Hey there. I'm actually been exploring some new theories behind OCD--theories that are probably somewhat controversial but that I'd love to bounce off other members of this board. I know that a lot of people say that with OCD, the anxious fears we have are things that we would never actually enjoy. But I've been doing a LOT of soul searching lately, and I'm starting to think that the reason we get so freaked out by our OCD fears is because they ARE, in reality, acts we are potentially capable of committing, and enjoying as well. I think we're just too scared to admit that to ourselves, because that would mean hell.
>> Maybe the risk of us actually acting out our OCD fears is small, but it's still there. And for us to see the evil that lies in our hearts, to see how sick we really are--that TERRIFIES us and launches us into despair, and so we condemn, condemn, condemn ourselves--as if condemning ourselves gets us off the hook. I think it's our way of maintaining control--if WE condemn ourselves, then maybe we can do it before someone else does, and that way someone else will be nice to us. Am I making any sense? My point is this--I think that OCD is a war between self-indulgence and self-torture. We would LOVE to be able to indulge our sickest fantasies, and when we realize this it scares us to death, so we beat ourselves to death as if to prove--"See! I'm not enjoying this! I'm not enjoying this!" So now what? Do we despair at the true evil in our hearts? OR, do we rejoice in the fact that Christ KNOWS we are evil and died for us anyway? Do we bash ourselves with guilt, or do we humble ourselves to admit that we are sick and need Jesus just as much as everybody else? This verse gives me hope like I never expected: "It is not the healthy who need a doctor, BUT the SICK. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners." (Mark 2:17) It's not the healthy that Jesus came for--it's US--the sickest of them all--isn't that beautiful?
>> I don't know if I'm making sense or not--those are just my thoughts on the truth behind HOCD and OCD in general. Please tell me if this sounds totally like a bunch of rambling or if you understand what I'm trying to say.
>> Love and blessings,
>> >> i understand that anxiety and fear are hallmarks of hocd and this is what i feel. i relate to everyones posts about hocd and being scared and consumed with thoughts all the time.
>> >> but i've had some gay fantasies in the past but i never want to actually do them for real. i thought about going down on guys, and i've wondered what it would feel like to be penetrated. i actually enjoyed it a number of times.
>> >> but like many of you i always had straight fantasies and sexual desire for females in school or on the street, etc. i never met a man that i wanted to have sex with although i had the fantasies a couple of times. i guess i had homosexual fantasies (oral sex, some anal sex, etc) about 5% of the time, the rest was straight sex. i never had the fantasies growing up, just for a brief period in my twenties.
>> >> now, this has sparked much panic and fright within me. i know i masturbated while thinking about going down on a guy and i did it on several occassions. but i also thought about doing it way more to females and that's what i want to act out in my life. also, there was never any emotional ties or desire to know or date men. just some sex acts in my fantasy life.
>> >> now i feel consumed with anxiety and fear that i'm gay and i have all the symtoms that are described in the posts here. its very much like reading about myself. the only difference is that i'm very afraid because i've had these thoughts and fantasies. but in real life my actual desire is to be with females.
>> >> i'm terrified i'm gay or bisexual or something. have any of you hocd sufferers had homosexual fantasies?