Bi OCD or am I truly bisexual?

Sidenote: Thank-you to Dr. Lane and for all others who submit answers! Anything and everything helps and thank you for also taking the time to read this and help me! By the way, I am 15 years old.

Help! HOCD is such a buzzkill, and it's becoming more real and real especially because of the fact I have Bi-OCD.

I've only had one bicurious thought and it was back when I excessively watched lez porn, after that, those thoughts faded; however, I still fantasized but never included myself in them.

After I started checking out women (in a non-sexual way) I worried if I was bi, because I knew I loved boys, I was once super obsessed with them even.

I feel that I'm at my worst. My mind keeps saying I'm bicurious and that I will absolutely regret it if I don't ever try it out, but I know deep down that if I experiement I'll just be putting myself through hell and back. But these compulsions are making me feel like I want to try it, and sometimes they get so outta hand that I have the urge to even be with woman, and then it makes me wonder if I'd be with them emotionally, and to answer: "No, I wouldn't. Nothing against lesbians, I find them adorable, but I see myself primarily with a man. And if I were to see myself with a women it wouldn't be romanticized, rather just a strong friendship." Anyways, I never feel full relief unless I'm not thinking about it, or im able to give myself full reassurance.

I'm absolutely miserable and I don't know what to do. In my worst states, it tells me, "You want to be gay, stop denying it." Or "You won't be happy unless you are with a woman or gay!!" And then I just go absolutely berzerk!!!! I know this is not true, and that being with a man will make me happy and not with a women but I am always questioning it because of these doubts. What can I do to regain my happiness and diminish this strange anxiety caused attraction/desire for women? I still love men, but if this desire goes away I'll know I'm straight for sure and I'll be happy again..



Hi Whatwhat, My apologies for

Hi Whatwhat,

My apologies for not responding sooner.

To be honest, I'm confused by many of the statements in your post, and be aware that my response may cause more doubts (not my intent).

First, you say you have "bi-OCD" (I would include worries about being bisexual or bicurious as part of HOCD, but regardless, it's all a form of OCD). I point that out because you mention intrusive thoughts about being "bicurious" but mostly talk about obsessive thoughts about being gay. So, I'm wondering why you focus on the "bisexual" aspect of this.

Second, I am wondering why you watched lesbian porn "excessively"? I think the answer to that question would give more insight into what is going on in terms of your sexual orientation. (You don't need to answer that for me; rather, I encourage you to think about that and, if you do get into therapy, talk about that with your therapist. I don't provide therapy to readers.)

There's nothing wrong with being "bicurious". What's hard to determine is (especially with the lesbian porn background) is whether or not these are merely intrusive thoughts, or a reflection of a genuine desire and curiosity. I don't know and am not assuming either way.

You say, "if this desire goes away I'll no I'm straight for sure and I'll be happy again". Unfortunately, that's not how it works in many cases - IF you truly have OCD. OCD causes you to doubt, and will cause you to constantly misinterpret things - even the slightest thing - that "might" be "evidence" that you're bisexual or gay. Also, you can't base your happiness on that happening.

This isn't something I can tell you to "do this and this" to make your anxiety go away. It's a process, and in most cases, requires working with a psychologist or other mental health professional who has a LOT of experience in treating OCD symptoms (not all therapists have the skills to effectively treat it). Also, at least with CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy, which is recognized as one of the best types of therapy for OCD and anxiety in general), the goal isn't to be certain that you're straight; rather, one of the main goals is to learn to tolerate the UNcertainty (it's okay to have doubts) and also to learn to manage the obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors so they don't cause so much distress or consume so much time and energy.

So, cognitive behavioral therapy is always my primary recommendation for OCD symptoms. And therapy takes a lot of work; it's not a magic fix. But it can help tremendously.

I hope something I've said is helpful!

Dr. Lane

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