Re: To Beth


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Posted by Kix on June 15, 2001:
In Reply to: To Kix posted by Beth on June 14, 2001:
Hi Beth!

So true, its funny how our tiny accomplishments that others take for as "no big deal", mean so much to us. Years back, if I thought like this (rejoicing in going to a store for a gift for a friend) to be such an acknowledgeable accomplishment, I'd think I'd lost my marbles!

I went to see my friend and his wife tonight and gave her her gift. She was quite happy about it and we all had some wine and sat about and talked. She understood why I couldn't make it to her party Saturday (anxiety: party of 40+ people), and I reassured her that's why I came tonight because it is her 30th birthday and I didn't want to miss out on sharing that with her and my friend. My friend however (very quiet towards me early on in the night) sent me off in an anxiety attack when he said "so your not coming Saturday eh? well Kix theirs times you just have to really try to beat these things and just face them anyways" (something to this effect, even though he already knew a week and a half back I wasn't coming and why).

I got silently hostile knowing this, and piped up "well I went to the store and got her wine didn't I?" That wasn't easy, and I could go into great detail about it if you'd like (about the ruminations/etc while getting her gift). By now my anxiety, hurt and hostility was beginning to peak, so I more or less told him how it took me 2 days to go get it. By now I guess he could tell that he was getting me going (I get very descriptive and talkative when I'm under extreme anxiety and that makes him lose patience quickly so he goes quiet on me instead....as if I don't notice these things).

So whats he say in conclusion? He says to me "I only asked cause I was just checking". Unbelievable! Who has the OCD here?? "who's the checker here him or me, or umm both?? Is OCD contageous?? (I know its' not, just sarcasm). "Just checking" what??? to see if I still have OCD? to see if I'm lying and trying to get out of a social function/duty whatever?? To see just how bad I react to his comment and see if I really do get anxious for real??? WTF???

I've been best friends with this guy for 24 years........man alive! we OCDers must truly have one secret and invisible disorder. At least I can "visibly prove" my epilepsy......my ex videotaped a massive seizure going through my upper back one morning...muscles convulsing, pulsating twitching, like a giant worm was trying to force its way through my skin and escape. You couldn't duplicate that if Steven Speilberg attempted to recreate it......its so damn bona fide a visible seizure it ain't funny, not to mention the unseen in my brain neuron misfirings, mood changes, etc!!

So naturally, here I am doing the "what ifs", went down his basement and had a smoke to settle the nerves. Well I guess it proved to him I was "performing" and "trying" because I think my anxiety got the message across on its' own merit, and he seemed to somewhat accept my "can't come to the party" explanation after my documented and sealed evidence of having a tough time getting his wife a bottle of wine was indeed a legitimate thing!!! Thank God her and him have been watching shows that discuss anxiety/phobias and OCD; at least something is believable to the general public with a normal mind!

Seek said it so eloquently in his post; OCD has been stereotyped into washers and checkers, leaving no room from the OCDer who ruminates, needs everything to be symmetrical/orderly, other contaminations, needs reassurance, thinks they are gay, thinks they have hit someone with their car, on and on. OCD is huge! It does'nt stop at washing and checking! Proof in the pudding...just read this board..new symptoms, situations, obsessions/compusions all the time....always something new to learn and understand!!

Much like the stereotypical epileptic.....everyone thinks of it as falling down unconscious and passing out foaming at the mouth....there's over 40 different types of epilepsy, and not all are so easily seen or detected even by the doctors or the epileptic themselves (you can seize sometimes and not even have a clue, my buddy was telling me about his roofing on his house about a piece of wood....I blacked out for a number of seconds like my brain went empty and could not even think on what he said or picture it....he just stared at me kinda funny)........ok I'm done my vent.

Just trying to fight what ifs right now (what if this comes back on me for not going to her party down the road, what if I still can't go to big parties by X-mas this year..will my friend think I'm not trying and give me a hard time or write me off (happened once this year already on New Years with one friend over my OCD/epilepsy). F**K I wish these people would get over the notion OCD is a free lunch or something!!! God, I'd love to say "get wine for her birthday", go get it and come home without all the thoughts and checking mentally. People have no idea how wearing and stressful that can be dealing with that onslaught and trying to fight it off with logic constantly to some degree!
My God, I'm venting again, ok I'm done for sure.Sorry Beth this is the tail end of my anxiety being released from 1 hour ago. Enough about me........

Its good to know you talk to God as you do. He listens to your every word, and even knows what you will say before you even say it. He will honour you sincerity and submission to Him in your reverence of His power and glory! I believe He will help you beat the number thing, because He is true and OCD is a liar and a theif just like the bastard satan himself.

That "crystal clear thought" is truly a wonderful experience of the Holy Spirit's revelation. It makes you want to leap for joy knowing something is up with God on your behalf, as He slowly makes His will manifest in us. Recreating the thought?.....never could to the same extent it was brought on; just more or less basked in the thought itself and pondered on it for what it was.

Much like I shared in an earlier post how that "crystal clear thought" came to me about the lyric in the song on the tape deck in my car, being relevant to the seizure I'd had behind the wheel. That was only months ago, 5 years later after the incident occured. God is very personal, and those intimacies He shares with us are very connecting and in time well understood as He lays it all out before us over time.

I'm glad you are feeling better Beth, and getting relief bit by bit!!
Thanks for your prayers as well, and for your mentioning of my drums, that was a true surprise to me indeed that they accepted that so smoothly after such a definite "no" response over the concern of blown fuses because of the vibrations/resonance of the bass drum. I think perhaps when I asked them maybe my folks were anxious and stressed, my mom was going to the doctors that day.

Maybe she and my dad just needed time to think and focus before understanding the fuses couldn't blow out of the wall if the bass drum was no where near the fuse box and pointed at the freezer instead. hard to say. We all have our crazy days!!??

I hope you have a great weekend!
Your in my prayers

God Bless

Kix


>>��Hi!

>>��I'm glad you had a productive day and got that bottle of wine
>>��for your friend's wife. It's amazing how things that seem trivial
>>��to non-OCDers can be big accomplishments for us. I can totally relate
>>��to your many thoughts/what ifs while you were doing your errand. You're
>>��right, OCD is a liar and telling yourself the truth is really beneficial.

>>��This morning when I was walking to work, I was silently talking to God.
>>��I asked him to work his will in my life and help me beat the number thing.

>>��Shortly after that I had the thought that OCD is a liar and that six can't
>>��hurt me. It was one of those moments of insight or flashes of reality that
>>��really was crystal clear. God is awesome. Then of course I try to recreate
>>��that moment by re-thinking the same thought but that doesn't work! So I
>>��stopped ruminating about it and just went on with my day. I've felt pretty
>>��positive about things lately.

>>��Thanks for your prayers and support.

>>��God bless,
>>��Beth
>>��P.S. I'm happy for you that the drum playing in the house issue was resolved.
>>��Glory to God.





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