to: john 16's mom

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Posted by ryan on May 10, 2002:
hey mom, yeah, i'm not doing too well. the gay fears has gone away again. it has totally brought on something new. something that is really worrying me. i worry about "depersonlization disorder." which is really not too curable. i guess it could be the same as aids. but the weird thing is that people with this disorder have the same symptoms as ocders do. they tend to worry, get anxious, and have panic attacks about the depersonlizations. i'm not sure if i have it, but i believe i do. ill have to talk it over with my therapist next week thursday. our appointments are usually every two weeks, but i think once a week is going to have to start happening. anyway, yeah, im ok this morning. my sons birthday is tomorrow. we're going to be really stressed out trying to put his birthday party on and what not. i just obsess that ill never be ok with this disease since its not too known because i guess its not big enough, or it doesnt effect enough people for doctors to even try to get grants to study it. sometimes when i see old people like grandpa's and grandma's i feel like i can't wait to get that old so i can just die soon. it's so sad that i have to think like that.

anyways, tell john to stay up, he can do it, and to hang in there.

i'm really skeptical about medicine. i hear so many horror stories of it not working, and how theyve just made them worse. but then again, its all different for everyone. nobody has the same body chemistry so one thing might work for one person, and it might not work for the other.

so im just trying to hang in there and get things done. i hope to get some medicine soon if i need it. ill talk it over once more with my doctor and then we'll see how it goes from there.

ok take care all.

this is a message to anyone who is suffering from the gay fears. this is just proof that it can and will go away. when your mind finds something more evil to think about, your worse fear will go away and start on a new one. to be honest with everyone here, i would rather have the gay fears then worry that i might be suffering from depersonalization.

take care, and most of all, keep the faith in the lord, god bless.

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