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HOCD or gay

Hi everyone, did not know know where else to go or what to do, I feel like i am at the end of my rope so i figured i would explain what i am going through and see if you fine people could help.
First let me give you some back ground information, I am a 31 yearold male single virgin. I have been stuggling with homosexual thoughts running through my head since i have been about 12. I have always felt just very confused and worked up about my sexuality. while i feel deep down in my heart that i am straight and want to be with and marry a woman, i have always had these thoughts that i was gay. These thoughts are too the point that when i masterbate i think about muscle or fat guys, but its not in a sexual way, its them always growing bigger, i dont get any pleasure by this and i fill disgusting and gross and empty after, this also causes me to feel like my underwear is dirty and i feel the need to constantly buy new underwear to the point of throwing out all of them so i can have clean undirty one's (i have no problem with wearing underwear more then once or after its been washed, but its just always on my mind. i also find myself looking at youtube and looking at muscle guys or fat guys, i dont know why i do this but i feel compelled to do it, and its not like i get pleasure from it i feel gross and empty. It is so bad i even look at work, which could get me fired. plus i cant concentraight om my work because my mind is just constantly going your gay what are you going to do? when i am around other guys i feel like they think i am gay or when my mind is racing and i cant think of anything else i swear people know
i really want a girlfriend and to have sex with a women and they really do turn me on, but anytime i get anywhere close to asking one out i think what if we fall in love and get married and i really am gay that would tear us apart especially if we have kids. its just would not be fair, plus i am really shy so that does not help.and when i talk on the phone people confuse me for a woman
sometimes i just cant think of anything else but being gay and it just makes me want to scream, and it makes me feel like i am going to have a panic attack. this is ruling my life and i want to stop. i have high blood pressure from all of the worry and stress. i want to live and have control of my life
the stress also really make me itchy so i scatch and sratch untill i am raw.
i have seen i therapist for 3 visits, i did not help at all
sorry this was so long, what do you think hocd or gay, thanks for your help

Hi Adkcamper, I really don't

Hi Adkcamper,

I really don't know if you are gay or not, but it does sound like you have OCD, and have for many years. It is clearly disrupting your life in very serious ways.

You mentioned that you saw a therapist for 3 visits and it didn't help. Therapy is not a quick fix for anything - it is a process and it requires work on your part as well. I would never expect therapy to provide significant benefit after only 3 sessions.

The best type of therapy for OCD is cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). I strongly recommend that you try therapy again with a therapist that is very experienced in treating OCD. You may have to do some research to find one but well worth it when you do.

You may also benefit from medication in addition to the therapy (but have an evaluation with a qualified therapist first). However, I never recommend medication alone to treat OCD (or most other disorders for that matter).

OCD is a very challenging disorder and not something most people can overcome on their own. Therapy won't necessarily cure it, but it will help you gain control over the compulsions and obsessions and, in time, hopefully bring signficant relief so that this does not consume your life.

It sounds like you have a lot of issues with low self-esteem as well, and therapy can also help you with that.

Again, don't just work with any therapist. One who is very experienced in treating OCD using cognitive behavioral therapy is best. You will need to approach it with the mindset that this is going to be a process which may take quite awhile (every person is different in terms of time needed). Your therapy will involve homework and other things that will help you make changes in your life, so you need to be willing to do the work involved.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best.

Dr. Lane

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