OCD is a combination of:
anxiety
fear
constant, time-consuming worry
rumination (thinking about the same thing over and over)
seeking reassurance
checking, which is trying different things to see if your fear is real
seeking a final answer on what causes your worry or fear
once you get a "final answer" you still come up with another "what if"
in fact, "what if" is a big part of your thoughts all the time with OCD
OCD is caused by a chemical imbalance in your brain which keeps you on a heightened state of alert for whatever is your fear. It is similar to the adrenaline our body produces whenever we are in an emergency situation. Think of OCD as having to stay in a constant state of emergency over a fear which causes anxiety, concern, worry, and endless thoughts.
Maddmaxx, I hope that you can get some good care soon by a psychiatrist and/or therapist who knows about OCD. With medication and behavior therapy, you will not have to endure these constant bad thoughts. With this care, you will also realize that what you are going through is really OCD. There is never really any ultimate proof about anything in life. But with proper care of your OCD, you will learn that ultimate proof is not needed in order to lead a good life. Hang in there. I think of you a lot and wish the best for you.
John 16's Mom