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Posted by HOCD Continued thought.... on May 27, 2002:
Yeah, i agree, the time that I am the happiest is when i think that I am heterosexual. Like you said hyper, i am also very happy, feel like i can be myself again, and talk to people normally, but when the worry that i am gay comes back......its like complete hell, everything i do i think of, Is this gay what im doing? Am I attracted to that guy over there? its awful.

Question, which may solve some of my insecurities. in work the past few days ive been making sure i talk to plenty of girls and stuff to reassure me, and i do get aroused whenever i talk to some girls, or girls like talk to me and stuff, DO GAY PEOPLE DO THAT? I think that would be a huge answer to my burning question, usually i can tackle these things myself if i can find peace of mind.

When i see a guy that i think of 'girls consider attractive' i even try to talk to them and see if that will make me aroused, and it doesnt, but it just makes me nervous. I am always nervous when a guy walks up to me, now in my mind, i think to myself, this must be because i am gay, straight guys dont get nervous around guys, and shit for the first 19 years of my life ive never got nervous around a guy, not until this worry started. So i am wondering if others feel that me being nervous is just the fact that when i guy is around im just so nervous that he will arouse me that it is making me nervous? did that make any sense?

Third, in my mind, I get aroused by any kind of sex, if i fantasize about girl to girl, i get aroused, girl to guy, aroused. and until now i never fantasized about guy to guy, but in this worry of becoming gay i have tried it, and if it even started to arouse me, it would scare the living crap out of me, so i stopped. my question is this....does all thoughts of sex arouse people?!?! cause i mean i dont know what the heck is going on with me. Before this entire fiasco everything felt so right as a heterosexual, now im in total doubt. Please help!!


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