Another HOCD Topic.

Hey everybody.

I'm sorry for another HOCD Question. Better i'll start from the beginning, i'm Elzio and 19 years old [I don't think i've had ever OCD which scares me even more.]:

It began with a dream of my father dieing - in this dream i attempted to cry but only could so after i tried hard. I woke up like normal but with the question in my head "Am i gay?". I was shocked, felt like petrified and had even once a panic attack in the night - I've never felt anything for guy in a sexual way and still don't. I've always wanted to be with a woman, spend my life with her and have a family but right now it seems more distant than ever. I remember always trying to get close with woman but never could succeed, i was always the one with low-selfesteem and "Mr.nice guy". Always *admired* those guys who were successfull, popular, liked by everyone. At the age of 11 i discovered porn and there started my demise. It began with normal straight/lesbian stuff [I remember times where i didn't even wanted to see the face of the male actor]. I remember fantasizing about woman always, being stunned by their beauty. At the age of 14-15, "normal" stuff got boring and i've got into Transgender porn. It gave me some "kick" but still felt straight since they looked very feminine. This genre did it for me till about 1-2 month ago [my tastes got wierder and wierder, i was almost into every stuff you could imagine.] and some weeks ago gay porn [Yes, i have a porn addiction and masturbation addiction - i'm starting to stay total free from any masturbation or porn forever it just causes me more problems.].That was about 1 week ago before my whole nightmare started. I just could not stop thinking about it "what if i'm actually gay?" and felt like my mind/brain turned against me and i became a whole new person - someone i don't want to be. It's like i have battle with myself. I just want to be my old self again. Also today: While i was outside with a friend i had a urge to kiss him - i don't find him sexy or anything like that [I know him since 8 years and never felt anything like love to him - he's more like a brother to me]. It was just like out of nowhere. I don't want to spend my life with a man and can't see myself loving one, being emotional or other stuff i'm usually with woman. When i've talked with my mother about it she also answered "You're not gay, if you was i would've notice it." but had again this feeling of deep sadness and wanting to cry - but couldn't. The same feeling i had again when today my girlfriend broke up with me, i wasn't sure if i loved her or not since i've never had any connection with my emotions but after she told me today she breaks up with me again this feeling of crying but not being able to. I almost go never out (with friends maybe 1-2 times every 2 months), i'm a shy person, feel very uncertain in social places or interactions with people i don't know, i'm almost always nervous and feel like about 1 year not real emotions anymore - just a little bit of happiness sometimes but i don't remember when i was "truly happy". I feel like i have a deep rooted problem. The anxiety also wore off the last weeks [it started about 6-7 weeks ago] and it feels like im turning gay. I start to feel feminine and losing my masculinity like i'm accepting the thoughts of being gay but still something in me is still fighting. I feel not even driven towards woman anymore,it's driving me insane. I just want to be me again.

Also wanted to add: The first

Also wanted to add: The first week after this dream was the worst. Everytime i looked at men my head would nonstop think "Do i find him attractive?" etc. i was the whole week in my bed felt like i'm sick and couldn't even watch tv anymore because everytime i saw a men it felt like i'm going to collapse.

Hi Elzio, Based on everything

Hi Elzio,

Based on everything you describe, I strongly suspect you have HOCD (that's not an official diagnosis, just to be clear, as I can't diagnose anyone via this website).

A lot of people who develop HOCD have no prior history of OCD, so I encourage you not to let that be an issue. As for your urge to kiss your friend - unwanted urges and impulses are a common symptom with OCD. They are very distressing, but people with OCD rarely actually act on them.

I'm not sure I understand the connection you seem to be making between your inability to cry and HOCD. But, it does sound like there is more going on than just HOCD. You also describe symptoms of social anxiety and depression.

My recommendation is that you set up an appointment with a psychologist or other mental health professional who either specializes in treating OCD, or who at least has a LOT of experience in treating it, as it is a complex and challenging disorder. Therapy - particularly Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) - is the best treatment for this disorder (as well as for other types of anxiety, and also depression), so I recommend you find someone who uses CBT as part of their treatment approach.

One last thing; I am very glad you have stopped watching porn. It is very sad, to me, that young kids (you said you started at 11) have so much access to porn. A steady diet of porn is very damaging to sexual development and relationships, as it creates ridiculously unrealistic expectations and perceptions of what a healthy sexual relationship should be. I encourage you to continue to avoid watching it, as you are right, it will only make things worse.

I hope this helps and hope you are able to get treatment soon!

Dr. Lane

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