Here's a thread I recently posted on a website that was how I was feeling at that time. After I submitted it, I took an "Are you straight?" test and for a brief moment started thinking that maybe I was still straight. Bu I need to know if you have ever heard of anyone with HOCD doubting to this point or if you know actual gay people that have thought this: I think I'm a lesbian after a girl called me one but I've been avoiding it this whole time and passing it off as paranoia from being called one.
I bet that all along I knew this. But I didn't want to know it so I tried to believe that it was just me being paranoid. I bet I'm only scared of acceptance. I don't want to tell my parents... I feel like crying every time I think about telling them. Stupid me always thought that I was straight. I was always really shy and because of it I barely had friends. I had always hoped that There's no going back now, I guess. I guess I was a lesbian this entire time. But I still don't want to face the truth. I was happy all day because I had thought that lesbians felt the same way about girls as I had thought about boys. But later- just a few hours ago- I saw a naked girl inside a movie and I don't think I minded it. Then I started panicking and went up to take a shower. While in the shower, I started crying thinking of being a lesbian and wondering why I could just be normal like everyone else was. Why don't I even get as much as this? I hate myself enough and I always took comfort in knowing that one day I would be out of school and happily married to a man. I wanted children- but now I can't have children because I don't want my kid to grow up being confused with two moms.
I 'realized' that I must be a lesbian when a girl in my class called me one last school year after I called her one. I went up stairs to write this up in my room so parents would see it and so I wouldn't start crying about it. I don't want to be a lesbian and I feel like I could actually stab myself in the hand, whereas earlier on I wasn't thinking of harming myself in any way. I don't want to be a lesbian but now it feels like I'm stuck. I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
All lesbians are noticed as weird from birth and I have always been a weird and socially-awkward person. Homosexulaity OCD is a thing that mainly men get which means that I probably don't have it. Hell, what if I don't even have OCD?
While I was in the shower I started thinking stuff like "Maybe if I get raped or something it will be expect that I turn to towards lesbianism" then I was feeling all shocked and wondering why the hell I just thought that and that that meant I really was just in denial. I want to be normal or I don't want to exist at all. Why should I have a life that I have no will to live? I don't care if people say suicide is selfish anymore because it's more selfish that the people around you expect you to stay around... I don't want to type anymore.
Angeline, The distress you
Angeline,
The distress you are experiencing comes through very clearly in your post. There are several things I want to address.
First, I'm not sure if you are a lesbian or if you have OCD (or more specifically, HOCD). Just because someone called you gay doesn't make you a lesbian. If you have always been attracted to guys and are not attracted to girls, then you are most likely straight. HOCD makes your mind play tricks on you, and can cause you to doubt your sexuality.
You also made some statements that are not accurate. First, both men and women can get HOCD. Second, growing up with same sex parents doesn't automatically confuse a child. Many children grow up with same sex parents and are very well adjusted. Third, all lesbians are not "noticed as weird from birth". That is a myth. There are many straight people who are "weird and socially awkward" - that often has nothing to do with one's sexuality.
The fact that you are considering harming yourself (whether by stabbing your hand or committing suicide) is very serious. I encourage you to talk to someone you can trust about these feelings. Whether or not you are straight or a lesbian does not change the fact that you are a valuable, worthwhile human being who deserves a happy, wonderful life. Right now, everything seems bleak but it doesn't have to stay that way.
Please consider setting up an appointment with a therapist (there are some on this site if needed), or, if you don't have the resources, contact a mental health agency in your area to see if you can get an appointment.
You don't have to live with these awful obsessions and painful feelings. You've reached out here, and I commend you for that. It sounds like you want help, but aren't sure where to turn. Do a search for OCD therapists or mental health agencies in your area. That's a good place to start.
In the meantime, if the thoughts of hurting yourself or killing yourself continue, please do one of the following: call the national suicide hotline at: 800-273-talk; call 911; talk to a trusted friend or family member; talk to someone at a church; or go to the nearest hospital ER.
People want you to stay around because they love you and care about you, and don't want you to end your life prematurely when what you are feeling may be temporary and doesn't need to define your life. It may seem selfish, but I can almost guarantee that that is not where they are coming from.
Dr. Lane