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Sexual compulsions - Help!
I have struggled with intrusive sexual thoughts about children for several years. It has made me practically suicidal at times but I had come to terms with it and was accepting (most of the time) that it is just OCD and that I'm not a pedophile. However, in the past I had two incidents that disturbed me the most though I thought they were more obsessions than compulsions, so I was able to usually not feel so bad. But today I had a repeat incident that was incredibly strong and scared me to death. This is what happens...when I am around either of my VERY young nieces (toddlers), I have gotten sexual compulsions. This happened once with one niece and twice with the other (the second time was today). Basically it's something like I will be playing with them or whatever, and my brain will lock in on some body part that I suppose is the intrusive thought part. But what really scares me is that I FEEL LIKE I AM GOING TO DO SOMETHING to my niece because it's almost like a voice in my head saying "Do it, do it, do it!" and just like with hand washing or checking lights, a part of me feels I must do the thing to make the feeling go away. Of course, I would NEVER, EVER want to do such a thing but I am scared I will. I mean, if I check lights because I "have to," what is to stop me? I am so scared and feel miserable. I want children of my own so badly but am scared. I have a therapist for OCD but am scared to talk about the compulsion part. I am scared of what I'm capable of. Is this really OCD or is it something else????
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Hi Reader2011, OCD can
Hi Reader2011,
OCD can certainly make you feel compelled to do certain behaviors that are out of character for you. Most people don't actually act on the instrusive thoughts when they are caused by OCD. That being said, I can't say for sure if this is part of your OCD or not.
I can't urge you strongly enough to talk to your therapist about this as soon as you can. I also highly recommend that you not spend time alone with your nieces until you have talked to your therapist and come up with a game plan regarding these sexual thoughts. If they are just a manifestation of your OCD, you will probably never act on them. But, without further evaluation, it's better to be safe than sorry.
One of the key issues here is determining if this is OCD (or a type of OCD referred to as POCD) or pedophilia. Based on what you describe, it sounds more like POCD. But I don't know you and certainly can't say for sure.
Your therapist is the best person to talk to about this. He or she knows you, and (hopefully) knows that you have a history of sexual thoughts about children - if not, now is the time to discuss this.
If your therapist doesn't have a history of successfully treating OCD (most therapists lack the skills and experience to treat OCD - it's a particularly complex and challenging disorder) then I urge you to find one who is, and preferably one who specializes in treating it. One of the best types of treatment for OCD is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT focuses on the irrational thoughts and beliefs that contribute to and fuel your OCD.
Based on what you said, it sounds like you have never acted on these sexual impulses. Having the thoughts doesn't make you a bad person - please remember that. It's your actions that count.
Your therapist is not going to judge you - his or her role is to help you with this or refer you to someone who can.
I hope this helps!
Dr. Lane