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do i have hocd or am i lesbian?


I am 14 and a girl. I am worried sick that I might be lesbian or bi! It all started when my dad asked me if I was a lesbian and I said no, but felt very anxious when I said no, then I started obsessing over it! I've had this for about 5 months and it is KILLING me:(! For the first couple months I'd check every person I passed to see if I liked them and test different little scenarios in my head to see if I liked them, they made me feel sick and anxious but then my head would tell me that I actualy really liked them. I have liked boys my whole life, and never even thought of girls as more than a friend. But anyways it went away and then one night I slept at my bestfriends house and she said to me let pretend that i'm your boyfriend so we did, and she felt me up and kissed me. I guess I didn't mind it and I don't really remember if I was turned on. All I remember is wanting to stop and have some fun with our other friend who was also at the sleepover, at the time I think it was because I felt really awkward and anxious kissing her but now my 'HOCD' is telling me that it was because I was embarrassed about what my other friend thought. So anyways, when I went home I didn't want to talk to my friend about it at all, I hardly talked to her for about 3 months cus I was really scared to. But this is when the horrible anxiety came back. The past month everything is just out of control. I go through days where I feel totaly straight and normal and just where I love guys, then I go through days of serious anxiety and realy depressed. There are 3 girls who trigger serious anxiety, the one that i kissed, my neighbor, and a girl in my class. Whenever they come near me I have to make an excuse to go somewhere else and it's awful. I can't even let girls touch my feet or sit within a couple centimeters of me. Whenever I feel a happy feeling towards a guy my brain immediatly says that i'm just denying the fact that i'm lesbian or bi. Then sometimes I get a happy feeling towards a girl (or so i think i do) which is immediatly replaced by anxiety,depression, and just needing to get away from everything. Whenever I see lesbians I get very anxious and find it kind of gross, but then my brain tells me that actulaly im really jealous of them. i've had a couple boyfriends, nothing serious though:(! and ever since the HOCD started I get pretty awkward and anxious around guys, even though I never used to. When my sister jokingly calls me gay I also get very anxious. Then whenever I get really happy about liking a guy, my brain tells me yes, but you also like girls, which just gets me super anxious again:'(!There was one night where I completely convinced myself I was bi, and it made me cry my eyes out:(! I told my mom and she said it was just a hormonal thing which would probably pass and even if I was gay she would be fine with it, this made me feel a little better but then i told myself if it;s not hocd then I actualy am gay and it's real, I just need help. I obsess over it 24/7 and without that little kiss with my friend it would be so much easier to tell if it was HOCD or not, because when I think back now my brain tells me I was really turned on by it, bu I really can't remember:'(! I just wanna go back to the normal me, liking guys, and now it feels like I've been hiding the real me my whole life. I used to be the sporty boy crazy girl, and now I feel like some disgusting lesbian:'(!

Please help me:'(

I have HOCD too, but I have

I have HOCD too, but I have learned to take control. I know I am not Dr.Lane but you sound like you have HOCD. I am one year younger than you and I know how you feel.With HOCD, it kind of rewires your past to make you think like you wanted to kiss your friend. It changes memories and it bothers you. With my HOCD, everytime I get thoughts like "shes hot" I don't accept or deny it. You can think a girl is hot but have nothing to do with her.I used to never have those kind of thoughts until one night when the thought just popped in my head. Read the article on this website called "I am Gay and You're Not" by a gay doctor. Be brave and don't let HOCD rule your life. Trust me, you will be fine.

Hi Soscared, I'm inclined to

Hi Soscared,

I'm inclined to think that what you describe can be attributed to symptoms of HOCD; but I really don't have enough information. It sounds like boys have always been the focus of your attraction.

As for your friend (the one you kissed) - avoiding her (and the other two girls) is not going to help. The tricky thing with anxiety is that the more you avoid things that make you anxious, the more you reinforce the anxiety and give it power. It may be helpful for you to talk about that night and let her know how uncomfortable you feel now. Because it happened doesn't mean you are gay or bi - a lot of people experiment.

I also encourage you to talk to your sister about calling you gay. Let her know that it bothers you and you would like her to respect your wishes that she stop.

Ultimately I think you need to talk more to your parents about possibly going to see a mental health professional about the anxiety you are experimenting. If this is causing you significant distress and consuming a lot of your time, then it's not normal and it's not merely hormones. If you have OCD then getting treatment now would be best (rather than waiting several years). The best treatment is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). If you are able to work with a therapist it's very important that he or she is experienced in successfully treating OCD - not all therapists have the skills to treat this complex disorder.

I hope this helps and I hope your parents will be supportive in getting you the help you need.

Dr. Lane


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