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Dormant Homosexuality? HOCD? Denial? Thoughts of Suicide.

I am a 22 year old guy who has been suffering for 5 months to the day today with what I think is Hocd. My entire life I have never questioned my sexuality. However, when I was 10-11 i used to fool around with my two best friends and we took it so so far as in blowjobs and i actually stuck my penis in my friends butt one time. The thing is I really believe we did that because we were little kids and it honestly just felt good. But why did we take it so far? That cant be normal. There were never any sexual feelings just friendship, i even remember watching straight porn since I was about 10 and being obsessed with vagina to be forward my entire life. Btw we still keep in touch and the two guys i fooled around with when i was a kid are completely straight. Ive had tons of girlfriends, have always loved and craved sex with them, and have always laughed at the thought that I could ever be a homosexual. Guess who's not laughing anymore. 5 months ago I thought I was being possessed by homosexual demons and was scared shitless. The first 5 months i couldnt even see a gay guy on tv without freaking out. I couldnt hang out with my friends. I longed to feel like one of the guys again. I couldnt even see the word gay without getting anxious. The problem is that now I'm not very anxious anymore and i think im starting to like the gay thoughts. I'm starting to lose the desire to be straight again. Im starting to feel an urge to "come out" and its NOT freaking me out. I can even look at gay porn now and it doesnt completely make me sick. The complete opposite of what i felt for the first AGONIZING 5 months. pure hell. I cant help but think of suicide. I am so scared to go to therapy about this. My feelings towards women have severely dimmed and I literally think about this every second of every day for the past 5 months. I feel like if i just accept the fact that my sexuality changed and if i come out i will be very happy. The thing is i dont really want to be happy, I want to be straight and happy. Im so so so so confused. I feel like I could be happy gay now. I think my ocd is making me believe the past 5 months of me being completely repulsed by homosexuality was just a lie. I want to die. Please help

Hi Trey89, Without knowking

Hi Trey89,

Without knowking you and having a lot more information, I'm inclined to say that you most likely have OCD (more specifically HOCD) and are straight. The one thing you haven't said is that you are attracted to men (which is how you would feel if you were gay).

The obsessive thoughts can really be confusing when it comes to determining what you really believe (e.g. whether or not you're gay and in dential). It's also not uncommon for your attraction to the opposite sex to diminish when there is so much anxiety and confusion.

I strongly encourage you to go to therapy. A therapist is not going to judge you; his or her goal is to help you. I do recommend that you find a therapist who is trained in cognitive behavioral therapy and uses it to treat OCD (and has a lot of experience doing so). Not all therapists have the skills to treat this complex disorder. If, by chance, you are gay (which I highly doubt), a therapist can also help you sort through all the mixed emotions regarding this (but I do not think that is the issue here).

As for the thoughts of suicide - if at any point you feel that you might actually act on those thoughts, I encourage you to talk to a trusted friend or family member; call 911; go to the nearest hospital ER; or call the national suicide hotline at
1-800-273-8255. You can get through this and start feeling better, even though everything feels very bleak right now. Please hang in there and start looking for a therapist who is very experienced in treating OCD. (There are some listed on this site that you can work with online if you are unable to find someone locally.)

I hope this helps.

Dr. Lane

Thanks so much for replying.

Thanks so much for replying. I just dont know what to do. I dont understand how a therapist could get all of these thoughts out of my head and make me better. The first 2 months of this I didnt know what hocd was and completely thought I was gay and the entire time I was looking online EVERYDAY about homosexuals that have been delivered by God. Is that a compulsion? I also hooked up with this girl every other day just to prove to myself, but that made it worse really. Can hocd turn you gay if you just accept the thoughts?

Hi Trey, It's difficult to

Hi Trey,

It's difficult to explain how therapy works, and it is a process that make take several months or more. However, it's not that a therapist "gets the thoughts out of your head"; rather, in cognitive behavioral therapy (the best treatment for OCD) you will learn to identify and change the thought patterns that feed your anxiety and keep you stuck. That's a gross oversimplification, but essentially that's how it works.

As for looking online daily to find stories about homosexuals who've been delivered by God, yes, that is a compulsion. You're most likely doing it in an attempt to alleviate your anxiety about being gay.

As for your question about HOCD "turning you gay if you just accept the thoughts". No, that won't happen. Your sexual orientation doesn't just change - it's part of who you are.

However, accepting the thoughts (in the sense that you stop fighting them) may help reduce the anxiety. You're not accepting that you're gay (because you probably aren't) - rather, accept that the thoughts are going to keep coming but don't really mean anything - they are just thoughts and nothing more (granted, this is much easier said than done); but the more you fight them the more they will persist. Accepting them (in that sense) takes away their power.

I hope you are able to get into therapy at some point, because it can really be helpful. But not just any therapy - find a therapist who is trained in CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) and who has a history of successfully treating OCD. Many therapists lack the skills to treat this complex disorder.

Dr. Lane


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