Peace of Mind

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Posted by CAmFG on May 13, 2002:
Ever since I had a virus and fever as a toddler I have had a fantastic headache. This has gone on for thirty-five years. When it gets bad there are lights and sounds and the pain achieves its own sentience. I have had been plagued with intrusive thoughts. Medications haven't worked (lithium, carbemezapine, depakote, risperdal, geoden) and many years of counseling have left me better informed but still on the ropes. Many of my friends have estranged me because they could not cope with me. I understand their position but I miss them terribly. My attempts at reconciliation have failed. I ascribe to the Christian belief that friends are our treasure in heaven but I've lost my treasure. I take responsibility for the failure and estrangement, but I have no mechanism to rectify the wrong. And even if it is rectified, my original illness is still a factor.

A growing obsession is that their estrangement is eternal. Over the years my understanding of scriptures has been affected by my illness and I no longer feel that the peace of God can transcend my symptoms. This may be another failure on my part, but it is very real to me. It is compounded with the belief that God cannot arbitrate reconciliation with my friends in eternity. They have moved on and I am irrelevant. I have held on this long because I felt peace and reconciliation were options. Without those options my situation is degrading rapidly. I am fearful that I have exhausted all the coping mechanisms available to me. After many years of trying I am failing. There is no glory in this and no one is waiting at the end of the long and winding road.

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