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My mind is sickened, I dont what to do, I love tay so much, HOCD is making me sick, it is trying to force Tay out of my mind....baby I will always love you....you hang in there....I will find solace...., my new coping technique is to channel the sickness, fear and doubts into hatred, HOCD is caused by Homos who are trying to push an agenda on to me through the use of brainwashing and propaganda through government supported and school implemented programs to systematically brainwash. That makes me sick, who control and makes homos, I am more starting to believe it is satan (im atheist, but I think Im starting to think God does exist) who creates these sick products of waste to destroy everything good and perfect, how can they not be products of satan, if they are capable of reaping such destruction on my mind and everything good in my life, how can they not be products of satan if they are able to cause me to think about suicide every f***ing awake hour, how can they not be products of satan if they are able to possess my mind to force these possessing thoughts and drive me to the f***ing edge....I think I might go back to my prescription meds for relief...anti-depresseants and sh*t like that, if I go back...my life will be destroyed...I dont know if I have the strength (or the motivation) to quit this time around and i wouldnt want to go to rehab i dont have the money and it would be embarrassing too, yet the demons have destroyed every happiness in my life, it could have been perfect, me and sarah together....but no, satan has to send his demons after me, why me, they have smashed every bit of hope....they have forced me to that corner again..they want me to go back to my addictions...how hard I worked to quit those prescription meds (another reason I have not considered to get meds to treat hocd, im afraid I will return to that hell again, dealing with addiction)...they want me to take my own life.I have only lived for 18 years, I want to get together with Sarah, but these f*cks want to possess my mind. It feels like I am being possessed by satan and it is satan who are forcing these thoughts on me...I will never accept them....but satan is forcing the poison down my throat...I have my faith in god. The forces of satan, will devestate me, but will never take me alive...I swear. I only live to fight for god and to suffer for god, I will fight the forces of satan, and if I fail in the end, I will be a martyr, it would be a blessing if Satan and his demons tore me apart, ripped my body into pieces and made me a martyr (I have nothing to lose,absolutely nothing, I got no money, I got nobody). I would go to martyrdom and live with god. I will get what I want, Sarah and Tay, God will reward me if I was a martyr, I never bowed to the words of satan, and i would rather not live than to give in to satan, and I remained faithful to god till the end, I will live with them happily in the next-life, I believe in reincarnation, I will re-incarnate a better creature in the next life, a creature not burdened with sickness and addiction, a creature that can be happy, and not have suicide on its mind every single minute, I will miss my parents and grandma, but I know I will see them again....I will again, just not now....I am nothing but a miserable and burdened creature, do not call me weak, because you have not fought physical health problems (heart murmurs, tublercosis, heart valve prolapse, immune system weakness, stomach sores...), mental illness and addictions for almost my whole life, since the second I was born. I have never felt a single drop of joy in my whole life, I have been through the storm, and it wont end, and after 18 years of hanging in there, my life is miserable as it can be, not everybody will understand because they have never been through what I have been, because I have hanged in there for a quite a while now, so I feel it is inappropiate and offensive for people to say, you should get over it and you are weak, and it will get better. I know it might get better, but how much pain do I have to go through for it to get better. I would rather feel like I accomplished something...and leave. I am defiant, I never fell for satan`s demons, and that is something I hope I can be proud of. I want my parents to be proud of me, I never fell for what satan is trying to force into me. I am entering a phase of depression, I am familiar with such phases, it ended last time with addiction to anti-depressents, I dont know how or will it even end this time. I want anger and hatred to take over me, at least those feelings are relieving, I am addicted to hatred and anger, I want those feelings if I cant get solace, if I cant get HOCD out of my mind and if I cant get Tay or Sarah.....than god please bless me with the gift of anger, rage and hatred. I want to go to church, Ive never been to church once in my life (I was athiest before, but not anymore), I now know what Im missing out...I need to get in contact with god, I want him to grant me with one wish, cripple my mind so I can be a lunatic and delerious for the rest of my life, cripple my mind with a disease so bad yet would stop these HOCD (satan`s) thoughts from killing me. Im listening to Tay`s new rap song right now (thug story), tears are flowing down my cheeks, because she is so beautiful and so perfect....and I am so in love with her....she doesnt even know me....I want my old self back...but if I cant get it back...maybe this is god`s ultimate test for me...maybe I will be favoured in god`s eyes, because few has suffered like me, and I will be rewarded the most in martyrdom. Heaven is such an appealing thought right now. Once again, dr.lane, Euthanasia is legal in my state, it is legal after a bill was passed for Physician assited dying or PAD in short, basically, the deed has to be done by the patient while under the guidance of a physician or MD, so it is 100% legal. So there is no legality issues, I know my laws well, I have done so much research on this subject. I just want to feel better and what has to be, has to be.


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