Re: suddenly very anxious again

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Posted by Lisa on May 23, 2002:
In Reply to: suddenly very anxious again posted by Katie on April 15, 2002:
>> Hi Katie,
I don't know if you still check out the boards but I just had a night like you described below. I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn't get back to sleep because the cynical voice reared it's ugly head. I was doing better (I've only been on meds for 3 weeks), you know able to push the bad thoughts away when they popped up and then it wasn't bothering me. But then because it wasn't bothering to have the thoughts that bothered me. So then I the cynical voice starting saying "See you really do want this why else would you let yourself think about it". So when I try to think of the other people on this board and how my symptoms are like theirs the cynical voice says "Yeah but they have the checking or the counting compulsions where you don't, so you probably don't really have OCD you just want to think about this stuff". Or "All the people on the board have had this disorder since they were young but you only starting two months ago". (Actually if I did have a distrubing thought I would just push it away but two months ago I went into a spiral and started having anxiety/panic attacks because of it). GRRR! NO I DON'T!

I use to be able to pray when I was scared or upset about something but that's what the OCD is attacking-the thing I hold most dear-yet fear the most. Not going to heaven-see my parents died when I was young and the thought that one day I would see them again has always keep me going.  Now it's like I'm afraid to live yet afraid to die also. I know what you mean about wanting to just curl up into a ball.

I couldn't call anyone either last night and I was trying to go to this website but didn't have the link on my computer at home:( My dog stayed by me though.

I just hate this because I feel like it's affecting the eternity and my place in it. I makes me sick thinking of the stuff. I'm not saying I would prefer cancer but at least with that you physically feel it-with this you don't know when it hits except for your thoughts-but then shouldn't you be able to control your thoughts?

I have and have had the same thoughts when I see a good looking guy, "Yeah right. What are thinking? He won't be interested in you". So I use to crawl back in my shell. I'm trying to come out of it.

Anyway this is really long. Your post really helped me this morning. Thanks and God Bless! I hope you are feeling better:)

>>  Hi,

>>   I've been keeping away from this board alot, but lately i have been extremely anxious. I went off my meds by accident (or laziness, rather) again and wasnt feeling too good, but i'm pretty sure that i've been checking myself alot lately. worrying and trying not to think about it. I hadn't reverted to the reassurance of checking this board until just now. it's 2am. I got my persc. filled today and took my meds again but i was feeling very uneasy so i checked the board (probably in response to a few things in particular that have been bothering me a WHOLE lot.) And suddenly i'm a total wreck! I have that extremely tight chest/knotted stomach feeling. Also i'm on the verge of tears because it seems hopeless. I want this to go away. I can almost pinpoint the moment when this whole stupid anxiety began but that doesnt help at all. I'm so afraid it will never go away. I'm so afraid that i will never get married or have children or anything and it seems entirely possible. I'm shy. and thats a drastic understatment. I honestly spend most of my time in my dorm room. i rarely do anything with other people other than attending class. I dont know what to do because anytime i seem to have an interest in the outside world a cynical voice seems to say "yeah right, you're just kidding yourself" I know this is cryptic but i dont feel like being detailed right now. this post is largely for my own benefit. I feel horrible. I want to talk to my dad. he went through this and got better. but i have a hard time convincing myself that ill ever be better. and the worst thing is that i seem to have lost any faith at all. in God. I know i belive,or i thought so. I dont know anything. Ive always been so skeptical. and it so easy when you isolate yourself to avoid going to church. whenever i do that cynical voice crops up and i notice all the inconsistencies in religion and have a hard time believing the things i took for granted as a child, the things that everyone else in the room seems to belive without question. My life is nothing but questions. questions and questions about my questions. I question my faith and other things and these two obsessions. (i really hope thats all they are) seem to compliment eachother and help eachother make me miserable. And i wonder if what i'm trying so hard to believe is all just a sham and if there really is nothing out there and i'm just in denial of it in order to avoid other questions. I'm terrified. Ive never been so distressed as i am at this moment. I want to call my mom, but its 2am and i dont think shed appreciate it so im writing this here. I know none of this probably makes any sense since i'm being vague. Its my nature to be cautious with my feelings, to the point of extreme and this anxity hasnt helped that any. Some of ya'll may remember me and know what i've been going through. I dont want to go into it now. Ive been better, i really have, but the checking and the constant doubt are still there, lingering even though they dont usually seem quite so urgent as they do now. Every time i notice a guy that cynical voice is making fun of me. I think i got so used to being teased as a child and teenager that now that no one really does that much to me any more i tease myself mercilessly. I'm such a wreck of a person right now I dont know what to think. I dont want to worry anyone. I'll never be suicidal. I may not be sure about my religion anymore but some things are pounded so deep they're part of my character. I'd never even consider it. I just wish that i could get on with life. I thought i was better. at least mostly. I almost wish my obsessions would move on to something else, but they seem to have decided to gang up and now i'm dealing with two. Im sure i'll be back to business as usual as soon as my meds get me back on track but for now i feel aweful. I'm sorry for making you read this. I know i'm seeking reassurance. Every time I get a disturbing thought or image and i'm going through the grimace/nonononononononnotmenotmenotme etc ritual that cynical voice is like "yeah right. you dont have ocd. you're just making this stuff up" and it seems so rational. so logical. I didnt really have any rituals to start with. just ruminations. Id sit for hours trying to reason out the anxiety and avoiding conclusions that terrified me(and that in itself terrifies me). and I read about ocd and i was like "oh my gosh! thats me! except the rituals so i started looking for info on ocd without rituals and i found it and i was so relieved but i wonder if i started the other nonsense to reassure myself that it was ocd. I cant seem to stop now but it seems logical doesnt it? doesnt that mean that its not ocd at all? gah! i hate this. I want to talk to my dad. i'm sorry ive repeated myself a dozen times. I'm much more calm now. i was in tears a moment ago and now they've dried up. for some reason my emotions never last long. that and its implications scare me too. all right. ive bored/confused you enough. good luck all of you. thank you for your help in the past and the help ill doubtless recieve in the future
>>   Katie

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