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Do I have HOCD?

Dr.Lane, I am so deppressed right now, I cannot express my misery, but yesterday, I had a homo fanatasy, I am so stressed out these days, exams are killing me, I am checking so much that it is killing me. I check every where I go, every man I see, I check, and check and check and check, young or old I would check. I check everything I write, to make sure it is not homo, or the way I worded what I said did not indicate that I was a homo. I saw a homo at our school slap another guy on the butt, anxiety took over, my chest was gonna explode, and I was going to have a heart attack, I had to go to the washroom and I almost threw up and started dry coughing.

I dont why I have to go to the skate park, just to sit there and check and check and check and check and check and I dont feel attracted at all, only anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety, anxiety. before exams started, I had a crush on Taylor swift, I wished she would be with me, I found her so attractive, and I soon I was love-sick and I had OCD over everything she did, I had to look at everything online about her, I felt that I was not her class, I cried in bed, because it was just so horrible, I was so sexually and emotionally in love with her, I wanted to grow up and become rich and find her and hope she falls in love with me or seduce her, and I would live the rest of my life with her, and sleep in the same bed and have beautiful children. And I would protect her and she would always be there for me, and we would go out to eat and just thinking about being with her brought me joy and a certain amount of relief from HOCD. How amazing would that be? she would sit on my lap, and I would feed her chocolates, I would buy anything she wanted, and she would quit her singing career, and I would buy us a huge condo, and we would enjoy life together, what made me depressed was that she was 4 years older than me, and I was afraid she is too old for me or I am too young for her.

However, soon after my attraction for Tay started, my ocd kicked in and told me that I was gay, I shouldnt be fancying Tay and my attraction for her are not real and are just puppy love and not real, that was my recent period of HOCD started, maybe it was becasue it coincides with the stress I am experiencing from exams. I am so desperate, I am so sickened by that fanatsy I had yesterday, I am sitting at the railroad tracks more and more, I dont know why, maybe its because nobody is there and Im just by myself, I feel even more depressed at the railroad tracks, but I dont know why I always want to go. Maybe its because it gives me hope in a wierd way, at least there is a way out. I have never feared death that much, I just fear the physical pain of dieing, I know death is tranquillity, nothing matters after you die,

my grandmother is the only one keeping me from lying on those tracks, I think my grandma might have OCD too, she freaked out that day, when I sat at the rail-tracks too long and didnt come home until 9 pm, and went out to look for me, I am 18, I can take care of myself, but she had these paranoid fears about forests and darkness, we wouold never walk near a forest. I think she has had suicidal thoughts before too, and depression too. she would have OCD over anything, for example medicine, any little thing could set her off to self-medicate. I cannot leave her behind, I dont care about anything, but I cant leave her.

I thought maybe if I was gay, I will become a monk and meditate and live by myself as a hermit for the rest of my life. I have never had an crush on a male, but my HOCD is giving me so much anxiety that I almost believe I do. But hocd is telling me I dont, when I see a girl, the stress kicks in "why dont you like her, why why??, you must be gay then". I love women for as long as I can remember, I even had a crush on a girl in grade 1, her name was Megan, she was really cute in that class photo, I would try communicate with her, but I was way too nervous. And every stage of my life I had crushes, sometimes they are even at the same time, the crushes would turn into obssessions, especiallly when the girl gave me a sign that might show she is attracted to me, sometimes I interpeted these signs wrong and she just want to be friends. But I would be so engulfed in love, that I would not realize that. I have always had a good eye for women who are not the stereotypical type of hot, I would find the diamond in the dirt, the girl that appeals to me and others the most.

My latest crush before Tay, was my buddies girlfriend, she sat in front of me in bio-class and she had beautiful eyes, but my now-strengthened HOCD smothered my attraction for her, and threw in stress and anxiety and questions, so much stupid questions....

A crush Before that was during a school camping trip, she was in my team for the camp activities, I developed strong feelings for her, she hiked with me and talked with me, I even held her hand when we hiking, and during the night scavenger hunt event, she even put her arms around me and hid behind me,when there was a wierd movement in the trees (we were in bear country), I felt so protective of her and so much warmth and happiness...It feels good to revisit those memories, of happier times, of times when my mind is not burdened with sickness. But for some reason, after the camp, I tried to chat with her again, but her eyes went cold, and said very little, I felt so bad, I felt like shit, did I do something that caused her to lose her interest in me?

But when my HOCD (or am in denial??? =( ) developed after I developed a fetish for female hosiery, I tried on a pair of tights, and the thought came to my mind, am I gay because I have this fetish? At first, it was okay, i said no mentally, but the question kept popping in when ever I saw another male, than anxiety would kick in and make me belive that I did. This anxiety made me more and more confused, and especially with that fantasy I had, I am scared more than ever. I know that fanatsy like that happen and alot of people have it despite that they are not homo. But my HOCD has jumped on the boat and start to drive the fact home that I am homo. I am desperate, I have never found men attractive, only anxiety, men are so shallow, they are just there, they blend into the background, just like the trees and birds.

I keep on reading articls about coming out, it scares me, but how can I come out, when I dont like men??? Maybe I should head back to the rail-road tracks or become a monk. I think I am having another panic attack now,I dont want to die, but I dont fear it either. Dr.lane, please dont lecture me on the suicidal thoughts, It doesnt matter, in my state enthusania is legal, and for me, i would rather be with god than live a life of pain and misery. Please help me, sometimes when I am really calm, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, sometimes the tunnel never ends.

Dr.Lane, I cant afford CBT, I am off my parents insurance policy, I dont have the cash for treatment, and such types exposure makes me fear even more, the only type of exposure I do is checking and more checking, it is becoming obssessive. and the more I do it, it calms me down a bit, but when I get a panic attack, even checking doesnt help.

I dont know if I am losing this fight, I think I am, HOCD is becoming stronger and stronger, and I cant stop searching online about OHCD, it brings me a little relief to type stuff in forums, but this is the worst OCD I have ever had. And I am looking for reassurance, I have quit mast***** and quit pornography, those things make it worse and worse and I just cant take the anxiety. I cant take it, I want to find a girlfriend, but my HOCD is making me doubt that I should. HOCD is taking over my mind. It distorts every thought I have, and hit me where I am weakeset and make me fear and obsess and check and fear and obssess and check and fear and obsess and...... Sorry if this is a long post, posting has become a convulsion for me, it gives me a little relief, I dont even know why.. =( its ironic that HOCD is making me doubt that I even have HOCD, that is what scares me the most, my greatest fear.........

call now icon Call Now to Speak with an OCD Treatment Specialist (877) 331-9311

Based on everything you say,

Based on everything you say, it is VERY unlikely that you are gay.

I am very concerned about the types of thoughts you are having - the suicidal ones are very serious (not lecturing here, okay?) as well as the ones in an earlier post in which a voice tells you to pick up a knife and hurt someone else.

I don't know where you live but, if you are in the U.S., there very well may be a mental health clinic that you could go to. Let them know that you don't have insurance but that you are struggling with severe anxiety and having thoughts of ending your life.

You could also go to a nearby hospital emergency room. You will get a bill but you can contact the hospital billing department and see what can be worked out (e.g. set up a payment plan or something). If at any point you think you may act on thoughts of harming yourself or someone else, go to the nearest ER or call the suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255.

Right now the most important thing is that you see someone for an evaluation as soon as possible. Your life is precious and you can get better.

A few things that I encourage you to do (which may help some with the anxiety although they are not going to cure it or make all the thoughts completely go away):

Do 30 or more minutes of some type of aerobic / cardio exercise at least 5 days a week (e.g. brisk walking, jogging, swimming, biking). (It's always best to get your doctor's okay before starting any type of exercise program.)

Do yoga. Yoga can be very effective for reducing anxiety. Look online to see if there is a yoga class in your area. You may find one that is free. Or get a yoga DVD and do that at home by yourself. It may seem silly to you, but many people have found yoga to be helpful if they do it regularly.

Keep a journal. You said earlier that just writing down your thoughts was helpful. Spend time daily writing in your journal.

Keep yourself busy. I don't know if you are in school (although probably on summer break now) or just graduated. Too much idol time will allow your thoughts to run rampant. If you don't have a job perhaps you could start looking for one. If you can find one doing something you think you would enjoy that would be great.

But most of all, find a clinic or an ER or perhaps a therapist who will see you on a sliding scale and get an evaluation as soon as possible. Go to your regular doctor if needed - he or she may be able to prescribe medication at least. If you can't afford ongoing therapy then medication alone is the next best step. It can help reduce your symptoms so you are not constantly distressed. At some point in the future you may be able to get therapy as well.

There are programs in many states that help people who don't have sufficient funds to get treatment. I don't know what is available where you live, but with some research and phone calls (to mental health clinics, for example) you can hopefully find out some options.

Unfortunately, I cannot do evaluations or provide treatment via this message board. Please do everything you can to get an evaluation as soon as possible. Take it one step at a time rather than trying to figure out everything ahead of time, okay?

Dr. Lane

Hi to anyone who can listen

Hi to anyone who can listen before HOCD I was on the top of my game with girls. Then I started wanting to go to second base with my girlfriend so I started watching pronounce I saw porn I wanted to throw up all the time but since I started to hate it I started calling my self gay when I absolutelyknow I'm not because I would never kiss a guy or touch a guy in weird ways. After I saw porn i immediately told my father because I knew that was Something I didn't need to see so we have talks to reduce it but it's not really working I need professional help. This all my life has been my worst nightmare I want to have kids and make father proud but in order to focus I need this gone thanks for listening


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