Sexual obsessions and guilt; please help

Submitted by jacurtis Wed 12/21/2011

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I'm 20 years old and the core of my OCD has always been sexual obsessions. My OCD comes in spikes and whenever it does I'm reduced to a pile of guilt and self-loathing. The things that triggered the spike with my OCD this time is that I'm a part of an online roleplaying group. Characters interact, story lines are played out and, sometimes, there is smut involved. The thing that's tearing me apart is that, yes, I've roleplayed sex between two characters who are in a relationship and now I'm worried that it counted as cybersex. This has led to me feeling dirty and disgusting. Because the other character is played by someone who is trangendered (born a female, identifies as a male) I'm now worried that I'm gay. I feel horrible and guilt and dirty and even though I didn't have cybersex, I'm worried that I still somehow did. I get turned on by it, so doesn't that mean I'm getting sexual gratification? Wouldn't that mean it's cybersex? I'm terrified and I feel horrible. Someone please help.

Hi Jacurtis, If I were your

Submitted by Dr. Lane on Thu, 12/22/2011 - 4:23am.

Hi Jacurtis,

If I were your therapist, the first thing I would say to you if you told me this in a session would be: "Did you hear what you just said?" The reason I say that is because 1) you say that the roleplaying is triggering spikes in your OCD and 2) it makes you feel dirty and disgusting and guilty. YET, you continue to do it..... (do you see what I am getting at here?)

I don't know if you are gay or not (nor do I lean strongly in one direction) because you didn't provide much information in terms of relationships in real life. If you have no history of feeling sexually or romantically attracted to males, then these are more likely obsessive thoughts related to your history of OCD.

Is it cybersex? Yes, essentially. Does that make you a horrible person? No. But, you say it is making you feel horrible - so again, why do you continue doing it? (I'm not asking you to explain that to me - rather, you need to ask yourself that question...and determine the answer.) I'm inclined to think if it really makes you feel so awful, you'd stop. But, since you continue, there must be a significant payoff that far outweighs the guilty, dirty, disgusting feelings it elicits.

I encourage you to work with a therapist who can help you sort through the confusion and distress you are experiencing. You indicate a history of OCD with sexual obsessions - the best treatment is cognitive behavioral therapy with a skilled therapist who has experience successfully treating OCD.

In the meantime, if you continue engaging in this activity, the awful feelings are likely going to continue. The obsessive thoughts will likely continue to some degree regardless (based on your history), but you do have a choice as to whether or not you continue engaging in the online roleplaying (which doesn't sound like a good plan for anyone with distressing sexual obsessions).

I hope this helps.

—

Dr. Lane

I should have been clear. I

Submitted by jacurtis on Thu, 12/22/2011 - 7:35am.

I should have been clear. I am female and attracted to men. I continued to go back because these adult themes are an incredibly small part of the roleplaying group.