Did I do something wrong? I can't remember.

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Posted by Kaye on May 15, 2002:
I was diagnosed with OCD a couple of years ago, right after my daughter was born. It was so scary. My family physician put me on Paxil, Serzone and xanax (panic attacks, too). I was feeling so good I decided to gradually come off of these meds. So I did. And, here I am a couple of months later and I'm starting this crap all over again. I don't feel comfortable letting people know what my obsessions are. I will say it has to do with caring for my youngest child. I'm having a bad night. Has anyone out there thought they'd done "something" wrong. That's just what has happened to me. But, as hard as I think I can't really remember what exactly it is. I know that sounds strange. And the more I think about it the more my memory fades. I keep thinking what if I really did this terrible thing. What kind of awful things would happen to me. The more I think about it the more I begin to panic. My heart is pounding. I feel like waking everyone in the house. But, I know that no one can help me and no one can explain to me what I need to know. And the more I think about these thoughts that I've done this terrible thing the more they become real. I begin to pace in my mind like a tiger eagerly trying to find his way out of this cage or my brain. An overwhelming feeling of doom and hopelessness has come over me. If I could just retrack my steps and undo what I did wrong. But, what did I do? I've been crying and prayed. But, even God can't seem to help. I took a xanax so I feel alot calmer now since I've been writing this. Now the fear has somewhat subsided. This is so crazy. I guess I may have to go back on my meds. I want to be normal and be just a regular mom and wife.

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