ROCD anxiety about ex-boyfriend


I came on this site when I was severely with HOCD after a long history of ROCD. I received help for that and plan to go receive help for my ROCD, which is now "flaring up". I guess I just would like some reassurance to know that this is truly OCD.

A main theme that has been a part of my ROCD since it's onset about a year ago, has been random thoughts about my ex boyfriend and worries that I might still have feelings for him. I'm 21 now, but I "dated" him when I was in 9th grade! It was so long ago. He was a part of my life for a while as my best friend but we were on and off many times. He was clingy, jealous, and just not for me. It never worked. I started dating my amazing current boyfriend about 2 and a half years ago. I've never felt this way in my life. He makes me happy, and I just know he's the one. I've known it since we met. We're very in love but sometimes it's crippled by my ROCD. I share a lot of it with him because I share everything with him in my life, but some things I leave to myself, such as this, because I don't think I should cause him worry or distress because of a stupid false feeling/thought.

Ever since I've had ROCD, I've avoided calling my boyfriend "baby" or anything like that that would remind me of my relationship with my 9th grade boyfriend. It sounds so stupid but I feel like if I do those things, which I consider to be immature, it's going to make this relationship end as well. It's hard to explain, but I just mean, I try to avoid things that remind me of my past relationships, especially that one, and I'm causing me so much anxiety. The only way I can explain it is if I go back to my HOCD thoughts. When I had that anxiety, I was convincing myself I was gay, even though I clearly now know I am not. I convinced myself though and when I saw girls it would make me get an anxious feeling (knot in stomach and chills/nervous feeling). I saw a picture of my ex boyfriend today on facebook and I got that feeling. I get that feeling when I go to the grocery store he works at and I'm scared I'm going to see him for some reason. I feel like I've done this to myself... made my anxiety worse when it comes to him. I got over him so quickly and never had a trace of thought of him really (other than the typical "I want my ex to see that I'm happy and doing well" stuff that everyone goes through). Other than that, I never wanted to be with him again after being with my current boyfriend and it's just like since my ROCD came into the picture, I'm now doubting this. I love my boyfriend more than anything. Is this why my OCD is so bad when it comes to relationship? I'm really getting sick of it. I have my really good days and my really bad days. I'd love some input. Writing on here when I was experiencing HOCD helped me tremendously. I'm hoping for that same reassurance. :) I want to know there's nothing to worry about and that this is simply a theme or ROCD.

Thank you so much for reading.

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