Feelings are real?

Dr. Lane,

I remember having a same sex experiment when i was little and since then i remember having worries that i was lesbian. Like if i found that singers voice very awesome or something, id be like "wait does that make me lesbian?" Then if i thought it did, id have a very sick feeling in my stomach and my mood would be dampened till i found another thing to distract me. I remember having a couple of these thoughts (3 or 4) through out the 5-6 years since the experimentation. Now i am 15 and im worried again, but now its crazy. It started when i was watching the fosters on ABC, (a story of a family, two women who foster their children) Jude the little boy questioned when he's know if he was gay or not. I remember thinking "haha i remember that phase, its okay every kid goes through it." Then i suddenly started noticing that i noticed another girls like features. Then it went down hill from there. I remember only thinking that a guy would be my husband. Every movie i watched i would pay attention to the guy way more, imagining my life with him. I never considered marrying a women till the fosters come up. Before this HOCD i was a hypochondriac, that went away after 7 months. I found hocd online then i calmed down. I talked to my mom, she didnt think i was lesbian either. I calmed when i realized i liked guys, then if i liked guys i couldn't be lesbian. Then i realized i could be bi, that sent me into almost tears and that horrible feeling in my stomach returned. I remember that i was fine as long as i still felt sick from being lesbian. Then my feelings went numb, and indifferent, this scared me to death! I imagined a life with a women and i didn't get sick or anything, no dislike, i could have sworn that i would like it???? i don't want to like it. But i do remember that i didn't view my life with a women romantically? I also remember that before this happened i believed i was straight. Id have strong desires to kiss guys, and let them hold me. i believe now that ive had hocd before in my life but never severe. My memories of all interactions with a girl are fuzzy now, i do not remember every thinking romantically with one. I haven't had any sexual desire to be with a girl that way. But then yesterday i thought of kissing a girl and i wasn't disgusted and stuff, i felt fine with it, i dont know i thought i liked it? i dont know. I do not want to like it. I know also now my friend that's a guy, when ever he touches me it feels like electricity and exciting, ive never had that with a girl.

Can hocd create false feeling that you would like to be lesbian? or that you like the fantasy?

I do not wish to be lesbian, and the idea scares me to death. I cannot look at a good looking girl without anxiety, and wishing i wasnt there.

Now im also confused because i saw on tv these two girls kissing, and i actually wondered what it was like! Im so confused. I can deal with intrusive thoughts, not feelings. Does hocd create feelings of want, or that you'd like trying that with a girl? Or that u want to be a lesbian? I did not have these feelings before hocd started, that much i know.

Im confused, and just want things to go back to normal. Sorry this is long lol :(

im also scared that i want

im also scared that i want (but i cant tell is the want is fake or not, i have no idea, or if its really want than another feeling) to be intimate with a girl. or that i would find pleasure from it. I do know that i like guys, alot. I just dont know if im bisexual. But i know i do not want to be. its very confusing.

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