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Feeling like there's nothing I can do...

I've posted on here before, and you helped me tremendously, I'm on Prozac, I do CBT with my therapist who has diagnosed me with OCD and anxiety, my main issue being HOCD.

I just... I want to be ok with being gay! I personally believe there is nothing wrong with it, but even saying that triggers the anxiety! I wouldn't mind being gay if I actually was, right now I desperately wanna accept it because I don't care anymore, I'd rather be lesbian and happy then have OCD and be miserable, but unfortunately I have OCD... I've had numerous themes and compulsions when I was little, I got OCD from my dad and I was also born with a heart problem, which I've heard makes you prone to these kind of things.

I'm TRYING so hard, I'm trying to accept it, trying to say ''I don't care! Maybe I am, maybe I'm not! Whatever! Nothing will change, my world won't cave in, I'll be alright, my preference romantically is just women! That's all!'' but I just CAN'T accept it. I can't. I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like there's different people in me, the person writing this being the ''real'' me, though.

What approach should I have do you think? Should I go on telling myself I'm straight, but I have OCD and I just have to live with it and a trigger is a trigger and there's nothing I can do, just accept it. Or should I walk around thinking I'm gay? I don't even know anymore, I feel like dying...

Yeah, I am totally opposite

Yeah, I am totally opposite of you, I feel extremely suicidal right now, I have always been romatically attracted to women (opposite sex), but my OCD makes me doubt so f*cking much. I dont even like men, I am still love-sick over a girl at my former high school, I feel like shit. I dont want to be with a man, because I know I will never be happy, but my HOCD is killing me, I get so much doubts, so much doubts...I feel like even if I am with a girl, I still be going through this HOCD sh*t, I feel like I might as well end my life, because no matter what you give me in life, money, fame, etc. I will be tortured by my own my mind. I see life as a pointless period, why does it matter, we will all die in the end. Nothing matters when you are rotting in a grave. Sometimes this is the only thought that keeps me going. I feel like I am dying too, I dont find joy in anything, only pain and more pain and more pain and more pain and more pain. Everyday I wake up, I feel numb, I feel like there is so much pain, I am love-sick over two beautiful girls, yet every f*cking second I get these stupid doubts that I am a homo. The love-sickness pain + HOCD pain = severe depression + suicidal ideation. The two girls I love dont even know I exist, and every second I think I am a damn homo. I am going through therapy, it isnt working. Sometimes I dont even care, I dont think I can last through this for another 50 years, I am only 18, if I have to live 50 years like this, then I might as well terminate my life, because I doubt anything can be worse than what I am going through right now. All my hopes and dreams have been smashed to bits. I am hollow. Nothing feels like it matters. If I had a choice to die, I would blow out my brains with a firearm, I see it as going out as a man. I dont think I am a homo. The torture is so bad.

I did not lecture you on

I did not lecture you on having suicidal thoughts, because I know it will it make the pain worse. My advice, just hang on, hang on to life, it will get better. There is more to live for.

nothing is worse than a combo

nothing is worse than a combo of love-sickness + HOCD pain, when I am not scared of being a homo, I am depressed that the girl I love doesnt find me interesting, then HOCD kicks in, I feel so depressed all the time, there is part of the cycle where I feel better.

Hi Lovelovelove, I'm sorry

Hi Lovelovelove,

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain, but you ARE doing something about it - you are seeing a therapist. The process, however, does take time. I encourage you to not keep telling yourself that "there's nothing I can do", because there is, and you are doing it.

I don't think trying to force yourself to accept that you are gay (if you are not, and it doesn't sound like you are) will work. But I do think you need to talk to your therapist about this to make sure it is being addressed in your treatment. I don't want to give advice that might contradict or interfere in some way with what your therapist is telling you. So, please ask her guidance on this issue (as she knows your history and she knows the direction your treatment is going).

As for saying you "don't care anymore" - obviously you DO care, or you wouldn't be reaching out.

Please also let your therapist know (if you haven't already) that you feel like dying. It is very important that she knows that and can address any suicidal thoughts with you. Your life is precious - OCD is a very challenging disorder, but you are in treatment and should start seeing progress. If you're not, then you MUST tell your therapist your feelings and concerns that nothing is ever going to get better.

I wish I had a magical answer for you to make this all go away, but I don't. But I do encourage you to hang in there and keep working with your therapist. Many people do get better with treatment!

Dr. Lane

Thank you both of you, I'm

Thank you both of you, I'm sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time TheGeneralReborn! :( My main concern right now is that I want to be with men, I only like fantasies when it involves men but what if I ACTUALLY don't want that? Like, it's just something that's ingrained in my brain because it's what society teaches us. I can't even watch movies, cartoon movies even like Beauty and the Beast without being spiked.

But thank you Dr. Lane. I will address this with my therapist. I know it will get better, I've actiually decided to take some time of these forums, just live on normally except knowing I have a disorder called OCD, that's it! Even though it's darn hard :/ I'll just do what feels right, do what I want to do and just be me :)

Lots of love!

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