HOCD ? Really gay ?

Hello doctor,

First of all I am french so I'm sorry about my eventually wrong english.

I'm a 16 years old male turning on 17 as end of september, and three months ago I had a terrible shock.
I always considered myself as straight, in my early years I began being interested in girls, I always masturbated on them and falled in love with some of them. I never had a long relationship - only flirts, but with love, so much love. I spent hours thinking about her, days waiting for her, months wanting her...I was obsessed by girls, and I never had a doubt about my sexual orientation. That's what I said to an older friend of my parents last year and he told me "You can't be sure", resulting in first thoughts, but of course I am straight.
As of my age, many boys are coming out of the closet like one of my friens who turned bi/gay this year, but it wasn't my problem, they do what they want, I just don't want them to begin to flirt with me, I don't want to get hit from behind, this is disgusting.
But, three months ago, I was scrolling through my Facebook's wall and found a pic of two gay males having sex, and I got an erection...I was shocked to see this scene, and thought about it the whole evening long.
But, the day after that, when waking up, I felt really depressed and a question was turning in my head "Am I gay ?" and my mind told me I am. But I don't want that ! Why won't my mind shut up... It resulted in doubts, I was testing myself, proving that I'm not gay...everyday I did that, one day I looked at gay porn, and I tried to masturbate myself on it but I can't, I was feeling so bad about knowing myself with a man. Kissing a man is disgusting, I hate that hair everywhere, and thinking about having a relationship with them makes me feel very bad. But is it because I'm not gay or because I'm in the closet ? I must agree that I always loved looking at anal straight sex, but doing it with a men is not especially disgusting, but more making me feel bad. I just really don't want that. I don't want to have a boyfriend, argh, I want a girlfriend, a hot girl. I tested myself everyday, the whole day...I looked at men in my lifé but just on the way "wow, I want to be like him" and not "nice, I want to have sex with him". I always only looked at girls, their beautiful faces their nice asses...but, what if I fall in love with a man ? That's impossible...I feel so bad about myself...I don't know who I am anymore...
Sometimes I'm going right, sometimes I feel really depressed. I try to do other things, not thinking about it. When I see a guy, I feel very bad, but my mind says me "is he hot ?" And I can't stand looking at people. When I see a hot girl, naturally, I love it, but since I have this problem, I noticed a lack of arouse. I don't want to find a man hot, I want to have a women, children, a romantic wife... Coming out of the closet doesn't make me feel bad, but it's more the fact to accept myself as gay. This is so not me, this is another person, I'm not myself anymore... I can't stand longer on that way, I want to be like before, looking at girls, loving girls, and not having fear for social contact.
Notice that I speaked about it with my parents, and they tell me my thoughts are ridiculous (what I also feel), that I am clearly not gay, to think about other things...they don't want me to take medicaments.
I want to be a commercial pilot later and I don't want to ruin my life with this thoughts. It is here for three months now, and I won't let it for one month more. I know that I am straight, but I don't know why this question, this feeling isn't leaving me. I can't stand longer.

Thank you very much for answering,

Hi Toque, Please accept my

Hi Toque,

Please accept my sincere apologies for not responding sooner!

First, just because you were aroused by a picture of two males having sex does NOT mean you are gay (or even bisexual). Lots of straight people are aroused by different types of sexual images - including homoerotic ones.

Second, it sounds like you've begun obsessing about your sexual orientation, and engaging in compulsive behaviors to "check" and "test" yourself. I strongly suspect you have HOCD (HOCD is a form of OCD, not a separate disorder). So, that is most likely the reason "this question, this feeling" isn't leaving you.

That's how OCD works - your brain gets very, very stuck on something, and no matter how hard you try, it just won't go away. Ironically, the harder you try, the more persistent (and distressing) it becomes.

As for medication - while medication can help, I don't recommend it as the primary treatment for OCD or other forms of anxiety. Therapy - with a psychologist or other mental health professional who, preferably, specializes in treating OCD, is the best form of treatment. (I don't recommend working with any therapist who doesn't have a LOT of experience in treating OCD, because they may end up making things worse.)

If this continues bothering you, talk to your parents about having an evaluation with an OCD specialist if there's one in your area. Treatment can help you learn how to manage these distressing thoughts and feelings.

I hope that helps!

Dr. Lane

Thank you very much Dr. Lane

Thank you very much Dr. Lane ;

It is going better with me the last times as I have less homosexual thoughts for almost a few days, but it's not over. Nearly four months now I'm suffering of that terrible HOCD and I'm really sure I'll get rid of it one day. It also looks like I'm feeling more and more attraction and love for a girl at the moment, and my arouse for them seems to be back.

However - as I wrote it above - it's not over. When I see a nice-looking guy I feel a feeling that I can't explain, anyway, it makes me feel bad as it reminds me of everything related to my HOCD.
Sometimes I'm thinking of things in my life which may have made me "possibly gay", but I still reminding me it is HOCD.

I have some questions,
- You're saying that straight people are aroused of gay porn/masturbating (as of my "gay masturbating checks", it is way more difficult to get aroused by masturbating), so would that mean that everybody is "bi" as Freud said ? What is doing that people decline a "gay sex" adventure ? Because it's "again the society rules" ?
- At the time, unwanted thoughts slowly become less shocking and stressing, but still disgusting me. Is it common/normal for a HOCD patient ?
- I used to read that "you can't totally cure OCD", does it means you can't cure HOCD or does it means that a new OCD would appear instead of my current HOCD ?

Thank you very much, again, for answering,
If things are getting worse, I'll talk to my parents about therapy.


Hi Toque, I'll do my best to

Hi Toque,

I'll do my best to respond to your questions:

- You're saying that straight people are aroused of gay porn/masturbating"

No, that's not what I said. I said that many straight people are aroused by different things, INCLUDING homoerotic images (I didn't say anything about masturbating to them, nor did I say or imply that this specific thing applies to ALL or MOST straight individuals - everyone's different.) Also, being aroused by something is NOT necessarily the same as desiring it.

"so would that mean that everybody is "bi" as Freud said?"

Absolutely not. While Freud was brilliant in many ways and contributed a lot to the fields of psychology and psychiatry, there's a big difference between "theory" and "fact". That was his "theory", and I suspect most mental health professionals today do not agree with that statement.

"What is doing that people decline a "gay sex" adventure?"

I'm not sure what you're asking here, but I suspect you're asking that because you ASSUME Freud was right. People decline gay sex for many different reasons, with the most common one being because they're straight, have no interest in it, and aren't attracted to the same sex. Others (who do have some or a lot of interest) may decline it due to religious reasons, societal pressures, or fear (often of anyone finding out they're gay or bisexual). (That's an impossible question to answer because there are so many possible reasons, and every person is different.)

"At the time, unwanted thoughts slowly become less shocking and stressing, but still disgusting me. Is it common/normal for a HOCD patient?"

Yes. Many people experience this because they begin to become "desensitized" to the thoughts. It does NOT mean you are gay / bisexual or that you enjoy the thoughts.

"I used to read that "you can't totally cure OCD", does it means you can't cure HOCD or does it means that a new OCD would appear instead of my current HOCD?"

I generally avoid the word "cure" when it comes to any mental health condition. I think "overcome" is a better term. So, is it possible to overcome OCD? Yes. But, it can be a lifelong disorder and many people don't completely overcome it even with treatment. Again, it depends on several factors, including the severity of the disorder, the type of treatment received (not all treatment is effective), how well they stuck with treatment, and other factors.

I'm glad you're doing better and hope that continues. I do strongly recommend that you STOP reading stories and other things about HOCD, Freud's theories about homosexuality, or people coming out - there's so much misinformation out there (as well as many things that can be EASILY misinterpreted (largely because HOCD distorts everything). I know you want answers and reassurance (which is often compulsive in and of itself), but it will make you feel worse, not better, overall.

I hope this helps. Take it one day at a time, and focus your attention onto other things when you feel the urge to check or get online looking for reassurance. None of this is easy, but the fact that you're doing better is very positive!

Dr. Lane

Hello Dr Lane, You may

Hello Dr Lane,

You may remember me, you may not remember me.
I'm 17 right now and a bit older and also sensationally came over HOCD.

I just followed your instructions and got over it. So I decided to not return here anymore to not get it again. But the feeling of missing something was constantly hanging on me : I will thank you, so much. What you did here really made an end to the most horrible and unstable times of my life. I really don't know, don't know how to thank you for that. I came over it during summer 2014 (European time). However, I'm still struggling with self trust but it is going better by the day and I'm soon to find my whole back again.

Really, thank you, thank you SO MUCH. You can't understand how free I'm feeling now.

Note to the HOCD sufferers from now, don't give it up, you'll come over it. I did it without treatments, you can do it with, but stay strong, and really, never give up and lusten to those fabulous tips given here by Dr. Lane. It's really worth it, it works perfectly.

Once again, thank you. An enormous thanks for making an end to months and months being depressive.


Hi Toque, Thank you so much

Hi Toque,

Thank you so much for the update, and for your very kind words. I am so happy to hear that you are doing well, and I'm glad that some of the things I said were helpful to you. Your response means a lot!

Thank you again for taking the time to come back here and post!

Dr. Lane

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