I've never thought of myself as gay.
I can't imagine myself holding a guy in my arms.
I can't imagine myself loving or caring for a guy.
I've never EVER had to repress any kind of emotional/intimate urge for males.
I wouldn't feel the slightest bit saddened if every male on the planet dissapeared tommorow.
Neither have i. until now. Until these worries of OCD came into my brain i never thought of these things. Now i am picturing the future that i would have if i was gay, i mean, yeah, my family would accept it, (deep down they would be dissapointed) the funny thing is i can picture myself in the future with a man, and it eventually frightens me if i think about it too much, but yeah, i can picture it. I can also picture myself with a woman in the future, this of course is the preffered future in my brain, i can also picture myself as celibate the rest of my life. but along with all those, i can picture myself in the future as a oh i dont know....i might decide to chop my leg off and become a pirate....I DUNNO why that came to mind...haha. Anyways, but the thing is, at this point in my life i have no idea where i am going. I would like to be straight, i mean, but could i picture myself as gay.....yeah i can. would i be happy that way, i dont know...i really dont know. Thing is is this thing has depressed me so much, i dont know what i want anymore. The HOCD raises so much doubt, or i hope its the OCD. all I know is this, my grandfather was a family man, my father a family man, and my entire life i wanted to be a family man just like the rest of them. but with this popping up, i dont know anymore, im so worried that anything could happen to me. All ive ever wanted in life, is to be happy. be happy, that is all. now could i be happy with being gay, the ridicule I would get, the living in constant fear, i know deep down my family would be dissapointed, so would i be happy as a gay man, probally not. Would I be happy straight with a wife and kids, probally yes. But the thing is, i have been hurt by so many women, right now i cannot picture myself with a girl that would make me happy, I am just praying that some day, some angel will come to me and make all my worries go away. Some woman that i can love the rest of my life, someone that will make all my fears, worries, doubts go away. Whenever i take a look at family photo's, and my family, and how happy a family is, and whenever i take a look at children and families with children, i cry. I cry because i wanted that so much before, and now i am in total doubt. Does anyone else now not know where they stand as a part of this disease? I am in terrible shape, i could use some help...thanks