HOCD, Nervous Breakdown, and Anxiety! HOCD or am I really in denial/in the closet! Please help me! Anyone?

Okay, I finally got this in order. I'm hoping someone will respond this time. Hi everyone, I'd like to ask for help on an issue that has been bugging me since early December of 2010. Since then, I've been having so many recurrent doubts about my sexuality/sexual orientation and it's caused me so much anxiety, depression, panic, and worry, even though I shouldn't even be questioning myself to begin with. A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon HOCD and I was convinced this was my problem. Prior to HOCD:
-I was a 16 (now 17) year old heterosexual girl (hopefully I still am) who loves anything and everything about boys
-Personality traits: Can't exactly describe it, so I'm going to say I'm a mix of Hinata Hyuuga and Sakura Haruno from Naruto.
Hinata: shy, introverted, quiet, kind, caring, sweet, polite, gentle, scared, unsure, passive, caring, emotional, sensitive, prone to social anxiety/phobia, prone to extreme paranoia, prone to panic attacks (have panic disorder)
Sakura: girly, feminine, loves pink/purple, stubborn, prone to some OCD (being obsessive compulsive about anything), sometimes comes off as obsessive/posessive/clingy (though I don't mean to), little girl-like demeanor, loves boys, smart, though a little socially awkward.
Those are all my peronality traits basically.
-I was always very shy around boys I liked. I'd blush, tremble, heart beating fast, so many sensations that felt so right.
-Always am turned on or aroused by the opposite sex
-Always wanted to be emotional/romantic/imintanite with the opposite sex
-I would have all kinds of dreams/fantasies (whether sexual, romantic, emotional, intimate, or it being in love) about boys (particular ones I know) and I'd love it
-Has Aspergers (though good w/ emotions and feelings, hence intuitive/perceptive/empathic), social anxiety, paranoia, panic disorder, OCD (Aspies ARE prone to OCD, mainly ROCD and HOCD)
-Never had a boyfriend (so no first kiss or date...or first time) though, though I am in love with my best guy friend. I love him so much.
-Never questioned my sexuality as my heart/soul/subconcsious/conscience knew I always had been straight.
-Never had any emotional/romantic/physical/sexual desire for the same sex. Never even considered it.
-Open-minded and very spirtual, not religious.
-Had nothing against the LGBT community. I was not homophobic and was neutral on the matter.

However, since December of last year, I've been experiencing every possible symptom of full blown HOCD. Here's the a good list of the symptoms with my examples

Recurrent doubts about one's own sexuality
(ex: Self-explainitory, what else can I say?)

-Unwanted or intrusive thoughts about being gay
(ex: Many times my mind would say out of the blue: "What if I'm les/bi in denial/in the closet?" Wheras at the same time, my heart tells me, "You're straight, stop doubting yourself. You love the opposite sex in every way. You're not in denial or in the closet."

-Inability to get rid of unwanted worries or intrusive thoughts about being gay
(Ex: Self-explainatory, I think about it all the time and it's a severe distration for me...)

Seeing a member of the same sex causes anxiety and triggers unwanted thoughts about being gay
(Ex: Seeing any girl, regardless, I guess these intrusive thoughts like "She's hot." when I'm not attracted to her in the slightest. No arousal at all. No desire for emotional or romantic involvement whatsoever)

Avoidance of members of the same sex for fear of unwanted thoughts or anxiety
(Ex: Kinda self-explainitory. During school, I avoided even my best female friends for fear I could become attracted in any way, though I never did feel any kind of attraction more than friendship.)

Thoughts or worries about giving off signals that one may be homosexual
(Ex: I constantly worry that I give off signals that I could be homosexual. I highly doubt anyone thinks that though, but I still fear that. I'm scared I could be in denial or in the closet, though I don't feel either of those things.)

Repeating mundane actions for fear that these actions may have been performed in a "homosexual" way or a way that may signal homosexuality in the person
(Ex: Acting more feminine, such as me being wearing more pink/purple, reading more shoujo manga, reading more romance stories, talking about boys more. Normally, I love all of these things, but now I'm overdoing it to where my friends get annoyed.)

Repeating an action may relieve anxiety, but then the person feels the need to repeat the action (or ritual) again and again to relieve anxiety
(Ex: I do a LOT of checking, such as: taking sexuality/sexual orientation quiz then always getting straight as the result. Looking at both yaoi and yuri. Yaoi = boyxboy, I get turned on by any yaoi. Yuri = girlxgirl, I guess disgusted, nauseas, anxious, and hate looking at it. But I always fear that I will get aroused, but it was anxiety. Seeing yaoi and yuri to any extent clothed or not, these are the results. Look at girls seeing if I get aroused, I never do. Look at boys making sure I'm straight and I feel all positive things. Typical checking. Though I'm always back at square one.)

Anxiety over being gay is in opposition to one's own values and desires
(Ex: I don't want to be les/bi. It's just not in me, my heart can't accept it and doesn't want it. I just want to go back to how I was before HOCD. I could give a rats ass about what society says because people have made fun of me in the past, so I don't really care about society. I'm a social outcast. As far as religion, I'm spirtiual or anti religious, so it doesn't matter to me. My heart just doesn't want to be homo/bisexual.)

One feels that the thoughts are unacceptable and inappropriate
(Ex: Self explanatory)
Homosexual thoughts are repugnant rather than arousing
(Ex: I never got aroused by these intrusive thoughts. I don't like the thoughts: they're conflicting, nauseating, and cause me to spike. They're by far unpleasant for me.)

That's basically it for the symptoms. So please tell me, HOCD or am I in denial/in the closet? Sorry it's so long! I need help! I just want to go back to the life I had before. How do I do so?
P.S: I'm not homophobic, so no issue there. My older sister is Bi and supports the LGBT stuff. No hate there, it's her thing, I'm not judgimg. Another thing, lots of anxiety disorders run in our family, including the ones I have and bipolar, depression, GAD, OCD (mom has it, but thinks it's the typical), schitzophernia (possible? similar genes to bipolar). I have had real OCD symptoms in the past. I obsess and compvulse, maybe due to Aspergers. Idk...please help me! Thank you!

Hey, I have went through the

Hey, I have went through the hell that HOCD puts you through. It seems like you've answered yourself on most of the questions you have. Its Hocd, don't worry. I struggled with it for 5 months and just recently got over it. How? I dont know. It literally just went away. Never had therapy or anything, although I should have. I bought OCD for dummies at the book store and after I read that it answered all of my questions on how to get over it. You have to do what your most afraid to do which is to face your fears. I went 2 months without barely seeing the light of day, had to quit my job, and couldnt even go to school this semester because the anxiety disabled me. What I did was completely took my focus off of it and put it on something else that was productive. Web design and music for me. About a month went by and I started to notice that some days I would forget I had hocd because i was so focused on other things. Some days I would have it all day, and then other days it wouldnt be bad at all. then I started to realize that if i was really gay then I would know I was gay all of the time instead of one day "thinking" i was gay and then the next day knowing I was straight. I faced my fears the worst by accepting the fact I was gay and said it aloud one night while I was in bed. I just said "Trey your gay, but you're going to be ok. This isn't your fault and you cant torture yourself anymore by being in denial." It made my anxiety go away for the night but when I woke up the next morning I was in constant question again. Thats what always spiked me was that "coming out of the closet" relieved your anxiety. After 4 months I finally knew for sure that i had HOCD because it literally took me that long to face the fear. After I knew for sure that I had hocd and was not gay it was almost like i had to face the fact that I was straight again haha because my hocd constantly made me think that I actually wanted to be gay. I just put my attention on something else, did alot of meditation, and finally got better. Dont get me wrong I still have a passing thought sometimes, but thats normal. Now that its gone my attraction for women has came back and it feels so good. It actually came back so strong i had a passing thought that I was too attracted to women and was a creeper and that gave me a ton of anxiety. Then i realized thats my OCD more than likely trying to switch themes. I didnt let it. It will all work out for you, I recommend going to therapy, finding a hobby, have a lot of quiet times for meditating or relaxing and just know that your are not a lesbian. I know you will make it through

Trey, Thank you so much for


Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm sure it will give many others here some hope. Great to hear you are doing much better and the tips you provided for others are excellent!

By the way, it didn't just "go away" - you did a lot of things that made that happen (e.g., facing your fears, changing your focus), so do give yourself some credit!

Dr. Lane

Thanks so much! it feels

Thanks so much! it feels great coming to this site to help others instead of being the one in constant torment for once. I'm still going to go to therapy to see if that can help me more though

Im glad im not the only one

Im glad im not the only one suffering from this. Its a nightmare. Its like I saw a homosexual man walk by and i was like I wonder if he was straight. Then it hit me. What if that could happen to me. I have a wonderful girlfriend and in my heart I know im straight. Its like im at a constant battle in my head but its getting better. Im like tray my mind was doing the same thing. But I been looking at the forums on hocd and that's when I realized i have it. I was openminded and accepting to other people's lifestyle so I know that could be a factor. I was constantly checking if i was attracted to the same sex. But im not. I can only get aroused when im with my girlfriend. When Im with her the ocd is no where to be found but when im by myself i begin to overthink and there it goes again. The anxiety is lessoning but its the thoughts that pop up that be scaring the crap out of me.

Dude, thank you for posting

Dude, thank you for posting that. It's a great story and I think I have to follow the same guidelines. What was it like for the 4 months? What would you say was the first step?

Even though HOCD is

Even though HOCD is tormenting and terrible, it is nice to know that there are other people who are suffering from this.

I am a 21 year old female, college student and I truly believe that I am suffering from HOCD and it's gotten a little better after I found out about this disorder about a month ago. I have always been straight/heterosexual and have always wanted to spend the rest of my life with a man but out of nowhere these thoughts about popped up out of nowhere. I NEVER had a reason to question my heterosexuality. Before this HOCD, I was a normal college student, extremely focused on school, excited and happy to be around friends and family but I feel like these thoughts are just taking over me sometimes.

I keep telling myself that these are just obsessions and that they will go away and that there is no need to get anxious or worked up about it, but the less anxious I get, the more fearful I get because it feels like I'm less bothered by the thoughts. I used to use the high level of anxiety that accompanied these thoughts and doubts as proof that these thoughts are not really me, but now that they are gone I don't know what to think. Is this a regular, normal part of the recovery process??? And also, is it typical for one to lose attraction for the opposite sex while going through HOCD?


Hi Help_please, What you

Hi Help_please,

What you describe is not at all uncommon with HOCD. Many people find themselves in the same catch22 that you described. The anxiety from the obsessive thoughts themselves start to subside, but that creates new anxiety because they think "maybe this means I really am gay because the thoughts don't bother me"! That's the HOCD playing tricks on you, so keep doing what you were already doing - reminding yourself that these thoughts as well are also just irrational obsessions (and that they are not a reflection of reality).

Also, many people with HOCD, like you, have found that their attraction to the opposite sex seems to diminish for a while. Anxiety wreaks havoc with all aspects of your life, so it can certainly affect your libido and sense of attraction, especially with HOCD.

I hope that helps!

Dr. Lane

Thanks Dr. Lane! I appreciate

Thanks Dr. Lane! I appreciate it. I have been to the counseling services on campus twice for sessions, but I feel that talk therapy doesn't really work for OCD, especially a form that's as aggressive as mine. Also, I cannot afford to see a therapist that specializes in this disorder, CBT, or Exposure Therapy, which I know is usually helpful. Do you have any other suggestions? I feel like I am doing much better with resuming my life as usual and becoming more social. The thoughts will continue to pester me more so than scare me. Is there anything other than therapy that you would suggest to help with this HOCD?

Also Dr. Lane, I don't know

Also Dr. Lane, I don't know if this helps but I have had this same problem with HOCD in the past as a freshman in college, and twice in high school but I got over it very quickly! At the time I didn't know that I had OCD, but for some reason the obsessions quickly disappeared. I recovered so well from those HOCD obsessions that I didn't even remember them until I got hit with the HOCD this time. However, before then I had a very, very difficult religious obsession that lasted for about two months and I was able to get over that. It seems like your brain leaves one thing and then tries to get you to obsess about another topic.

I really feel like this time it was triggered by the death of my grandmother in December. I never really felt like I had an appropriate amount of time to grieve her and on top of that I had several graduate school interviews right after the time of her death, so I feel like that probably has a lot to do with the aggressive nature of this HOCD. Nonetheless, I have hope. If I've recovered before, I can do it again.

Ok, just as I thought I was

Ok, just as I thought I was getting over this, I feel worse than I ever have! Can HOCD make you feel like you don't have HOCD; as if all of these thoughts are real and you are just in denial? I can easily look at females and I think "wow, she's really pretty" but now that I have HOCD I just get extremely anxious when see a pretty female whereas before two months ago I BARELY noticed pretty women and when I did it never bothered me. I really just want to go back to my happy heterosexual self but the more that I don't let the thoughts/feelings bother me, the more scared I am that they are real and me just denying it!!! What should I do???

It’s a very positive thing

It’s a very positive thing that you’ve been able to move past the obsessions in the past. However, significant stress (such as losing a loved one) can certainly trigger symptoms of any disorder. So, yes, your grandmother’s death and the stress of grad school interviews may have triggered these recent symptoms.

Yes, HOCD often makes people think they’re in denial about being gay. People with HOCD will also often start feeling anxious again if the obsessive thoughts stop bothering them so much – they then think, well, if those thoughts don’t bother me then I must be gay. It’s a very vicious cycle. Your mind is constantly playing tricks on your causing you to second guess yourself – it sounds like that is what is happening with you now.

It really sounds like you are straight and that the thoughts are symptoms of HOCD. Unfortunately, there isn’t a simple fix. Ideally, you would accept the possibility of being gay and decide it’s okay if you are – by doing that (which, of course, is very scary for someone with HOCD), you take away the power that the obsessive thoughts currently have. The more you resist the thought of being gay, the more you feed the anxiety. Does that make sense?

You can try to do that on your own – accept the possibility of being gay rather than fight it – and in time the anxiety will subside. But most people with OCD aren’t able to just do that on their own. However, it’s very possible that, perhaps intuitively, that is what you’ve done in the past when obsessive thoughts were bothering you.

If the anxiety continues to really bother you, then my best recommendation is therapy – specifically Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (with someone who is very well trained in it and who has used it successfully to treat anxiety disorders).

I hope this helps!

Dr. Lane

Yes, I agree Dr. Lane. I'm

Yes, I agree Dr. Lane. I'm just glad that I can at least accept the fact that the thoughts are there and that they are pretty much untrue and meaningless. It's just a matter of getting myself to stop ruminating about them and just focusing on something that's actually important. I have contacted a the therapist who specializes in CBT because I really want to squash this before I start medical school in the fall because that will be stressful enough. I don't need any added issues. Thank you Dr. Lane!!

I think the most difficult

I think the most difficult part about this whole process is when I tell myself that I am going to accept the fact the thoughts and "feelings" for what the are, it feels like I'm accepting being gay, when I don't want to at all. It just makes me feel like I'm turning into someone I don't want to be. The fact that my attraction for men seems to be diminishing just makes the HOCD feel even more real. I just hope this will all be over soon.

Hi Help_please, I'm really

Hi Help_please,

I'm really glad you have found a therapist who specializes in CBT. If you stick with it, I think you will find it to be very helpful. But you do have to give it some time.

As for your last post. This is very typical with HOCD. When you accept the thoughts and feelings for what they are (irrational, OCD thoughts), it's very tempting to twist that around to mean that you're accepting that you are gay. But you're not. It's not the same thing. But that's the trick HOCD plays on your mind - and something CBT will help you learn to manage.

Many people also report, like you, that there attraction to the opposite sex starts to diminish. Remember, anxiety is very powerful, and when you're constantly questioning your sexuality due to HOCD it is not unusual for this to happen. As hard as it will be, trust that this is part of the disorder.

It will feel counter-intuitive, but the more you can accept (and be okay with) the idea of being gay (which does NOT mean you are gay or make you gay), the more you take away the power of these anxiety-provoking thoughts. The adage "what you resist, persists" is particularly true with OCD.

Fighting the thoughts is like shadowboxing. As long as you "box" your shadow, it will continue to "box" right back. When you stop, it stops. That's a bit overly simplistic, but it's essentially the same idea.

Dr. Lane

I trust you Dr. Lane. I'm

I trust you Dr. Lane. I'm doing my best to keep myself busy and focused on normal things. The thoughts don't even really bother me anymore because I know that I do not wish to act on them and will never act on them. I just have this weird "feeling" in my chest all the time that makes me think it's more than OCD sometimes, but I guess that's just anxiety.

I guess I've just gotten to a

I guess I've just gotten to a point where I don't want to be worked up and bothered by it, but I definitely do not feel like myself, which is the very sad part.

I went to my first therapy

I went to my first therapy session and she suggested that I schedule another session to discuss how to relieve anxiety associate with the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. I honestly don't think this will help. I have just reached a point where I want to give up. I feel that I will never be able to attracted to a man and have a romantic relationship with him at all. I just do not feel any attraction or desire anymore because of these homo thoughts/feelings. I do not desire to have them at all. Not a day goes by, where my brain is not consumed with these thoughts and images. Sometimes, I don't even feel repulsed or disgusted. I don't have the energy to. I try to shrug it off, but sometimes it feel so real, as if I do want this when I know that I don't.

Hi Help_please, I really

Hi Help_please,

I really encourage you to not give up after just one therapy session. Even though you don't think it will help, you won't know until you stick with it for a sufficient amount of time. It is unrealistic to expect everything to be better after just one session - or even a few sessions.

Overcoming your OCD is a process that is going to take time. But isn't the alternative - continuing to be plagued with these obsessive, disturbing thoughts - much worse?

CBT is a very effective form of treatment - if you do the work and stick with it. But it may take several weeks and even several months before you really notice a significant difference.

I hope you have already gone back to the therapist since your post. If not, please do see her again and talk to her about your doubts about therapy being effective. The more open you are with your therapist, the better able she will be to develop a plan of action that will be the most effective for you.

Dr. Lane

I will see her. Money is also

I will see her. Money is also an issue and I'm pretty sure she doesn't work on a sliding fee scale. I didn't want to use my insurance because I did not want my parents to know that I am doing therapy. They don't even know what I'm going through and I am comfortable with that. I will definitely say that over the past month, I have seen an improvement in myself. I am not as mentally impaired. I am able to work efficiently and enjoy spending time with family and friends, yet the continuous doubts occur. Images and thoughts that were always repulsive and undesirable to me now seem "normal" and heterosexual thoughts that were always pleasurable and desirable seem unwanted. Can HOCD really do this???? I am guessing this feeling of "normalcy" as far as the thoughts are concerned are me trying to accept the fact that they are fale, irrational, OCD thoughts that create "feelings" that feel real. In a way, this seems like progress because at times I can allow myself to have an "I don't care" attitude, but there are times like right now where the mental obsessing and rumination are at a high. It's just very scary and overwhelming. I try to tell myself that people of a particular sexual orientation do not obsess about that sexual orientation in a negative way, so this has to be proof that this is all just HOCD and nothing more, but of course relief by reassurance doesn't last for very long with this condition.

My therapist also told me to think of the thoughts as "junk mail" or spam being sent to my inbox that I just happen to have a hard time deleting. Even though she was familiar with OCD, she didn't seem to be very familiar with HOCD in particular.

i know hocd makes your libido

i know hocd makes your libido confused. but once you begin to get over it will the attraction for the opposite sex come back?

Hi Hope, As a general rule,

Hi Hope,

As a general rule, yes. While every individual is different, one of the reasons for a diminished libido during the height of their HOCD is the intense anxiety. Anxiety (and depression, which often accompanies OCD) can really put a damper on your sex drive. But with HOCD, the constant questioning also comes into play.

If you're working with a therapist, then I would definitely discuss this concern - especially as you start making progress with managing the obsessive thoughts. You may find that the attraction begins to come back naturally, but if it's still diminished, then definitely address that with your therapist. This is a key issue for many people, because the lack of attraction often reinforces (in their mind) their fear that they're gay, even though they're not.

I hope this helps!

Dr. Lane

dear Dr. lane. i notice that

dear Dr. lane.
i notice that i am not as stressed about it. i used to not be able to even look at a magazine or watch tv. including shows I've enjoyed watching for so many years before. its like i was always thinking do i thinks shes attractive? and oh god i think i do. but that has gone down a bit.
i guess the thought/fear/doubt is still in the back of my head. can you give me some examples....ideas of how to get rid of the last part of this?
have you heard of a back door spike or something like that? where you are getting over things and you are afraid that it doesn't scare you as much because you are accepting it as truth.?

Hi Hope, It sounds like you

Hi Hope,

It sounds like you are doing much better. However, what you describe (the fear that because you no longer feel so anxious it must mean you are gay or accept it as truth) is not at all uncommon. It's one of the frustrating catch22s of HOCD.

It sounds like this would be something for you to discuss with your therapist (if you are seeing one), because your therapist knows you best. One of the things I would suggest (but please do what your therapist recommends if she has other ideas based on your work together), is to not fight the nagging doubt. That's one of the keys with HOCD.

Anxiety thrives on our desire to fight it. If you can find a way to accept those doubts as normal and meaningless - they are just thoughts - and not all thoughts are accurate or true - then I think they will fade in time. But, it may take a lot of time or a little - everyone is different. I wish I could guarantee that they will completely go away, but I can't. The more you can "let them be", the less power they will have (and yes, I realize this is much easier said than done!).

I hope this helps and glad you are doing better!

Dr. Lane

hello dr. lane. told my

hello dr. lane. told my therapist about the backdoor spike and he said he had no idea what i was talking about. he said he had never head of it and the also said " i am by no means an expert of ocd" do you think i should switch?

Hi Hope, I'm not surprised

Hi Hope,

I'm not surprised that your therapist has never heard the term "back door spike"; to the best of my knowledge, it's not an official clinical term. However, if you explained to him what you meant by it, he should be able to understand that - if not, then that's a bad sign.

I very often recommend to readers here (who are struggling with symptoms of OCD) that, when they look for a therapist, that they try to find someone (if possible) who either specializes in treating OCD or who has a lot of experience in treating the disorder. I realize that can be difficult, especially in smaller cities and towns.

The reason I suggest this is because OCD is a particularly complex and challenging disorder. I've seen situations in which a well-meaning (but inexperienced) therapist does more harm than good when working with someone who has OCD. More often, there is just little progress made because the therapeutic approach is ineffective.

If you have been seeing your therapist for a while, feel comfortable with him, and feel that therapy has been helpful, then ask him what the "game plan" is for treating your OCD. If all you are doing each session is talking, but there's no real direction to the therapy, then I suggest you consider finding a new therapist who has a lot of experience in treating OCD - preferably using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy techniques. CBT is one of the most beneficial types of therapy for OCD, as it focuses on identifying and changing the problematic thought patterns and behaviors that underlie and perpetuate the disorder.

If your therapist is well-versed in CBT, he should be able to apply those principles to your OCD. If he is not using CBT and is inexperienced in treating people with OCD, then I suggest you consider finding a new therapist.

Some therapists want to believe they can successfully treat anything and won't admit when they are in over their head. Others are willing to admit their limitations and make a referral to a different therapist when necessary. A therapist doesn't have to be an expert on a specific disorder to treat it successfully, but they should be knowledgeable regarding the best approach for treating it.

I hope this helps!

Dr. Lane

Hey, ive just looked through

Hey, ive just looked through this but im starting to wonder whether its HOCD or whether im just in the closet... Im a 16 year old male and always been straight where ive had 3 girlfriends this year and liked them all, ive never had any thoughts about this before until this stupid thought came up about a month or two ago. Now i cant get this out my head at first i couldnt watch TV without thinking it or look through a magazine without worrying i might be gay but im at a stage now where i dont have these anxiety spikes anymore so its like i am actually turning gay...

I just dont know ive come along way from the start but i just cant get over this last part of getting these thoughts out of my head its driving me insane! I know i am straight because in my head my mind always says things like your gay but as said above my heart just will not accept me being gay at all! And i definatly dont want to be! i dont have anything against them but it just isnt me. Now i just dont know anymore can anyone help? Is this HOCD or am i just hiding my feelings :/

Also, ive noticed that ive lost all interest in women because of this which is making it feel more real and i keep checking myself around men whether i feel anything and i never do. Now i cant even go out with my friends because i am scared i will end up liking one of them... Its awful... Is this HOCD?

Also, im getting more worried

Also, im getting more worried because i am not worried about it... If anyone can answer this id really appreciate it!

When i think of what homosexual men do i know that it is disgusting i know that for a fact deep down but in my head its like im accepting it and its fine what they do. I have never got erect over anything like that with a man touching me or anything i dont understand how all this could turn someone on. But now my mind is telling me that im finding normal sex disgusting when i know that i dont!

Is this the HOCD talking or am i actually just turning gay? I really dont want to be gay i just want to live a normal life!

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