4 months later

Its been a long time since I ve posted here where I asked you to give me reasurance for my HOCD problem
I ve been no step forward just anxiety is gone away but the thoughts and the feelings and the insecurity about my sexuality are still here
Dr.lane : When I get impulsive homosexual thoughts its like they really arouse me (How could OCD do that?) but I try topush these thoughts away like I close my eyes quickly or shake my head to push them away becuase Idont like it
I am person with a big conscience could this be the problem that I even ( if I am a lesbian in the closet) push the thoughts away that I may like because I never could accept of being gay?
Ii broke up with my boyfriend whomer I dated for almost 6years ( I am 21) because I was afraid that one day I turn out gay and our relationship was nothing but a lie !! This would be too cruel ,additionally the relaionship puts to much preassure on me relating to the OCD problem and as my boyfriend recognized I was not emotionally with him he gets always really jealous which I couldnt bear anymore....You see that OCD disturbs everything
But I still hope that one day we canbe again together and have family .....
Its like at the moment I am so confused that I neither want to be with man nor with women ( anyway)
I have lost almost all my attraction to men
When I feel I may be attracted to them I am really happy but most of the time its like crap
I still avoid eye contact or looking at women but sometimes I have the feeling that I have to look at women !?I even dont want to go on holiday with my girlfriends because I am afraid that I may be attracted to them ....
Dr. lane whats wrong with me???
Do I am in denial?
I make the copy paste thing of the other question I have posted to remember me maybe

Hello out there I am from
Submitted by fromgermany on Wed, 03/09/2011 - 10:20pm.

Hello out there
I am from germany(sry for false grammar!!!) but in my country the topic of HOCD is not really known so i am searching in english blogs to find help
So I do have OCD , it is really clear , because I was scared about lots of things last time like becoming a murder beeing pedophil or even die .... and each of these fears were really terryfying!!
The problem is i do not know if i am lesbian in the closet or just do have HOCD and the point is
that I do have this fear since I can remember back (for now 6 or 7 years) and now I am 20^^ years old
All people who think who have Ocd just get it later and not since puberty :(((( that makes me really sick
1
I have a realationship to a guy for now 5 years but i doubt if I really ever loved him
But I remember beiing really happy with him in the past Thought about marriage and children and spend wohle life with him , had sex dreams with him and all the stuffetc. but in between I had these fears of beeing lesbian and do not really love him
I cant remeber of any dreams or wishes to crush with a woman just sometimes of kissing a girl in my dreams but never more than that and i hated these dreams!!!
So i remember very well when I was young and went to the cinema in the 8 mile film I was scared to look at the woman because I thought I was lesbian
I spent so many hours in asking if i am and sometimes I did believe i was a lesbian that made me so depressed I cried many hours but since up to date I didnt talk about this fear to anyone accept to my boyfriend as we first came together
At this time i was at the age of 15 and it was the same situation as now : I couldnt look at a female friend because i thought i was aroused by her:(
So i told my friend and he told me that he himself had experiences with guys and it is not unnormal
So I push the thought away and say to myself: whatever your orientation is, you do want to be with this guy and maybe you are bi!
In addition I would like to mention that my parents were against this relationship between my boyfriend and me so we had to hide for long time !!!So why should i get so much trouble with my parents if i did not love him....
Nevertheless, the fear comes and go
since Septemper it is every day there and it makes me really SICK
sometimes I think about suicide and this stuff but its really ridiculous to suicide because of beeing homosexuall
But i really dont want it
So now i will list some symptons of my behavior and I would be so HAPPY if you tell me your opinion:
-Years ago I watched TV especially woman and checked the beating of my heart for hours: beating go fast and I thought yes you are lesbian and cried for hours
-in the pastcouldnt look at my friend had the feeling that she aroused me and panic followed
before her face i checked secretly my pulse
-at the moment have the feeling that any women in the street arouses me
- avoid sitting next to woman
- think whether people are gay even if i know that they arent, but up to day I was not afraid of homosexuals
-I associate my boyfriend to a woman that makes me really sick, especially in bed than i cant spleep with hin
-i push my boyfriend not to cut his mustache to look more like a man
- i try to be girlish in fact i am but i try to be even more
-think ALL the time about it
-cant look my female friends in their eyes
-are really SCREAMED of falling in love with my friends OCD tries to tell me that i am but i know i am not-
-i am afraid of dating guys because i think i am a lesbian
- im a afraid of heterosexual couples because i am jealous
-i avoid same and opposite sex
-i have impulsive lesbian fanatasies that are really not pleasant-havent had that before
-i get freaked when i see my boyfriend naked because i think i have to get aroused now....but i dont

Ok this is a really long article
I would be so thankful if you tell your opinion

I just would like to tell you that the coming out would not be the biggest problem
i told my parents that i have these fear and i even told ma best friends
none believes that i am but it does feel so real
i think it would be disturbing to my parents but they love me so much that they would accept I am sure
and I would not hide my sexuality because of the society
Its ME who have the problem!!!Its me who want to be (excuse me for these ) "normal"

* edit
* reply

Hi FromGermany, Based on
Submitted by Dr. Lane on Mon, 03/14/2011 - 2:20am.

Hi FromGermany,

Based on everything you have described, I am inclined to think you have HOCD rather than being a lesbian. I can't say that for sure, since I don't know you, but that is the impression I get.

As for your boyfriend - you indicated that you doubt if you've ever really loved him, and that you don't get aroused whe you see him naked. Those things can happen in any relationship - feelings change, attraction fizzles, etc. It is not necessariliy happening because you are lesbian. Perhaps it is time to reconsider this relationship if it is not right for you.

Considering the amount of distress this is causing you, I would recommend that you seek treatment for it if you can. Working with a skilled therapist can help you better manage these troubling thoughts.
—

Dr. Lane