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Am i gay?or do i hocd?

Sorry this is going to be long,but i feel like i should write all this to get an accurate answer.please help!!

Im an 19 year old male, my entire life ive been straight. Ive never had a doubt in my mind. Ive had a long term relationship,i was in love with the girl(puppy love). And after that I just messed with girls,either once or for a little while.Right now im talking to a girl who a like a lot.and im going to make her my gf im just waiting to move back closer to her.

My stress started about 2 months ago one night i was at a party with some friends,and during the party one of my friends brought me to the side to tell me that one of the guys at the party had got caught having sex with another gay guy a couple nights before. At first i thought who cares let him do what makes him happy.and let it go.but like 5 minutes later the thought popped back into my head,then the thought of what if you like guys popped in my head.
Since then ive been stressing and afraid of what if im gay.like if i see a man ill ask myself do you think hes cute?does he turn you on?do you want to sleep with him??
Ive also looked at gay porn to see if i liked it.for the most part i dont like it at all.i would look at gay porn then straight porn an i always turn it back to straight or lesbian porn.but what freaks me out sometimes is when i masturbate to the gay porn sometimes i can get erect,but i always want to go back to the staright porn and finish.and when i do finish i still feel straight.also when i think about sleeping with a man i cant see it happening at all.or even being with a man.and i kissed a guy once(did it so two girls would make out)an i hated it.i felt disgusted and very awkward.
also it seems like this stress/fear of if im gay is an on and off sort of thing.there will be times when i dont feel stressed about being gay.i feel "normal" and straight.ill be checking out females.no worries at all.but for the most part im stressing like crazy wondering if im gay.and little things can trigger it or bother me,like if i see a guy with out a shirt or something about homosexualls on tv,ill start stressing.or when im stressing ill find myself checking the way i talk or behave to see if its gay.I know that only girls turn me on.an i can only see myself with a girl an being happy.

also some history,i dont believe thats this is my first OCD or very stressfull phase.i know when im about to have sex sometimes ill get so scared and afraid that im going to "pop"to quick for a girl to enjoy it that i cant keep an erection.but i always knew for sure i wanted to sleep with the girl and wish i could.this fear has also made me pass up offers of sleeping with some girls.(if you can also give me advice or anything about this please do).

but anyways i think the OCD really hit me an stuck about this time last year.one day i took the drug Mushrooms.they had a terrible effect on my body,for some reason they made the entire left side of my body feel numb,and kind of painfull.this numbness feeling literally lasted all day everyday for about 6 months straight.and during this period of time i was very afraid,stressed out,and had anxiety that i was going to die from this..this stress also lasted about the whole six months.
while i was stressing i found myself doing things like not watching shows about death because it made me afraid.or wouldnt watch movies about the end of the world becuz it freaked me out.those 6 months was nearly the worst fear i felt in my life.and for sure the worst stress i had ever felt in my life.and about 3 months ago the numbness went away.but i think that i stress like crazy because of this event.

i am afraid of being gay.not because im a homophobe,to be honest i think everyone should do what makes them happy no judgement.its not even because im scared to come out,my friends and family would still support me.but because i dont want to be a gay guy.its not for me.i dont want to lose my gf because of this.or i dont want to lose being with all the other woman.i can not see myself even being with a man,or even being happy.

but reading everyones experiences and stories gives me relief an a bit of clarity that it is most likely just stress.also not being turned on by men when watching porn or fantasizing helps me realize im probably not gay.but still the thought fear and stress still seems to come back.

so please help me by telling me if im turning gay,or if its HOCD.

also...whats seems to freak

also...whats seems to freak me out the most is how can i be straight but get kind of erect when i masturbate to gay porn?it seems nasty.yet almost every time i watch straight porn i look a gay porn for a second,get grossed out or dont want to watch it and go back to straight porn.and when im done im happy watching the straight porn but im not happy at all or even want to watch the gay porn.plus i dont feel gay afterwards.and whenever i have thougths about being with men there not pleasurable at all.they just bring stress.and fear.an out of any of the guys i know i dont want to be with them.or do anything sexually with them.and this makes me think am i a straight guy stressing over this,or am i turning into a gay guy?an trying to deny it...please help.

I have had the same thoughts,

I have had the same thoughts, my condition started when I was 22 and did drugs. I remember my first year and going to bed and waking up and hoping the thoughts would be gone when I opened my eyes. This was about 20 years ago ans I am now just reaching out to see a therapist and to explore CBT. The fact that you are 19 and have so much more information available to you will give you a good opportunity to find help.

It's important to know that it doesn't go away, but there are ways to deal with it.


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