Dr. Cheryl Lane, Your answers

Dr. Cheryl Lane,

Your answers and tips have definitely contributed a lot to me being more calm nowadays, so thank you very much:)

Doctor, if I may ask, what are the signs that you see in my actions that make you believe that I am not lesbian or bisexual and that I'm actually a straight woman suffering from HOCD?

I've read a lot of coming out stories, and most of them say that even from childhood, they already knew they were gay/lesbian. I've always seen myself as a straight woman, never entertained the idea of dating a woman, but I'm scared that maybe I'm just discovering now that I am gay, but I don't think I'll be happy in the future if I become lesbian because I don't really want to spend the rest of my life w/ a woman.

I think another factor in my HOCD is my constant fear of the future, that I'm just lying to myself and that I will be burdened by this for the rest of my life unless I formally come out and accept that I'm a lesbian, but I don't really think, nor do I
wanna be one :(

Once again, thank you:D

It's based on the things you

It's based on the things you say - that you've never had any desire to date or be with another woman. If you were gay, you would most likely have felt those desires - even though you may have tried to suppress them.

I highly doubt you are going to become a lesbian at some point in the future - it doesn't work that way.

If possible I think it would be helpful for you to work with a therapist who is experienced in treating OCD and / or HOCD. Cognitive behavioral therapy is one of the most effective therapies for this disorder. It will require you to do some work on your part, but a therapist who is truly skilled in this area (and has had success treating OCD) may really be able to help you. Medication in addition to the therapy may also help as well.

Dr. Lane

Dr Lane, I'm worried, so

Dr Lane,
I'm worried, so worried! I have never questioned my sexuality. In fact, I was obsessed about being engaged to my boyfriend of 4 years. Anyway, we got drunk (rare occurrence and I was taking lexapro for OCD/anxiety) and had a threeway with a bisexual friend of mine (girl). I was admittedly curious about girl/girl sex only because porn makes it seem sensual and taboo. I wasnt that curious to want to act on it; I love men, always had relationships with men, and want to marry my bf. I kissed girls (drunk) in college only because it got attention from men. I never questioned it nor would I have done it sober.

Anyway, the experience wasnt "hot" like the movies. I would never do this again and I cried when I saw them together and ended the whole thing. I worry what made me do this in the first place. I'm constantly checking women to make sure I'm not attracted to them, I am analyzing everything, watching lesbian porn to see my responses, googling for hours. I fear turning gay or bi. I fear jeopardizing my relationship with my bf. I feel numb inside and just want to go back to my Hetero life before this. I worry my life before this was a lie. i fear gay or bi references. I worry life wont feel the same again. Does this event define me? Is it hocd? Please help!

Hi Pennerosa, A lot of

Hi Pennerosa,

A lot of couples experiment with threesomes; it doesn't mean either of you are gay or bisexual. And, like you, it's not at all uncommon for one person in the relationship to feel jealous or uncomfortable or upset when they see their partner engaging sexually with another person.

As for what "made you do this" in the first place. Well, I can't say for sure (because I don't know you and have very limited information here), but, based on what you've said, it sounds like alcohol (which impairs your judgement and disinhibits you) and curiosity were the main factors. I don't get any sense from your post that you are a closeted lesbian or even a bisexual (your college experiences aren't that uncommon either, and don't mean you are gay).

So, this doesn't make your life prior to this incident a "lie". And it does NOT define you. I can't say for sure whether or not you have HOCD, but it sounds like a very strong possibility.

As for constantly checking women, watching lesbian porn, and googling for hours - all of those are compulsive behaviors that are not uncommon with OCD, but definitely counterproductive. While the urge to "find answers" is strong, you won't find them by doing any of those things - I guarantee it. Rather, you'll just find more and more things that make you question your sexuality and end up feeling even more anxious and confused.

You mentioned that you are taking Lexapro for OCD (I personally never recommend medication without therapy); but you didn't say if you are or have ever been in therapy for OCD. You are clearly distressed and the anxiety appears to be consuming significant amounts of your time and energy. I strongly recommend that you get into therapy for your OCD - preferably with a psychologist or other mental health professional who is VERY experienced in treating it and who uses Cognitive Behavioral Therapy as part of his/her treatment approach. (CBT is one of the most effective therapies for OCD.)

I hope this helps!

Dr. Lane

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