this if you need any more advice. I hope its been helpful. I have been through this and am going through it still, but I can see a light. Good luck and warm wishes xxxx

Hi BDon19, Based on

Hi BDon19,

Based on everything you describe, it doesn't sound like you are gay. However, it does sound like you are obsessing about this and it is clearly distressing you. Whether you fully meet the criteria for HOCD is difficult for me to say without an in depth evaluation, but if it continues to cause you significant anxiety, I do recommend that you talk to a mental health professional about it if possible.

In the meantime, I encourage you get back into working out regularly, as regular exercise is known to help alleviate symptoms of anxiety at least to some degree. If you don't feel comfortable at the gym, perhaps you could go running or biking (or something similar).

I hope this helps.

Dr. Lane

Is there anyway I can self

Is there anyway I can self evaluate myself?? I really really want to get this sorted out like sort of soonish.

I really think its this. I don't have urges to do things with guys. I'll see them around but I don't feel anything. Not even anything like "he's an attractive dude or anything."

I am having doubts about my professor being of much help. He hasn't heard much about HOCD before. I talked to him and said he's head of it, but that he had to do some research.

There is a self-test for OCD

There is a self-test for OCD published by the NIMH that might be a good place to start. You can find it here: http://www.healthyplace.com/anxiety-panic/nimh/ocd-screening-test/menu-id-1267/page-2/

However, this self-test is not going to give you a definitive diagnosis. You really need to be evaluated by a mental health professional for that.

Many people have compulsive behaviors and / or obsessive thoughts to varying degrees. But one of the criteria for OCD is that these behaviors and thoughts take up a lot of time, significantly impact the person's functioning in at least one area (e.g. work, social life) and / or cause a significant amount of distress.

HOCD is still OCD - it is just a specific type of HOCD. The treatment is still the same as with any other type of OCD. Treatment typically involves a combination of psychotherapy (often cognitive behavioral therapy) and medication.

I hope this helps.

Dr. Lane

why me!!!

I am 23 years old and at the age of 19 when I was at University I had a long term boyfriend who I loved greatly. However on a visit home from uni in November 2006 I began questioning my feelings for him so much so that I became greatly depressed and anxious.

At this time my mum told me about an experience that she had had with depression about how she questioned her sexuality when she was younger. I didnt think anything of it at the time but about a year later when I was going through a bad time in a relationship I began to think about what my mum had told me and began to obsess about it questioning my sexuality.

That same year I went on a clubbing holiday with friends and fancied so many guys I realised that the thoughts were nothing and forgot all about them.

I met my current boyfriend two years ago and we have had a very on off relationship which I have obsessed about and become totally anxious about.

Since I have calmed myself about this so called relationship and havent cared so much about what happens with us these feelings about questioning my sexuality have come back and I am extremley anxious.

I have not thought about this for 2 years and now all of a sudden here they are again.

I have loads of female friends who are stunning with great figures but have never had sexual thoughts about them.

I keep testing myself by imagining doing things to a woman and seeing if it turns me on!! If im totally honest sometimes it does but surely thats natural. I get this pounding feeling down below which I cannot control but I have never wanted to take it any further.

I still enjoy sex with men but am so anxious about it at the moment that I am scared to do it.

I have a councillor and he has bet his mortgage that I am not gay but I feel like I dont even know who I am anymore!!

PLEASE HELP ME WHAT DO YOU THINK???

Hi Anon, Based on

Hi Anon,
Based on everything you have described, it certainly doesn't sound like you are gay. It is possible, however, that you have a form of obsessive compulsive disorder known as HOCD, in which the primary obsession is about whether or not one is gay.

I do get the sense, however, that you either don't trust your counselor or you feel that therapy with him isn't helping you. It may be more beneficial to work with a mental health professional who specializes in the treatment of anxiety disorders, and more specifically, OCD.

If you are able to let go of these thoughts on your own, great. But, if they continue to bother you as much as they are, then I strongly encourage you to continue in therapy with someone.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best!

Dr. Lane

Get support

Anon,

You should probably find a new counselor. "Betting the mortgage" doesn't really sound like the kind of support that you need.

If you want to communicate about this online in a confidential environment, you might check out SupportGroups.com.

worried

I'm a 28 year old female. I have always had difficulty being friends with girls. I was kind of nerdy growing up so felt that separation from the cool kids at a young age. Then in 6th grade my best friend ditched me and I don't think I've ever recovered from it, that's how bad it hurt. But at that time, I felt ashamed of how hurt I was, like I cared too much and there was something wrong with me.

Since then, I have found a couple real true female friends that I can be myself around. But when I meet new female friends, I never know how to act and I'm always uncomfortable. I feel like I'm still always searching for a best friend, someone I can be myself around and not have things be awkward or weird, someone that I can talk to and laugh with and be natural around. Part of this is that I always worry that if I seem to care too much, they will think I'm gay. I think all this worry causes me to not act like myself around people, which then makes me feel even more weird about the whole thing. It makes me feel like I don't even know who I am as a person (sexuality aside)!

This has been coming up a lot recently because I'm in a new job at work around a whole group of women. Then I just read this random novel and it was about a kid who didn't know he was gay, and he was so desperate for friends and it seemed in the novel that the 2 things were somehow intertwined, and this made me start thinking that what if I was gay and I just didn't know it, and that's why I'm always obsessing about my friendships with girls.

I'm engaged to be married and have only had sexual thoughts for men and sexual experiences with men. I've had an occasional random thought pop into my head but I've never had any desire to have sex with a woman or be in a relationship with a woman. I never fantasize about women. I love my fiance and we have a really good relationship.

I have been on medication for depression in the past but stopped taking it about a year ago, and once I stopped having withdrawal type symptoms and started working out, I have felt pretty normal with the depression. But then over the past week I've just been freaking myself out with all of this, and then I found this page and a few others and thought that HOCD sounded like a possibility. I really don't want to take medication again but am always open to the idea of therapy.

I don't want to be gay, and I don't think I am, but I worry that what if I'm just telling myself I'm not and I really am?

Hi Michigangirl, Nothing you

Hi Michigangirl,

Nothing you have described suggests you are gay. Also, keep in mind that you read a "novel", which means it was fiction. People who are gay usually know deep down they are gay, even though they may not want to accept it (e.g. because it goes against their religious beliefs, or because they are afraid of how their family or friends will react, etc.).

While you may have HOCD, I suspect there are other issues that may be a more likely explanation. You state that you have found a couple of female friends with whom you can be yourself, then go on to state that you are still searching for that (as if you haven't found it) so I am not sure why that discrepancy.

It sounds like you have some unresolved abandonment issues and difficulties with appropriate boundaries. Therapy would probably benefit you much more than medication, so that may be something that you want to consider if this continues to trouble you.

But as for being gay, it certaily doesn't sound like you are at all. Caring deeply about a same sex friend is not the same as having a sexual attraction to, desire for, or romantic feelings towards her (which would suggest that you are gay or bisexual). Also, a random thought once in awhile doesn't mean you're gay either.

One last thing, I hope you are able to come to a place where you can stop worrying so much about what other people think about you. If you do decide to pursue therapy, that would also be something for you to discuss with a therapist. It's very distressing (and exhausting) to constantly worry about what others might think. I hope you can find a way to relax at work and focus on your job. Let friendships develop naturally. Most women are not going to assume you're gay just because you care about them as a friend.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best!

Dr. Lane

Hi, I'm sixteen years old,

Hi, I'm sixteen years old, and I THINK I've been dealing with HOCD since I was 12 on off, but I'm not super convinced. I know that it's the HOCD talking, but sometimes, It just gets so terrible that I get confused and I doubt if I really have HOCD or if I'm lesbian.

I was introduced to porn at a young age, about 9 or 10, and I would watch heterosexual porn whenever I felt like it. It's not rly an obsession or anything, I just did it whenever I would remember or whenever I was bored. I've always been attracted to guys, and even when I was young, I knew I wanted to be w/ a boy, marry a man, etc

Anyway, Lesbian, gay, bi, etc have never been bad words in my home and the family i was raised in, and I have always been perfectly comfortable in the company of gay people. One day, as I was watching an episode of a talk show about lesbians, I started to contemplate if I was one. And ever since then, I've never not thought about it. I would constantly check myself if I would be turned on by girls. Honestly, there are times when I'm not sure if I'm turned on, or I'm just misinterpreting the anxiety I feel as me being turned on. Whenever the word lesbian came up, I would always think that it was a sign from God telling me I am one.

I talked to my mom about it, and she said that I wasn't because if I was a lesbian, then I would want to be that, but I don't, I want to be w/ a man. What I'm afraid of is that maybe I'm just telling myself that when in fact I really am gay and I'll never be happy w/ a man and I'm lying to myself and that I'm actually afraid of what other ppl will think of me. Maybe I'm the kind of lesbian who finds out that she is a lesbian while in her teens, but I've never liked any particular girl before, just found them pretty, sexy, etc. but isn't that normal? I'm just scared that mine isn't.

There are times I forget, or I'm able to convince myself that it's HOCD, but there are times that the doubt is just too strong. Please help me, I'm really scared. I don't want to waste my time thinking about this anymore, I want to not be stressed anymore.

Thank you :)

Hi HOCD15,It sounds like you

Hi HOCD15,

It sounds like you are a very introspective young woman who most likely has HOCD. Based on what you describe, I highly doubt you are a lesbian. It sounds like you have developed a pattern of obsessive thinking that is causing you significant anxiety.

That being said, my guess is that nothing I say here is going to alleviate your anxiety. I hope it does, but HOCD is more complex than that and likely won't go away just because someone (even a mental health professional) tells you that you aren't gay. Don't get me wrong - I hope what I say does help, but I'm not assuming it will.

As for watching porn - you didn't say whether or not you are still watching it, but I strongly recommend that you stop if you are. Pornography (especially at such a young age) isn't healthy and can lead to unrealistic expecations when it comes to sexuality and sexual experiences. It can also desensitize you to what should be a wonderful and truly intimate experience for you at some point in the future. There are much healthier and more productive ways to be spending your time, especially at 16.

If these distressing thoughts continue and are interfering with your day to day functioning (e.g., affecting your school work or your relationships with others) then you would probably benefit from working with a therapist. OCD is a tricky disorder and can significantly disrupt a person's life. Therapy, sometimes combined with medication if needed, can help you learn to manage and reduce your symptoms. It will take some time, however.

Medication may be helpful as well but, in my professional opinion, is not a good treatment by itself for anxiety disorders, including OCD. The reason I say this is because it usually only provides temporary relief (if any relief) for symptoms, and once discontinued, the symptoms almost always return. Not to mention, almost all medications will cause some side effects.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best!

Dr. Lane

Hello, i'm in distress!

Hello everyone,

I'm a 18 year old male with a girlfriend for about a year long, the only problem is that she doesnt live in the same country as me, we have a long distance relationship.
Since a couple of months ago i've started to worry about being gay, because when i lure myself into watching gay porn (which is most of the time, really uncomfortable) i could get an orgasm quicker than normally and the orgasm would feel stronger and longer sometimes. It's really stressing because i've never had any feelings towards guys, but apparently sometimes when i test myself to watch gay porn, i could get a "better?" orgasm.. I dont know how to identify it, as being gay on the inside and maybe surpressing it? Other than that emotionally i've never been in love with a man, and i dont think i would want to do anything sexually with a man.

Just when i watch gay porn, which i seriously want to stop doing because everytime i do it i get an HOCD spike, i get a weird toughened feeling in my chest/stomach and someimtes head... What do i do? i have no idea where this leaves me, because i honestly still enjoy heterosexual porn, i just feel like i'm lying to myself and that my gay side is stronger.

Other than that.. i LOVE, and i mean LOVE!!! my girlfriend, with all my heart! always have, always will, and i honestly see a future with her. She makes me happy and when we see eachother it's amazing and lovely.. I just question if im sexually strong enough to be with her, does she deserve better?.. I just dont know how to explain the stronger sexual feeling towards gay porn sometimes..

Thanks for reading my post!:)

Hi HOCD, Based on what you

Hi HOCD,

Based on what you describe, it's difficult to say whether or not you are gay or straight. Perhaps you are bisexual. Regardless, it does sound like you have symptoms of HOCD (although I don't know if you meet all the criteria for a diagnosis).

I do find it curious that you say you "lure yourself into watching gay porn". Are you doing that to "test" yourself? If it causes you to have "an HOCD spike", why do you keep doing it? (That's a question for you to ask yourself.) If you really feel you can't stop (ie, you feel as if you are truly addicted to it) then you may need to seek professional help.

As for watching porn, I will repeat what I said in response to the poster above:

Watching pornography (especially at such a young age) isn't healthy or helpful. It can lead to unrealistic expecations when it comes to sexuality and sexual experiences. It can also desensitize you to what should be a wonderful and truly intimate experience for you at some point in the future. Not to mention, at 18 there are far better things to be doing with your time.

As for your girlfriend. Long distance relationships are difficult at any age, and, to be honest, very unrealistic at your age in most cases (I realize I don't know the details of your situation but just sharing what I know). I bring up your girlfriend because you say you really love her, yet you're watching porn all the time.

Some people would argue that watching porn is a form of cheating - just something for you to consider. Would you truly be okay with her watching porn all the time as well? Does she know that you are watching a lot of porn? Are you watching it to fill a void because you can't be with her due to the distance?

These are just some things for your to consider. As for your sexuality, I think time will tell. In the meantime, I encourage you to find more productive and healthy ways to spend your free time than watching porn. Reading, exercising, spending time with friends, working on a hobby, etc are some good options.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best!

Dr. Lane

Hey Dr. Cheryl Lane, First of

Hey Dr. Cheryl Lane,

First of all thanks for the very productive and helpful response, this really helps!

I lure myself into watching gay porn because it excites me, but afterwards i feel bad and not really comfortable with it. I'm going to stop watching it, and lessen or maybe even stop watching porn period. I may be bisexual, i get the feeling, but this excitement towards the same sex in porn really worries me, because i dont think it belongs in my heterosexual relationship.

But maybe you're right about the porn that it's unhealthy and that it could give me a bad expectation of what sex means. I'm sure it's really intimate and nice, i'm sure there's a great difference between porn and intimate sex. Do you think maybe gay porn excites me because its something i never considered and because its different? I've always been attracted to females my whole life..

Then again about my girlfriend, honestly Dr. Lane i could talk to you about her for hours trying to explain how amazing it is what we have.. But then u still wouldnt understand why we keep being with eachother..:) She's amazing, and i wouldnt leave her for the world! There's no way i would want to be with a man either, we're seeing eachother soon again for 2 1/2 weeks long.

Maybe i am doing porn to fill up the space who knows.. but you're totally right, i have to spend my time on different things and not let porn overtake my life, which it is doing right now. I'm going to try to get into excercising and reading, thanks a lot for the advice!

Lets just pray i'm not more sexually attracted to men.. I dont want to leave my girlfriend at all...

I'm very glad my response was

I'm very glad my response was helpful! I hope you are able to stop watching the porn and find better ways to spend your time.

As for the gay porn, the fact that it's different and something you had never considered could play a part in why it excites you - it's hard to say. Perhaps a more helpful barometer (for lack of a better word) is whether or not you find yourself sexually attracted to males in general (i.e., in the real world). If not, then you probably aren't gay or bisexual.

As for your girlfriend, I do hope it works out for you. The best chance you have will be if you can spend chunks of time together (as it sounds like you are planning to do here soon) and also if one of you can relocate at some point in the future.

The primary dilemma with long distance relationships (and don't get me wrong, some do work out) is that it's very difficult to REALLY get to know each other when you see each other only sporadically. Phone calls, emails, and letters are great, but they often don't give the true picture of who a person is. People can say all sorts of things (and be very convincing), but their actions usually more accurately reveal their true character.

It's easy to put your best foot forward when you see someone for brief periods of time or have long periods in between time together. The real test in any relationship comes when you see each other very regularly and in a variety of situations and circumstances (good and bad) so that you get a better idea of who the other person really is (warts and all!).

Anyway, I wish you the best!

Dr. Lane

I just have one more

I just have one more question, this 'barometer' to check if i am sexually attracted to guys in real life, how does it really work? Because i've never been attracted to guys before, i just imagine(d) about them and it would give me an orgasm sometimes. How do i know? Because i dont get the slightest idea that i really like guys...

About me and my girlfriend, what i'll be happy to tell you about is that me and her, honestly we could spend every hour of every day together, on the phone/cam!!! honestly, we've seen what it's like in real life too, and we're like a perfect match, always something to talk about, always happy around eachother, it's what makes us hold on.:) but yeah it sucks that i cant always hold her, or kiss her.. but we've got this summer comming up, which is going to really be amazing!!:) I cant wait!!:)

Also i would like to let you know that i'm disabling porn sites on our internet router. I'm going to focus on other things, spend my time more usefully, and lay off the porn. I still get the urge to do so, but i mainly also wanna stay away from gay porn, because it bothers me rather than makes me feel good, and there's no way if i was gay, that i'd feel this uncomfortable with it and get stressed out. Perhaps i'm bisexual, who knows! i dont plan on finding out, i'm happy, that's what counts.:)

Sufferer for 3 yrs+

I just wanted to say that your story has moved me so much. I have experienced and continue to experience the EXACT same scenario you have told. I honestly don't believe we are bi or gay but straight and so stuck in our ways b/c of our ocd that our habitiual tendencies prevent us from healing. Ill post my story up tonight.
-Hang in there

I'm so glad someone is there

I'm so glad someone is there to share the same scenario with me! Please do post up your story, i'm looking forward to reading what you're going through! And what i've learned at least is to not panic, if we really were to be gay or bisexual without question, we would notice this in real life, no doubt.:)

By the way what also may help you out is knowing that there are a lot of heterosexual men out there, that watch gay porn, its pure fantasy! Real life is a lot different. If you dont believe me, google it, there's plenty of em.:)

Yeah that is how I felt when

Yeah that is how I felt when it first started before I even knew what HOCD was. But all I want is to be liberated from this "monster". Im have been and am currently seeking treatment. A unique technique my psychologist suggested is to watch the gay porn untill your just so tired of it like watching the cooking channel all day. I havent quite tried it but he also suggested just not watching any at all or just straight. By far this has been the roughest OCD I have had.

I have a similar experience

I have a similar experience too, I dont think either three of us are homosexual in anyway, Ive read on the internet, just because something like this happens, does not mean you are homosexual, it means you have fantasies, and fantasies dont neccarsily reflect what you do in real life. I think all three of us feel deep down that we are not attracted to men, we all want women in our lives and doing stuff like watching homo porn is to feed our HOCD, once we have passed this time in our lives, we will be cured of this diseases, I have even heard that anxiety can be mistaken for arousal, because essentially the same chemicals that control arousal also control anxiety. So that maybe the case. Remeber a true homosexual finds these things when thinking rationally as beautiful, all three of us find them to be disgusting. True homos dream about telling their parents and being accepted with a homo partner and how beautiful it is to be with a man, but I personally find that to be quite disgusting. I dont connect with men deep down, when I love a woman, I love her so much that I forget about this crap that everybody in this forum is going through. Maybe my HOCD stems from the fact that I have asked two women out in the past, I think one was too premature and I asked at the wrong time, the other I honestly thought had an attraction for me, even my friends said she keeps on blushing at me. But I asked her out and she didnt say no, but neither did she say yes, because I later found out that she had been asked out by another person, and was comtemplating between me and other guy to go out with. Remember if you are born a true heterosexual, you will remain a heterosexual, sexuality is fluid to a point, but you cant go 360 on who you really are, and I believe neither of us are homosexuals. And my insecurity and anxiety stems from that I have been rejected twice, however, I will find the women I love, I will protect her, and grow old with her, I will not succumb to the effects of this OCD. Stay brave, we can beat this disease, we will rid our minds of this disease, the most important help I have found to fight is to understand the basic reasons why you are suffering from OCD, for me I have realized that I suffered badly after my last rejectiion, almost a year ago, these effects have burdened me greatly, but guess what, I aint a homo at all. I just need to find that perfect gal again. Science is on my side, genetics count for so much about your sexuality and I truly believe that I am not a homo, I was never born a homo, I like sports, guns, fighting, video games, go-karting, paintballing, basketball, action movies, and politics. I want to protect those who I love, and stand up for my own people and my country. I am a man, as a man I do not feel attracted to men the same way I feel genuiely attracted to a woman, but I can tell you which dude is handsome, however, I understand that when you think that somebody is handsome, the next thought, I must be a fucking homo. but that aint it, our HOCD is telling us that. Our HOCD is screwing up our mind, feeding it crap, and trying to make us believe it is real. HOCD is a disease. Which creates anxiety. Iknow that I aint a homo, I just know. Its not me. I wont let OCD take over my life, I wont let the panic attacks take over my thoughts and cause suicidal thoughts and disgust. I will shrug off any homosexual thoughts that causes me anxiety thrown at me by my HOCD. I will be empowered, and not be enslaved by a mental disorder. I will fight to the last breathe, there will be ups and downs, when my disease causes me to panic.There is always light at the end of the tunnel. But I will shrug the panic off, and stay true to who I am. HOCD will not take over my life. I am confident that it will not. We are all victims to a disease, a disease that morphs it self to our every single thought, it find ways to turn innocent thougths into ones that are horrifying and disgusting. However it is merely an enemy, and we will fight it. Stand brave and strong, we will not fall. We are who we are, and that is victims. We are not homos, real homos are real homos, they find this crap to be beautiful and fanciful, we on the other hand find it distressing and anxiety causing. I am strong, I will prevail, my weapons are my rationality and my understanding of the disease that I suffer from, HOCD's weapon is its ability to morph and makes us doubht our true selves and play tricks in our mind which are completely false and are merely hallucinations caused by HOCD. I have suffered long and hard, the day I am acquit of this disease, is the day that I have conquered my greatest fear. Anxiety will takes its toll, but I will never give up. Mental discipline is probably the key to fighting HOCD, we must disciplined that we will not fall into the traps that HOCd sets us up for and go into a panic attack and depression.

-TheGeneral

Oh my god that just blew my

Oh my god that just blew my fucking mind. Your post was so empowering and true to how we are and what were dealing with. Dude thank you just thank you so much. It gives me hope to see how mindfull and strong you are becoming and beginning to elevate this burden and it gives me hope that, that will happen soon for me.

I'm very glad that you are

I'm very glad that you are taking action regarding the porn. I think you will find that to be helpful.

As for the "barometer" I mentioned. What I meant by that is, if you don't find yourself attracted to or turned on by the males you are around in person (e.g. guys at your school, male friends, or males that you happen to see at the store or wherever), then that is probably a good indicator that you are not gay or bisexual. Of course I can't say for sure, but that is usually a good indicator.

I hope that helps!

Dr. Lane

Thanks a lot for all the

Thanks a lot for all the replies you have given me so far! They have been really helpful, and right now i'm working on at least reducing my porn visits, and it's going pretty well!:)

I'll let the indicator prove things to me over time, whatever happens, happens. Time will tell wether i am heterosexual, bisexual, or maybe even gay. Right now i'll prize myself a heterosexual man, untill fate proves me wrong.

Thanks again, for everything, and bless you.:)

Dr. Cheryl Lane, Thank you

Dr. Cheryl Lane,

Thank you very much for taking the time to read and answer our questions. You do not know how much having someone to listen to my inner fears means to me.

Dr. Lane, I'm really afraid. Right now, I definitely do not want to have a gf or spend my life with a woman, and the idea of being lesbian does not appeal to me at all. Sometimes though, when I think about partaking in sexual acts with a girl or considering a relationship w/ a woman, I get a feeling that I THINK is being turned on, but then other sites say that it is just the anxiety that I'm misreading as being turned on.

I've been trying to apply the "treatment" to myself by actually entertaining the thoughts of being lesbian instead of fighting it, are there any other more effective ways to fight hocd by myself? I am scared that the more I do the treatment and consider being lesbian, that I might just turn into one. I still keep on checking at women to see if I like them, which is unhealthy, I feel that this may make me not feel attracted to boys, but I still am, in fact, I like this boy in school, but at the same time, i'm scared that I just think that I like this boy to help myself think that I am straight.

Does the fact also that I don't WANT to be a lesbian or bisexual indicate that I am not one? Thanks very much!

Hi HOCD15,It really doesn't

Hi HOCD15,

It really doesn't sound like you are a lesbian at all. What you describe sounds more like symptoms of HOCD. So, yes, that feeling that you "think" is you being turned on when you imagine participating in a sexual act with another girl is more likely your anxiety.

Also, by taking the time to check yourself with regards to other females - that is not going to turn you into a lesbian. So, please rest assured that it doesn't work like that so you don't have to worry about that happening.

As for your last question. It is possible that someone is truly gay, lesbian, or bisexual and really doesn't want to be. The reason for this is often because of their personal belief system (e.g. if they have strong religious beliefs that condemn homosexuality) or because they are terrified that if they come out, they will be rejected or ridiculed by family, friends, or society in general.

What I would encourage you to do is to take a break from "checking" and see if you can focus on other things (this may not be possible, but try it to see). Regular cardio exercise, yoga, meditation, and relaxation exercises can help symptoms of anxiety in general (and OCD is a type of anxiety disorder). Try to spend more time on things that you enjoy, and when those HOCD thoughts kick in, see if you can find something else to focus on.

If none of this works then you would probably benefit the most from psychotherapy (preferably Cognitive Behavioral Therapy). Working with a therapist, especially someone who has a lot of experience treating OCD and / or HOCD would be the best route, if that is possible.

OCD (and HOCD) can be challenging to treat, but many people do have a very positive response to treatment.

I hope this helps and I wish you the very best and I am very glad that you have found my responses helpful.

Dr. Lane

Dr. Cheryl Lane, Thank you so

Dr. Cheryl Lane,

Thank you so much for your encouraging words and helpful tips.

I was just wondering though, what signs do you see in me that make you believe that I'm just suffering from HOCD and I'm neither lesbian or bisexual?

I've read a lot of coming out stories, and it scares me that this maybe the point in my life where I'm just "finding out" about my "real" self. Lots of people say that they first knew they were lesbian or bi during younger years or teenage years, what makes my case different?

I have never liked girls, and I'm scared that constantly checking and thinking about this will make me/ brainwash me into liking them.

I truly hope that I can get rid of this completely.

Thank you very much :D

HOCD

One important thing to understand is the OCD cycle. The compulsions are the engine that drive the obsessions. The more you do compulsions, the worse the obsessions get. If you stop doing compulsions, the obsessions start to fade away.
A lot of people with this kind of OCD think they don't have any compulsions, but you did well to identify the checking as a compulsion. People with HOCD often check by trying to determine if they have symptoms of arousal around people of the same sex (to be sure they AREN'T gay), they check for signs of arousal around people of the opposite sex (to be sure they are STILL straight), they go over their whole sexual history in their mind to see if they can find any hints of latent homosexuality, they may ask others for reassurance, and they may self-reassure. All these are compulsions and as long as you do them, you will continue to have the upsetting thoughts.
Now, the hard thing is to stop doing the compulsions, because they help you to feel safe in the short term. This is why it can be helpful to get treated from an OCD professional, because they can help you do it when you can't do it on your own. Make sure you find someone who really knows their stuff when it comes to OCD, because the wrong kind of therapist can make it worse. Avoid anyone doing OCD treatment using psychodynamic therapy, interpersonal therapy, family systems therapy, or anything other than cognitive behavioral therapy.
Best of luck,
Dr. Williams

Monnica T. Williams, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychologist specializing in OCD
http://www.monnicawilliams.com

Hi everyone, I relate to much

Hi everyone,

I relate to much of what other posters have written, particularly the kind advice by Beth and her theory that much of her hocd problems stem from the perception of failed relationships and a deep desire for a true core-shaking connection that she hasn't yet experienced. I wonder if that is the root of all my issues too.

I'm in my mid 20s and have always wanted a life-long romantic relationship with a man. I've had many crushes on boys/men but have been too proud to act on the ones I've really wanted, often regretting it later. I've had about three relationships and countless "dance-floor pashes" and several fleeting courtships. All with men. I'm still searching for "The One" and it makes me feel depressed that I have been so unsuccessful in this area.

So why am I here? Well I constantly obsess over the "what ifs". What if I'm not "really" attracted to men (even though I have enjoyed the experiences I've had) and that's why I'm still single an doomed to be forever? What if if I was with a women, would I like it more than I have my experiences with men and therefore what if I've been lying to myself all these years?

I've never felt like I want to be with a woman in reality but sometimes I wonder if on occasions I'm either anxious around them, intimidated by them (thinking they are prettier, thinner, more confident etc) or if it is in fact arousal (shock, horror, panic). This is usually with women I don't know very well. In the course of my obsessive considerations that inevitably follow, I of course assume the worst (maybe you do want to "truly" be with them) and the discomfort intensifies and the questions flow. I have never imagined (in real life or fantasy) approaching a women sexually or romantically but in my obsessive head space I frequently imagine if they approached me (kissed, whatever), how would I react? Then I freak myself out and can't tell what's real or not and I keep thinking about it until I feel I have an answer or am exhausted by the psychological tug-of-war.

I never seem to be aroused when i imagine being with women, just uncomfortable, especially over anything more than kissing. But is that because of the stigma and the fact that I haven't tried it before? Yet, I don't feel compelled to try it. To be honest, if i see a lesbian scene in a movie, i have felt briefly aroused (I think) and anxious at the same time, but I have read anything sexual can arouse, particularly for women who relate to the sensations portrayed more so than the imagery. Does anyone agree with that? Funnily enough if I see women in real life kiss, it does nothing for me. I don't feel turned on or envious, just indifferent. But in any case I regularly check to see where my heart is but when I am in this state of mind, I am never convinced, either way.

What I do know is that when I'm with a man in a seemingly secure relationship I very rarely even think these thoughts, it's like I don't even need to question myself. Or I have better things to think about!! I also know that when I am with a man I really like, there is no better feeling than waking up next to him, it just feels natural...right. But when I'm single again and the thoughts come I think maybe that's because that natural feeling with the opposite sex is what society wants us to want. And the cycle of obsessive pondering and it's associated worries fire up again. So why if I know that being with a man makes me happy, do I question this?

Another fear I have is when sites advise that gay people worry about how they will be perceived by coming out. I too don't think this would be easy for anyone and it does make me sad to think I would disappoint my parents, even though I know they would love me regardless. Is it normal/typical for people with hocd to worry about that even if they are straight or is that a sign that they are gay? I've also tried on the "ok I'm gay" hat but this doesn't seem to fit or feel right and I end up feeling sad that I could potentially close a door (on relationships with men) that when it was open gave me so much hope and joy.

Does my case sound like hocd? I mean, I think I tick most of the boxes (arousal checking, historic review, reassurance seeking) but if it is, how can I learn to recognize this? How can i learn to accept that yes some women are attractive but that doesn't mean I would act on it and am truly wanting to be with them. My obsessions don't seem to be based on evidence or fact, just fears, but what if they aren't and how can I tell the difference? How can I stop the what ifs?

I also have other signs of OCD, but this is the one I worry about most.

Thank you for any advice :)

Sweetie, I know exactly what

Sweetie, I know exactly what you mean - I thought all of those things too. Literally every single one of those thoughts you've listed, I've thought them too. I feel a million times better than I did when I wrote my first post. And then I felt a million times better than when I first started having those thoughts a year ago. And I really can't describe how obsessive I got about it all. I would literally analyse every single tiny thing. Now I've got some perspective here are my thoughts on your worries. I hope they help:

* Firstly, don't ask whether you've got hocd or you're gay. It won't help, trust me. Stop it right now. Every time you question or check you are feeding your anxiety and worries. (Incidentally I am also a very anxious person when it comes to health and can convince myself I have anything - the mind works in strange ways when you fixate on something, so stop now. I know its hard and you feel like you can't but you can train your mind to look to other things. Exercise. Read. Have a conversation about something completely different with someone else.

* Most women are attractive, whether physically or in terms of an emotional connection. I am guessing that one of the scariest things for you is that you are fearful of the strong emotional attachments you have to women, because do they mean something else? No they don't. Friendships with women are beautiful and meaningful and that doesn't have to mean anything. They just are. And that's the point really. Stop looking for answers. Sometimes things just 'are'. You will pass a woman and think she's gorgeous - she just is! I think that too. So does my best friend, and her best friend. Its very normal. That's why women get so jealous, because we can recognise how attractive other women are. I bet a lot of you thinking other women are attractive is your own insecurity. I know mine is. Try to feel better about yourself and this will go away - thats probably why you dont notice it when you're with a guy, because he makes you feel more secure. But ultimately that has to come from you (I sound like a self help book, sorry!)

* The arousal thing - very normal. Girls find girl on girl a turn on. Often if you open your mind to something being arousing it can be. I can get turned on by guy on guy. And yet if I start questioning whether that means I could be with a girl I can't really answer it. Yes, probably. Do I want to go out now and do that? Not really bothered to be honest. I started going to gay clubs with a few gay friends. I kissed a few girls. One of the kisses I really REALLY enjoyed. It freaked me out. But I knew that I didn't find the girl herself attractive - the experience was great though. And friends I've spoken to about it have agreed - I mean, the amount of boys who have said they've had some sort of boy action when they were younger and it was okay but they're not tempted to go back. Well, thats how I feel. Enjoyed it, I mean, how different are men/ women at kissing when you close your eyes, and the novelty of it makes it v exciting - but that doesn't make me want to go out and meet girls. But you know what, if I did, totally fine. And I think that's it. Be cool with it. So what if you meet a girl - speak to gay girls, talk to your friends - I bet they will have had a curiosity at some point. How many times do girls say they've got a girl crush on X or Y? Loads!

* The most important thing is to calm yourself down. The anxiety is what feeds it all - please do ask me anything you like. I feel like this is getting more manageable for me. I still get thoughts like, ooh what if I kissed her, would I like it? But they don't fuss me as much and as a result I don't think them as much. I'm also a lot happier and more positive about my life in generally - I've forced myself to be, and its surprisingly addictive.

You'll be okay hun, I promise. Just get happier and be strict with yourself. And next time you go what if I kissed a girl, go and bloody do it! You'll feel weird the next few days but after a few weeks you'll suddenly go, oh, that's what I made all the fuss about? It won't have changed you. You're still you, and I can bet you anything you won't really mind whether you do or don't do it again! (There's a voice in your head going, but what if I do, what if I'm different to you, isn't there? Yup, just ignore that voice. Its you worrying.)

Big love and stay strong! Focus on other things and just accept this won't go away over night but will get better with time and you'll be happier and stronger as a result.

Thanks for your response :) I

Thanks for your response :)

I don't think going ahead and doing it would make me feel better. I don't feel like I'm fighting anything like an urge to be with a woman as such, more fighting these thoughts that don't make sense to me and that feel natural to me.

When I ask myself if I want to be with a girl the answer is always no in the end, I just get confused by other so called signs that I've obsessed over. I've been out to clubs heaps of times where my straight friends have kissed girls (for reasons I don't understand because they aren't even bi) and I've never felt like I wanted to, nor have I been bothered by the fact that they have in front of me.

You said you guessed one of the scariest things for me is that I'm fearful of the strong emotional attachments you have to women. Perhaps I explained that wrong to give that impression. I don't fear the strong attachments I have, this anxiety that I question as being arousal/intimidation etc is with people I hardly know and who I think are "better" than me. That's why I was wondering if it was an insecurity thing.

You mentioned you have been getting some help? Could you share some of the advice they have given you that you found helpful? I find it hard when people say just don't try and answer the questions that pop into your head, when if it was that simple, wouldn't we all do that? How do you get to the point where you go, I don't care anymore?

Thanks again for your comments!

Hmmm. Its tricky, because its

Hmmm. Its tricky, because its all very individual. I can't pinpoint an exact thing that made me start to feel better. I went to see a CBT therapist, I talked a lot to my friends about it, I was really open to thinking about sexuality and love and relationships. A huge thing for me though was that I was really unhappy when it all started. Looking back I think I was just very susceptible to anxiety - it became quite paralysing. I was also really unsure that I was doing the right course, studying for the right job, I was unconfident about my looks because I've always been quite insecure - but these are very normal things really. They were just all amplified because I was under a lot of pressure - largely self inflicted because I'm very self critical. I'm sorry, this sounds so self indulgent, but I just want to illustrate how much of these thoughts were a holistic thing and to do with more than sexuality. I think perhaps you need to do the same - you sound like me in that you believe that your thoughts should be explored, not ignored or shied away from. I took my questioning very literally and seriously - I couldn't stop thinking that I perhaps wasn't being true to myself and almost forced myself to think I was gay. I can see now that I was just trying to make sense of my insecurities. So my advice would be, be proactive. Organise to see a therapist - CBT is good because it helps you to reorganise the way you think. I used to be really harsh on myself. Now I can just shrug my shoulders more easily because I have sort of retrained myself to be kinder to myself. This could definitely help you, because insecurities are self inflicted - they are you seeing yourself and other people through a self imposed, over critical filter. (God this sounds ott reading it back, but its all true!)
However I did a lot of talking with my therapist about why I was insecure, and whilst I don't believe it helps to dwell on these things, its important to do that to identify why you feel like you do.
Other things - I started a new job and loved it. So, maybe look at what you are doing - are you satisfied. What makes you happy? Its all very individual so it might not even be work, it could be something else that makes you feel insecure.
Does that help at all?
p.s. also re arousal/ intimidation - successful people of any gender can have that effect, but I do agree, if you feel insecure they will make you feel more like that. Have you always been a people pleaser or looked to other people for reassurance? Perhaps getting out of that pattern could be important - I've really worked on trusting my own judgement and speaking my mind a bit more. Its amazing how empowering that can be.

Also, having re-read your

Also, having re-read your original post, I'd just like to add that every single one of the thoughts/ questions you've had, I have had too. And I don't think that makes us special! We're just intelligent, thoughtful people and its perfectly natural to question connections and relationships.

So where are you with your

So where are you with your recovery now? Are you comfortable that you will find a loving relationship with a man? Are you able to completely disregard your once feared thoughts? Is it still partitally plaguing you.

What kinds of exercises did your therapist suggest? Or was it more talking about what you thought might be contributing issues? Is there a way to offset the thoughts when they come on?

It's not that I feel I have to explore my thoughts in an active sense, I just don't feel comfortable having a thought and being told "just don't think about it". Of course I'm going to think about it! I feel like I need to pin point a reason why I'm having these thoughts. Maybe it is just as simple as - everyone has thoughts they just don't put value on them the way people who potentially have ocd do and they don't feel a need to scrutinise everything. Maybe it's everyone is turned on by anything sexual but people with ocd think it translates deeper into real life. Or maybe I'm just looking for excuses. I'd just like to explore these theories more so than actually act them out because I really don't feel that's where my heart is.

I have to say I'm the thing I fear most is the fact that I'm still single and feel undesirable because I meet the wrong men. I am oh s jealous of people I know who are in loving relationships and getting engage etc. If I'm honest, I believe that might be the catalyst for my problems. But can it be that simple? I also have the insecurity issues but, as horrible as it sounds, they bother me far far less when I'm in a relationship. It's almost as I feel equally successful if I'm in a relationship I think is going well. I hate that that sounds so dependent on someone making me happy when I'm not a clingy person in relationships and don't date men for the sake of dating.

Also, do you know how to contact Dr Lane for some of her thoughts too? I'd like to know if this sounds like HOCD. I'd love to chat to Mark too who wrote that fantastic article "I'm Gay, You're Not". Have you touched base with him? Does he still write on forums?

But surely if the thought is

But surely if the thought is 'am I attracted to women' (and sorry if I have got that wrong) then you can't let it go until you've experienced the physical side of that? Because whilst we can philosophise about love til we're blue in the face, a large part of attraction is the physical stuff. So if, as you say, you aren't interested in exploring that at all then there's nothing to worry about.
I do think you need to be patient and accept that this is something that you are just contemplating for now. Its very easy for me to say that, I know. My big problem was that I felt guilty for analysing whether I was attracted to girls i.e. to friends of mine who were girls - that they might feel repulsed by it - she encouraged me to imagine how I'd feel if one of my girlfriends said they were attracted to me. I'd obviously be totally cool with it and not disgusted at all. Its just little things like that to flip the way you're feeling around. So whenever you feel aroused/ anxious when you see two girls kiss or something about gay women, perhaps just go, yup that's exciting, remember that plenty of women have a similar reaction (so many of my friends say they feel that way - there are heaps of studies on it) and then go and do something completely different. Completely disconnect from it. Don't allow yourself to think about it. Half an hour later you'll go, oh right, not a big deal. Its only if you sit there checking whether you do/ don't feel aroused, then go off a do internet searches on it all, perhaps watch more of it to check again, that you'll start obsessing and get stuck in that pattern.

I'd say I'm pretty much almost there. I've been really strict with myself about relationships. None until I can be by myself and be happy to be by myself! But don't be hard on yourself - obviously we feel better when we're with someone who tells us we look great. Its so natural! Just work on not feeling undesirable around men though - it will stop you comparing yourself to other women and then worrying about that. So you'll probably never be the hottest girl in the room - I am best friends with an absolutely stunning girl - as far as I'm aware her looks may get her more initial interest but she's still single having not found the right person! And some of my less good looking friends are in incredible relationships. Were you maybe bullied about your looks when you were younger? I was and didn't have a boyfriend til much later in life. I think perhaps this undesirability could be a reason for overanalysing and feeling like you need male approval. Perhaps. I don't know! We're all so different, so its hard to tell. All I will say for sure is that it sounds as thought you are thinking way too much for your worries to be just that you are gay. On the other hand I would shy away from labelling it HOCD because I believe that to an extent we all have a fluid sexuality and therefore its probably a mixture of both things. You have said you've been happy with boys before though, so I am sure you can be again! Perhaps its time to try and focus on something completely outside of relationships, something you for you? Easier said than done, I know, but believe me, things don't become clearer until you've done that. And my biggest bit of advice would be to accept these thoughts and that things really aren't as clear cut as gay/ straight/ bisexual. Once I did that I felt happier. We've each got our own subjective angle on the world and our place in it. Your sexuality is your own private business and it is perfectly fine for you to be a straight woman who has gay fantasies or musings from time to time (not saying you do, its just an example!). And please forgive me, I don't mean to be rude, but you seem very adamant that you don't want to try anything with a girl. Why not? Its really not the end of the world if you kissed a girl - the sky won't crash in, you won't change, its not a big deal. I'm probably way off the mark, but maybe having a bit of fun with it all will stop you feeling worried about it, not necc because it would confirm you're not gay (which I really don't think you are) but because it will show you that we can have thoughts and musings that feel real and shouldn't be ignored, but that actually are just a load of crap. See what I mean? It would mean that next time you thought, what if I kissed that girl, you'd go 'yup, don't that, can't be bothered really, no big deal'. That's how it works for me anyway - I'm not scared of it because its old news.

I'm a 27 year old man - I've

I'm a 27 year old man - I've been with my girlfriend for about a year and a half. I enjoy having sex with her and I get always get arosed. I don't think I'm in love with my current girlfriend but I was in love with one of my ex-girlfriend - I still think about my ex obsessively (sometimes). I watch porn and I always get turned on by the women - I even like lesbian porn. Sometimes I see the guys in the porns and I wish I looked like them or was endowed like that. Is that weird? I see a penis and I don't think I'm turned on - I think I have envy feelings of the guy - wishing I could have that so I could turn on the women in the movies. I THINK SOMETIMES I MIX UP SEXUAL ATTRACTION AND ENVY. I know that sounds strange.

When I was a kid I use to get made fun of - called gay by my classmates when I was in 3rd grade. I never like dolls or anything, was always an athlete loved sports - plus I liked a girl in kindergarden...I just think I was a sensitive kid and the words hurt and they have stuck with me . I know this is probably a classic case of HOCD but I just wanted someone else's opinion. Do you think it's HOCD or I need to worry about my sexuality? PLEASE HELP - THANKS

Hi D1717, I just responded to

Hi D1717,

I just responded to your question - please refer to your initial post.

Dr. Lane

Where is the your response -

Where is the your response - I don't see it Dr.?

Hello. I am a 23 year old

Hello. I am a 23 year old male. I have never had a girlfriend. I have always wanted one. I have fooled around with 2 girls in the past but, when it came to looking my virginity I was too nervous. In high school I became confused with my sexuality at least I thought so. I always am checking out girls but, I am always questioning my self. It seemed to go away since I have been on Zoloft since high school. Recently I got off my medicine and these feelings have seemed to come back to me so I have now started to go back on the medicine. Whenever I look at a girl I am always questioning myself. When I masturbate I know I am straight I dont get it. I have always had anxiety. When I see a guy I am always asking myself if I like him.

What has not helped was that my brother came out of the closet 2 years ago. My parents had tremendous grief about it but, now we are cool. I am horribly scared about what happens if I were. Than I tell myself I am in deep denial with myself. Also since high school most of my friends have been girls because I am scared what if I find a male friend good looking. What the hell is wrong with me? I know I like girls but I am questioning myself. Do I like guys also? Who knows? I have been so depressed about it. My friends who I have told dont think I am at all. Are they just saying that to make me feel better. I wish life was easier.

Hi Yanks123, Based on what

Hi Yanks123,

Based on what you describe, it is very possible that you have OCD (or more specifically, HOCD - in which the primary obsession is about being gay). I don't have enough information to say for sure.

You mention that you were on Zoloft - I wasn't clear if that was for anxiety or depression, or both. While it sounds like it did help reduce your symptoms, the problem with medication - as you have discovered - is that symptoms often return once you stop.

My recommendation for you is to work with a therapist if possible - one who specializes in or who is very experienced in treating anxiety disorders, and more specifically OCD. Not all therapists have the knowledge and skills to treat OCD - it is a complex disorder and the best treatment is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT helps you identify unhealthy and irrational thought patterns and beliefs, which fuel anxiety and depression.

If you are unable to find someone locally, you might consider constacting one of the therapists listed on this site who specialize in treating OCD. You can get better, but I think your best bet is to work with a therapist.

I hope this helps!

Dr. Lane

To other readers - please do

To other readers - please do not ask more questions in this thread. Please click on "ASK" in the menu at the top, and then click on "ask a question" (in the green box) and start a new post. This thread has gotten far too long.

Thanks!

Dr. Lane

I could not be more thankful

I could not be more thankful to find that I am not alone on this. My symptoms didn't start to happen until I started trying LSD frequently this last summer. It was weird, every once in a while during the trips I would think "no one thinks your gay calm down" and though I would regain control, I have no idea why I started to think of it all the time! I have always been attracted to women and not once have I fantasized about the same sex. I remember my first girlfriend and the feelings I that came with that and it was wonderful. Especially later in life when I started to experience the more physical aspect of the relationship. Though I have been rather lonely over the past year and have been striking out with women which is upsetting me. But the last time I ate LSD about 1 month ago something snapped in my head that I felt like everyone thought I was gay and ever since I haven't been the same. I can't hang out with my friends now because I feel generally uncomfortable and even hearing the word gay gives me anxiety. It's like I know deep down I know i'm not gay but my brain keeps telling me I am and I feel like I should just agree with it so i'm not so nervous all the time. I don't understand how this started to happen because I used not care about what people thought of me and I never had these thoughts occur and I was comfortable in my own skin but now it's so bad that I have to make sure I don't think i'm walking gay. It's hard to explain. I got prescribed to zoloft and ativan and i'm seeing a therapist for my social anxiety but I haven't explained this OCD feeling I have because i'm not sure if he'll understand. I think a cognitive behavioral therapist would be best. Any input on what helped and what didn't would be awesome and overall if you got rid of this obsession how you did it?

Ok, HOCD anxiety I think. So

Ok, HOCD anxiety I think. So I left for college out of state this last fall and right before I left I had this weird dream that I liked girls. It extremely disturbed me and made me fear being gay. I haven't dated since freshmen year and I had the thought that guys thought I was gay and left me alone. I have had a crush on this guy that has been my friend for 10+ years, but recently thought that maybe I never really did. I have always dreamed of marrying an Irish man and have children and everything, but recently it's just these stray thoughts of "wait am I gay." I have never saw myself in a relationship with a girl nor found girls sexually attractive, but ever since I moved away from home it's been troubling with thoughts that am I gay is that why I haven't dated in a while or is it because I just have this thought about my friend and me. It's become disturbing and causing anxiety constantly seeing if I am attractive to girls or not.

 
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