Posted by Joe on May 25, 2002:
Yeah, i understand fully what you are saying. The only thing that bothers me, is that i have my entire life up unil three months ago, damn, i couldnt even picture myself with a guy, i used to say, How could someone do that? it was just not normal to me. and then i saw an episode of the "real world" and i thought the gay guy, chris, said that he had girlfriends all through high school and then later on he 'turned gay', and that scared the crap out of me, i kept thinking to myself over and over...Oh, no, if people can all of a sudden turn gay, that means it could happen to me. This is when i started fantasizing about men and seeing if it turned me on, and it didnt the first time. then about two weeks after that incident, i was in a car and i once again wanted to test to see if i was gay, so i thought what would happen if the kid went down on me.....and i actually got erect. It scared the everliving crap out of me i was never more scared in my entire life. The other time i got erect was again in a car ride to florida, on I-95 they have all billboards and crap for strip clubs - so i was picturing a man walking around girls getting and it got me erect.(also strangely enough, both times i was eating sunflower seeds, you know the david seeds that you have to crack open, could alot of salt cause erections?) those were the only two times that ive ever gotten stiff off thinking about men, now whenever I am around a man, i get so nervous with butterflies in my stomach that he will arouse me. It is giving me complete hell, im so scared about turining gay that it is all i think about, whereas before this all i could think about was women, now it is the fear of if being around guys will arouse me. and its killing me. before i was so bent on getting married, having a girlfriend, but now this has made me so depressed i dont even know what i want anymore. This has even put my straightness into question. its killing me inside, everything was fine before, i cant work right, i cant sleep right, (Now i even have dreams about walking around seeing men all over the place, And i mean this could just be my fears surfacing in my dreams - but im scared that it is my true inner feelings and that its telling me I am gay) ARrrrrrrrrghhhhh....its so scary, i mean i would masterbate to women alot in my life, and i still can, but the fear is residing behind me everytime i do. I say Could i do this to a man? I refuse....REFUSE to try to masterbate to a man, but i feel that if i really tried, i could. And now these fears have almost dominated my life everyday that they are starting to almost become like they are normal, which scares me even more. Im not the same person i was before, im not happy at home - Im not happy at work - all i can think about is me turning gay, and how much it would ruin my life. you seemed to analyze my last comment pretty well, but now with more background on how i am feeling - do you think you could do a little more towards me. I mean, ALWAYS i liked women, im scared i cant talk to my friends about girls anymore like i used to. Now, I am 300 pounds, so i dont get any girls, but from a very young age, like you said, i knew even before i knew what sex was, is that i was aroused to women. I used to get these weird thoughts about one of my friends moms that was pretty, and she would be walking in a haunted house and some moster would start rubbing her leg or something like that and it would arouse me. It just doesnt seem like i could change like this. from something that felt so right now to something that feels like someone said in an earlier post 'something that concievably can be done, so your worried that it will happen to you', but anyways back to me not getting girls, yeah i dont get any, but i knew i wanted them. I was always so jealous about not having a girlfriend in High School. So my big question is this, is my depression about not being able to get girls, leading me to not look upon them the same way, and now this fear about being gay just happened at the right time. I mean, i know i cant get a girl in bed, im not a good looking kid, they dont like fat kids. So i basically stopped trying to get them, and now im scared about being gay, do both these things that come at the same time just be a bad coincidence, could i just be depressed about girls and afraid of being gay at the same time, with the depression and uncertainty about being able to mack it with a girl fueling my fear of becoming gay. Could really use your help on this. Im so scared, i just want to be back the way i was. Liking girls and looking foward to marriage all over again. I was so happy that way, thanks for helping me out everyone, for three months i talked to noone about this, this website is great.