Good sign - but i still worry :-/

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Posted by Joe on May 29, 2002:
This morning i had a dream finally of these beautiful girls in my dream wearing skimpy clothing....this is a good sign, also in that dream i saw one of my buddies and hugged him, and EVEN IN THE DREAM i remember saying to myself, did that just arouse me - did that just arouse me. Strange thing though, even with that still does not feel comforting. Now whenever i fantasize about women, it feels like i am just doing so to prove that im not gay - and thats the only reason im doing it. and now, if i ever fantasize about men, it is just to see if i indeed am gay. This morning i tried to masterbate to one of my friends.....and i couldnt do it. I kept saying to myself well your not trying as hard as if you were to a woman. Its almost as if my brain is telling me to try to do it as hard as you can to prove your gay. after i couldnt do it, i got off to one of my friends that was a girl, and i was still anxious now after that. I felt as if the only reason i did that was i tried so hard to get off to her and not a man. Im so afraid that when this worry ends. One of the reasons that this whole thing is worrying me so much i was thinking, is the first time that i thought about fantasizing about a guy - i dont know, i think i might have got aroused. it may have been one of those worries like this is wrong, but it kind of feels good. and im worrying about turning back to the way i was. Because i had so many wonderful fantasies about woman that ive liked, but in reading my posts you should have read that i have had absolutely no sucess to women. so im pretty depressed over them. ive never even kissed a girl. My worry now is this. Because i got excited from a man, something that i hadnt had happen spontaneously to a woman before, could this indicate a turn in my sexual orientation????????????????? I was so happy before about girls, but i just have no reason right now to go for them, every single one of them have led me on or became close to me and then all they do is want to be friends or not hook up. so i am bumming about that. In analyzing this maybe my gay fear started becuase i was so uninterested in women because of the fear that i might get hurt again. So with everyone calling me a fag and just joking around at school, i got the idea in my head that i might be gay. I even remember this dude that i would chill with, entire first semester i thought nothing of him, just wanted to be his friend. But my suitemates all made fun of me cause they werent friends with him and whenever i went to his dorm theyd pull shit like hows the boyfriend situation - just jokes like that. So one time i started thinking - am i attracted to him? and i think thats how all this started. Its not like i started chilling with the kid saying man hes hot i wanna chill with him. Obviously all human beings can recognize a good looking man or woman. And then with the thoughts of people all of a sudden turning gay - it was just my brain was on it, and now its like convincing me that i am gay. but the one thought of going down on a guy once that might have excited me a little bit scares me. because if i think about it now, it doesnt excite me, but that is because it seems like i am in a checking process whenever i do so. before when i was relaxed, it did excite me a little bit, and i got so scared mind you when this happened i didnt know what to do. Has anyone ever gotten actually excited by an urge like that, and then it stopped when the worry stopped? When i do in fact find piece of mind from the OCD, im afraid that I will be accepting the fact that i am gay, and no longer straight. CAN YOU CHANGE? im so scared. its like an everyday battle, yesterday i was alright, today im bumming again. i mean im finding hundreds of proofs now that show that im not gay, like i get erections when i talk to girls at work sometimes and not when im around women, i feel better when i see myself as straight and not gay, its much easier to masterbate to a woman than a man, but yet i feel like all these feelings is like a brain 'protective system'. cause this is what i want everything to be like, then this is how its going to happen, but as soon as you stop worrying about it, your gonna be gay, OK. So i could use your thoughts about this topic, i feel that the ONE time that i do get an erection and aroused around a man it will be the end of me, and my life is an everyday struggle - like ok, nothing today, but tomoroow is another day. But i worry that im trying so hard to see if when im around a guy getting an erection, im thinking about me not wanting to get one so much that that is the reason i am not, and as soon as i stop worrying then I will get them around guys. im still getting erections around women though. which is good right? Im sorry i am making you all help me so much, just whenever i think now - i think through you guys, you have been so much help to me. im still trying to fight this thing, but its so much easier to fight it with help of friends on this website....thank you...god bless...

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