Re: almost near suicide.

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Posted by MIKE on May 28, 2002:
In Reply to: Re: almost near suicide. posted by Straitye on March 16, 2002:
hi Straitye,
i´m in more or less the same situation, i thnk of suicide everyday,, looking for reasons not to, but i carry on fighting, this has to have a solution, i´m spending hours and hours on the web looking for answers from people all over the world, i also feel hopeless, taking a lot of medication. i ahd the same fears as you, months back i thought i could be dangerous (thats irrational, i´ve never harmed anybody in my life), then thought i was crazy also convinced myself i´m stupid (and still think so!) although i have two degrees, I simply think they were a waste of time because they are no use to me, neither is my car, or my house, or anything i have. i´m doing a job i hate, only because i fear success, failure, responsibilites, all sorts of fears. cant date because i´m afraid of commitment and don know who the hell i am anywway, never mind what kind of girl i want, and dont mix with friends at the moment, so thats out of the window. things got so out of hand once that i though i may be homesexual despite never having felt any attraction to men whatsoever, this is how irrational it gets... yet i try to keep reminding myself that it is irrational, that its the ayw i see things although deep inside i have this non-ending tape that is telling me how absoultuelt crap i am and i keep thinking im selfish and that all ive done is hurt other people, i have put down every achievement ive ever made down to the help of others, i have lost completely my own self worth and even my sense of identity because i have been gradually trying to agree with every person that comes before me, thinking how good or lucky they are and how worthless i am because im such a crap human being, i compare myself absolutely to everybody, i have even got to the point of thinking some criminals are better people than me simply because they dont hurt the ones that love them, i fear death, i fear about loss, i fear everything. although im catholic, i stopped attending chuchc becuase i guess that I was afraid of God and thought i had enough problems of my own to enjoy life a much as i could, without the need for all those rules that were simply going to limit em. the fact now is that i think i haven´t done something stupid simply because i´m afraid (again!) that if i do it i´´ll suffer forever (adn needless to say, my parents, my sister, and all the friend who I know care for me yet I can´t have honest conversations with at the moment because I simply dont know even what to say, or how to react, i feel i have ot please everybodies opinion and have lost my own sense of identity, have little opinions on anything, its awful but I do have hope and I amm going to try every venue I can until i get better, there has to be a solution to this, with time and a lot of patiente (somethign I lack because I think my attention span is something like 2 seconds!!)-

i know how hard it is and i´m with you, i was so mad yesterday as i tried to describe some of this to a close ´friend´and he laughed and said, hmmm maybe your from another planet!!! this is the bloody toruble, i feel all this, but then try and explain it to anybody and they think its a bloody exaggeration, its all in the head, etc etc my sister has bulimia (another form of OCD as far as i am concerned!!) its not fari, but there must be a genetical component in this and i´m hopeful that the right medication can help. waht really bugs me is that i´ve lived with this for such a long time, i reached the job of my dreams and had the girl of my dreams when i literally crashed and my brain totally went blank, and i mean it, i fainted in LA, and didn´t know where i was, there i was with my suit, laptop and stuff and didn´t know whether i was coming or going. after a number of severe attacks i had to be taken home by relatives and wouldnt leave home for weeks. it absolutely felt as if the "hard disk" had been reformatted!! and that´s what i believed, i believed my limbic system had gone crahs, that nothing could be recovered, yet this has proven to be untrue although i do feel totallyy fucked up, i have "recovered" from a state where i could hardly speak to anyone or stop analysisng myself. i still cant sleep alone at night, i need to be at my parents, but things, do seem to improve...

pleae hang, on, try exercise (i hated having to start, got sick of everybody telling me to do it but a week ago i forced myself to do it and felt some improvement). i personally have also thought of trying tai-chi or something similar, i don´t expect any ´miracles´ but at least it should get me out of home and stop thinking so much about the future etc etc

please carry on fighting....

>>  >>  this is my story. i have ocd, been diagnosed, blah blah blah. im pretty messed up right now worrying that im going to be a sociopath. i hurt a cat and it died, pretty much all my fault. i cannot say why i did it. i am just fucked up in the head. i would like to say that i plan to just not live anymore. if anyone has some advice,i would like to hear it. i already hate my life, life sucks. good bye.

>>  Sociopaths don't worry about being a sociopath. By definition, people like that feel nothing about hurting others. So the fact that you worry about it proves that you are not one.

>>  Your fears are terrible. OCD can really be awful, but it's just OCD. There are two treatments for it which can help you defeat it. One is medication; the other, which is even more powerful, is cognitive-behavioral therapy. It generally only takes a few weeks to work - and many, many people with fears just like yours have gone on to lead happy, peaceful lives. Believe me - what you are frightened of is very common, and it is very treatable. If the treatment you've received so far hasn't worked, you need to find an expert, someone who specialises in treating this sort of thing.

>>  Don't hurt yourself. Think of it this way - this is a battle which you can win. Don't give up before the battle has even begun. At least give it your best shot, attack this thing in any way you can. This is an enemy, and even though it seems very powerful, it isn't. With the right techniques, you will look back upon yourself later this year and you won't even be able to BELIEVE that you had fears like this. Honestly - just give it a few more months. So much is at stake - remember how you felt before this started? You can feel like that again.

>>  Don't take OCD's crap any longer. Don't put up with it hurting you like that. Take the fight to its home turf. The only way you can do that is see someone who is an expert in treating people with OCD. Go to and look at the referrals section - they can tell you who would be best suited in your area to treat you. Treatment is actually surprisingly easy - you will see that, to your own surprise, these fears will stop bothering you very quickly.

>>  If you really think about killing yourself, call 911 or go to an emergency room. That will make it clear that you really cannot stand this crap any longer and you will get help quickly. But don't go down that road. There is no need to. With the right treatment, you will get better and feel normal again.

>>  Please e-mail me if you would like to talk.

>>  Straitye

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