Hocd - These thoughts make me believe that's what I want

Hello, Dr. Lane.
I'm panicking right now... I don't know what to do anymore. I'm 19 years old, I'm a girl and I love boys. I love it when they're smiling and I think they're hot.I have these romantic feelings towards them and I wish to have a boyfriend someday. feel comfortable and good when thinking about having sex with a guy. I I never had a crush on girls, only boys and I was so nervous when I saw a boy I was in love with and I got an intense feeling that made my hands wet and my heart beating faster. At first I've to tell you something. Since I can remember I have those obsessive thoughts. It started with "normal" things that couldn't bother me much... like Oh shit I'm going to be jobless someday... But now it took over to be HOCD (I hope it is...). I questioned myself if I could be with a girl. And before all this was becoming such a big problem, I could answer the question with "NO! Never, because I could never see myself having sex with a woman or be with one in a romantic way; it's gross" It just don't fits my believes and what I want. But then it has become a bigger problem. I started to doubt and after I finished my Abitur it all got so worse... I was so exhausted and my brain hit me with this thought again and again and again... And NOW I'm just feeling like sex with women would be more interesting than with men. I started to practise (looked at pictures of "hot" women and I felt nervous and I shivered because of fear (I guess) and when it's worse I suddenly become a feeling like "longing" (when I practised and watched a women pulling off her clothes and then it was like: "Oh it would be great to have sex with her" and my mind says: "don't repress these feelings, you actually like it and you want to see more...") but in this moment there's something inside me. And it says "No, I actually and REALLY don't want it and can't imagine it". but then I have to practise on and the more I do, the more I want to look... And it feels like I'm really wanting to do something with this woman and that it would feel great and so on. But I'm suffering. It's important to say, that this thoughts and feelings only come up, when a women has clothes on. When I see a naked women, I'm disgusted, and I say: "NO, I could never"... (that should be enough proof for me to say I'm straight) but my mind keeps telling me I want women more than men, that women are sexier than men and it's more thrilling and that's making me cry and believe it and become urges to act out... But I dont want... My Question is:
- Can Hocd create a feeling that feels like real longing or wanting (it's complicated because it only feels like i want it when I see a good-looking or hot women stripping or something like that shit....Or I become this feeling only when I read: girl stripping, as I have to look and find a proof) When I see boobs I'm turned off.. Isn't this ironic?
- And why don't I have this feeling with men? Because: When I practised by watching men, then I only felt comfortable and thought: "He's really hot, of course I could imagine something" but it's not this "dirty feeling", I guess...
But I want it badly with men...
-Can Hocd make me believe that I repress it, and would enjoy these fantasies with women?
I couldn't ever do this in reality, but in that moment I practise I actually think it's exciting or great... It's like my mind has taken control over me in that moment and creating those feelings of "Ohh it's exciting, I wish I could..."and so on Bahh..! The worst part was that my mind bothered me so much I had to give in and masturbate to the thought and repeating "Oh I wish I would be that guy doing things to her..." It was the most terrible though I ever had and in that moment I felt terrible and I lost the control. These feelings and thoughts become worse the more I think and watch...
Please help me

I forgot to add, that it

I forgot to add, that it feels like real arousal and that my heart's beating faster, but I feel that I really don't like it or want it

Hi, I am so sorry you are


I am so sorry you are feeling so much distress regarding this. I suspect you are suffering from symptoms of HOCD (that's not an official diagnosis, as I'm not in a position to evaluate and diagnose you). Based on what you describe, it sounds like you are a straight female who has developed some very troubling obsessive thoughts. And, in response, you have begun to engage in compulsive behaviors (e.g. masturbating while you repeat certain phrases, and "practicing" by looking at photos).

To answer your questions towards the end of your post, yes, HOCD can cause those types of urges and play tricks on your mind. Many people who suffer from HOCD have described similar experiences, and like you, find them very confusing and distressing.

As for your last statement about "real arousal" - there's a lot of overlap between arousal and anxiety - sweaty palms, racing heart, butterflies. However, the primary difference is that with genuine arousal, there's usually a pleasurable, exciting aspect to it, and with HOCD anxiety, it's distressing and not truly pleasurable at all. I hope that makes sense.

If this is causing significant anxiety and consuming a lot of your time, I recommend that you have an evaluation by a mental health professional - preferably someone who either specializes in treating OCD or who at least has a lot of experience treating it. Cognitive behavioral therapy is one of the best treatments for anxiety disorders, including OCD. This type of therapy helps you learn to manage and, in some cases, eventually overcome these obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors.

I hope this helps!

Dr. Lane

Thank you very much for your

Thank you very much for your answer :-) This helps a lot. I recognised that these thoughts are like impulses triggered when I see a good looking women and it's suddenly like BAM here it is... It's just so horrible because my mind tells me that when I compare men and women it says that men aren't so interesting and I even have to force myself to think of men (I want it, but my mind holds me back) I'd like to think or fantasize about men but I can't because it says: women are more interesting and my thoughts are fading and it's like my mind forces me to think somehting perverse about women although I don't want it and suddenly there are some strange feelings like wanting and in this moment I'm like: oh no please not... please go away... and then I want to think about men and it's like my mind gives me the feeling that men aren't as interesting but I say: sure.. and when I look at pictures it says the same, it's always like my thoughts are distracted ... it feels terrible because I want to look at men and think something good about or to think more easily about it and not have to force myself... My mind controls me... But it's gotten better :-)

Sorry that I'm posting

Sorry that I'm posting again, but I have to get something off my mind. I told you about the most terrible thought in the last post... I wanted to know how I feel when I look at a good looking women. She wore provocative lingerie and slept with a men and my brain focused on her, and it said: "it would be great or the best to sleep with her because she looks sexy and come on give up!, give it a try."" I hate those thoughts so much and in that moment I responded: No, I don't want. But then it said that again and again and the impulses became stronger so that I had to give up and I said: okay I want to find out if thats me or my mind and suddenly I was convinced and felt like it would be great. I didn't imagine something but just looked at her repeating the phrase Oh how great it would be... blablabla and the phrase (that I posted above) and those impulses are so strong that I have to masturbate, not because I'm really turned on, I masturbate as well when I'm highly stressed and it felt like a terrible relieve (that was telling me that I repress it) and I lost control and I got nervous. Therefore my question is:
- Is it possible that my mind is trying to convince me and the more I doubt and try to find an answer and say: okay, then I let it flow and look what happen, the more I feel like I repress it?
- How do I know if i repress those feelings... because somethimes it feels like it and my mind says it to me... Or is it only the hocd thought that tries to convince me and make me feel like I'm in denial? Because afterwards when the thoughts are gone I ask myself: That's disgusting, why did I feel this way before?

I'm not quite sure I followed

I'm not quite sure I followed what you are describing, but HOCD does essentially cause your mind to play all sorts of tricks on you. Impulses and urges are very common.

Again, I do think you would benefit from working with a therapist regarding these issues. Cognitive behavioral therapy is considered one of the best types of treatment for OCD symptoms and anxiety disorders in general. A skilled therapist will help you learn to manage these thoughts so that they don't continue to consume you or constantly make you feel anxious.

Dr. Lane

Hello doctor Lane, I went to

Hello doctor Lane, I went to see a therapist but she hasn't had a similiar case before and doesn't know a thing about hocd and how to handle this illness. Therefore, I just wanted to ask you and tell you how I feel and what my thoughts are made up and I would be so thankful if you would take a few minutes to read and tell me if this could be possibly hocd or anything else:

Everytime I see an attractive women, feelings and thoughts are coming up immediately like a flash. It's really ridiculous because the women's face could be really ugly but everytime I could see a part of breast or if she would take off her clothes (something sexual or sexy scenes), or just a women in swimsuit, my mind focuses and says: „I wanna be the men or that is hot or sexy.“ AND I really feel that this is exciting or I'm getting excited (unwanted). But could this really be me? Because it's with every women I see just because I see something sexual. Could this be the situation in my brain associated with something sexual? And that it has nothing to do with the women only my brain tricking me and making me feel anxious? How do I know that I'm not repressing feelings and what are reasons for homo or bisexual people to repress? In my case it has nothing to do with religion, family or something else. I just don't want those feelings and don't want women. The most terrible feeling is that when I test myself and imagine to shower with a girl. There is a kind of unwanted sensation or that it would be so great. I hate it. I'm becoming those feelings even when i am listening songs and a men sings about a women. Then my mind forces me to think that the women is surely hotand so on. I have to imagine something and in the moment I get those positive feelings (that i could do something sexual or that it would be thrilling) I feel terrible and block and hate it. I feel ackward with those feelings. I guess they're only coming up because I test myself and the more I test the more I could do those things and my brain tries to trick me and highten the fear. It feels like I'm in a fog and I'm not myself anymore. I don't want those sexual urges or feelings. They're not normal. I think it's normal to find someone cute. I think a lot of guys are really cute and I say: „Oh he's looking sweet or handsome. Maybe we can talk or meet.“ And after a girl and a guy meets the sexual feelings are coming up when they're together and realise that the like each other. In my case the sexual feelings are coming up without any control the whole day. When I'm forced to imagine sth, when I see a women in dessous in an advert or if a women is pretty and is wearing a top. The feelings are even there when playing „sims“.This is a game for the computer and the women are showering (not nude, with pixles and those womens are looking like dolls). This is really ridiculous and in those moments I realise for a short while how crazy and stupid my brain is. Or could this be normal that a women is attracted to every single men only because she can see his body or parts of the body? I guess not. I can't even watch tv anymore because i get urges and the thought: „Oh it would be soo hot or good if I could touch or anything“ with NEARLY EVERY WOMEN looking good or sexy. And I feel nervous and the feelings are becoming stronger and stronger.
My therapist said that I shouldn't repress feelings and asked me what I would do when there is a perfect homo or bisexual women loving me. And I didn't know but I felt that i was anxious and also said in my head: Oh my god, i guess I would do something. It would be interesting. But in reality I wouldn't.
And afterwards (after I got the feeling) I feel terrible or show an irritated expression. Those feelings feel alien and not me. But there are also days I AM ME and those days are like a realisation that I cant be gay (and I feel sooooo good; I feel so good when I'm thinking of men and being able to love men and being together with a hot guy... Those feelings are so pleasing and enjoyable!) Like I'm finally awake and can see things clearly. But I also have to admit that sometimes I guess that I'm forcing myself to imagine something sexual with guys... Only in moments when I feel something „sexual“ when seeing a women on tv and then I see a guy and want to have those feelings as well. But like I said before I think that it's normal to say someone is cute and not: „Oh yes this guy and this guy and over there! This guy as well! I wanna have sex with all of them! Only because they pull of their clothes“... This can't be normal. When the feeling shows up I automatically block and feel repulsed or anxious but it also feels like a temptaion or desire or lust... Those feelings force me to give up and let the feeling be, they even lead me to be aroused... and to masturbate but they leave me with panic and „Oh my godness, stop it, please thought go away!“ The feeling itself feels „thrilling“ or „good“ but also not right. Could this be the disorder creating feelings? How can I realise what I really feel and when it's the illness taken control over me?

The thought of being romantic with a women is alien and the feeling are urging and the opposite of the feelings for men (my heart responds while thinking about men, it's pleasing and not horrible).

While a women is sexy (in Tv) it feels like curiousity and being forced to look. That's super annoying while talking with someone and I can't concentrate because my mind focuses... It's like my thoughts are circualting and I reject the feelings because it causes me pain just in the moment I feel that I could desire something. The thoughts and feelings are every day and everytime same or similar.

Do i have to become the same feelings with men when they're stripping or when I see a sexy men? In other words: Is it normal for a women to feel sexual desire when she sees good looking guys on TV?

How do I know that I reject the feelings? Does it sound to you like a homo or bisexual person rejecting her feelings? But what reason could there be? I do not know a reason. I'm not a homophobic person.
I'm angry that I can't feel the same with men and that there are feelings I don't want.
I feel like i'm stuck and don't know whether I think that some women are really sexy or that it's my brain...
Sometimes when I say: „Okay, then let the feeling be there !“ I feel like it's releasing but as well terrible. And it seems that it's easier to think something pervers about women than about men (though I want to think about men, but I can't). I can even feel jealous when a women (I never seen before!) in TV says: I'm married or i have a boyfriend. This is crazy! Because how could I be jealous when a women I never seen before has a boyfriend? That's irritating me.
I wish I had a boyfriend. One last thing to mention and it's also crazy. I have a few good friends (female friends) and I am absolutely sure that I don't want to be with them (in a romantic way or sexual) and even there my mind forces me to imagine touching their breasts or kissing them! And then I GET A FEELING THAT I COULD BE SO HAPPY TO HAVE A „PERMISSION“ TO FINALLY touch their breasts. This is soooo stupid. While I'm testing the feelings described above are coming up as well, though I'm very sure that I don't want to be with them, and afterwards I'm feeling terrible that I felt that way again. This is not normal and therefore:

What should I do to handle those feelings and reduce them or reduce my reaction to those feelings?
Does it sound like I'm secretly gay and repressing feelings? Maybe I'm trained to react negatively towards sexual thoughts with women?
Do you know what I mean? That I could be bisexual but don't want it and force me to think that something intimate would be repulsive?

Because when I think about being really intimate then I feel repulsed.

First, I'm glad you went to a

First, I'm glad you went to a therapist, although I am confused: Is the therapist truly unable to help you (i.e., did she say that she isn't competent to treat you), or are you assuming she is incompetent? Anyone who has the skills and knowledge to treat OCD effectively (and not all therapist do, as it is a very challenging disorder that requires some expertise to treat), can treat HOCD. HOCD is just one form of OCD - the treatment is essentially the same regardless of the focus of the obsessions.

You stated: "I just don't want those feelings and don't want women." I think if you were truly gay, you'd be saying something different. Could you be repressing your true sexual orientation? Well, it is possible, but I don't think that is the case. But I absolutely think you need to continue working with a therapist (if not this one, then someone else) to sort through all of this. I cannot provide therapy via this website.

You mentioned that "my mind forces me to imagine touching their breasts or kissing them!" - Unwanted urges to do something is a common part of OCD, so that may be what you are experiencing.

As for feeling "jealous" that a woman on TV says she is married or has a boyfriend - I think what you really mean is that you are envious - and that is perfectly normal for someone who longs to be in a relationship but isn't. So, I wouldn't read too much into that (I know, easier said than done!).

I think if you were truly gay, you wouldn't find these thoughts to be horrible or repulsive. It's normal with HOCD for thoughts that say things like "Come on, you know you want it", etc. But, that doesn't mean you really do.

Again, I think you need to work with a therapist who knows how to treat OCD (and I recommend finding one who uses CBT - cognitive behavioral therapy). If this therapist has no experience treating OCD, then I do suggest you find one who does. You may have to do some searching and interview a few therapists - you might also look into finding a therapist online with whom you can work via phone or Skype. I think face to face is best, but I also think it's important to find someone who knows what they are doing.

Dr. Lane

Can you also tell me why it

Can you also tell me why it feels like i am getting aroused or get a feeling like its sexy or a sexual desire? like i could dp sth. even though i dont want and feel awful with that? sometimes it feels like the feeling is getting stronger and stronger (by watching tv and a sexy scene appears) and that i cant resist but i am feeling terrible and dont want.. is this repressing feelings automatically? when i looked at sexy women to test myself there are feelings as well. like its sexy but in the moment i feel i block because i dont wanna feel that way. i look at them and when i see a short pant for example it feels like i could find that hot but feel horrible.
For example: There is a story about two women loving each other, and it's like I feel excited or aroused only when I'm reading. And when Im imagining that I would be the women I get a feeling that I couldn't resist in her position or would allow it, but theres sth. inside me saying no, dont want. And everytime I see a women (even really ugly women) with a sexy body I feel like Im getting excited or aroused but unwanted and feel terrible and feel pain. what could this be? the feelings i get by thinking of guys are good and pleasing. i get feelings of wanting to sleep with a guy and it feels good. im contrary to the feelings i get by thinking of women (unwanted arousal or excitement.... it hurts)

Thank you for your reply

Thank you for your reply :-)She said that she knows what ocd is, but she hasn't had such a case before; therefore she doesn't know how to help me and said that I just don't have to repress feelings... She stated that it would be the best to go into a hospital where I should stay for a month or so. I'm now going to find another therapist who has more knowledge about hocd. The following question just interests me: Why do you think it is possible that i could repress feelings? People who repress feelings have a reason or? I do not have a specific reason for repressing. I just feel really uncomfortable having those feelings sometimes I see an attractive women (in swimsuit for example or a women stripping) and getting those urges that it would be the greatest or most exciting. But I o not have a reason like repressing for religion or family. That's not the case. And I thought most homo oder bisexuals repress because of their family or so. Is it normal not to become similiar feelings when I look at an attractive men. There are urges but not so strong (but they're feeling good by looking at men). Sometimes I do not feel anything (when a men is stripping for example). But I recognise his face and if he's good looking or cute.
I thought that all of us are responding when someone is good looking or sexy (no matter who they are and which gender they prefer). That it's normal for a women to react when another women is sexy (not a sexual wish but just to think: wow, this is sexy and so on). I suppose a part of your text you have written has not been send, i can read >you mentioned the...< and the end of your text isnt there. what did you want to say? :-)

I understand what you're

I understand what you're coming from. I do have the same problem. Just accept the possibilities that you might be lesbian or bisexual even thought in your heart you only attracted to men. I did accept the possibilities (I might be a lesbian, but who cares) because I know in my heart I was straight. I feel less anxious than before. Don't browse about HOCD or see other forum about HOCD. No one know inside you except you. The uncomfortable I have when I see girls' body is not the attraction but rather the envy of desire to have their bodies. Start appreciate more about yourself, do search for a therapist that specialize not only OCD but other form of OCD. But meanwhile, distraction yourself by exercising and mediating, and put your focus on other things. Recovery is a long process. Do try to expose yourself to the fears, I did when I was calm and I didn't feel any arousal or attraction but rather call her pretty girl nothing more. I am in the right track of recovering. I hope you overcome this illness.

Hello LolaRae, thank you for

Hello LolaRae, thank you for your kind words :-) Yes, my therapist said that as well. It's the best to accept the possibility. And when I do, there's less anxiety like you said. It's just so hard to understand that my brain can cause those feelings,... feelings that feel so real, like you want a girl and so on... And that you're becoming excited even though you don't want and suffer...Sometimes it feels like denying and repressing feelings. In my darkest hours I didn't know what the truth was but I felt that my heart was always responding to men (only). Yes, I try as best as i can to distract myself by reading and listening to songs... That's good medicine. I hope that we all get better.

Those are not real feelings.

Those are not real feelings. You allow to have anxious control you. Stop thinking and avoid the opposite sex until the attraction came back and try approach to same-sex like give a hug or chill with them once the anxiety is decreased. I would also suggest once you got a response from Dr. Lane, take a break from browsing the Internet that is related to OCD, HOCD, latent homosexuality and homosexuality (like coming out the closet.) because it'll make the thought and anxiety stronger. Only speak to the therapist about the issue. I once convicted that I was gay until I find out I wasn't because I wasn't attracted to women or interested date them. The different between real feeling and anxiety feeling HOCD is that the real feeling you feel comfortable and right and you're not ashamed to show your love where the anxiety feeling, you become anxious, depressed and unable to sleep and you need to reassure yourself. Be confidence, everyone had thoughts and dreams about same sex. I also once thought that I had cancer and I was going to die until find out I didn't have cancer. Try to write to a journal about the process. I still have the unwanted l thought but I won't allow it to ruin my life. Don't expect anything when it comes to find a man or be in relationship. The most unexpected is what the mind doesn't know expect the heart. HOCD is like a career, we have thoughts of wanted to become something until you try and realize it not something you wanted to do. It is a long process but don't look back. A lot of people do have OCD and HOCD and they successfully overcome it. Now it will be my last post and I will focus on recovering.

I'm not sure what you mean by

I'm not sure what you mean by "pain", although I assume you mean emotional pain / distress.

Everything you describe continues to strongly suggest HOCD, in my opinion. I highly doubt the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing are due to repressing any true homosexual desires, so I encourage you to not entertain that idea. You can analyze this until the cows come home, but it's not going to help you. And I also strongly encourage you to distract yourself whenever you feel the urge to test - testing just reinforces the OCD cycle.

I also need to comment on the therapist's suggestion that you be hospitalized for a month. Obviously, I wasn't part of that conversation, but hospitalization for OCD (or "repressed homosexual desires, as she seemed to suggest based on your post) would not only not be helpful, it would be highly unusual. In all my years in this field, I've never heard of nor seen anyone hospitalized for OCD - unless their OCD is so severe that they are unable to function at all or they are suicidal in addition to battling (or because of) OCD.

I do encourage you to continue looking for a therapist. Knowing about OCD is far different than knowing how to treat it effectively, and I don't think most therapists know how to treat OCD - it's a very challenging and complex disorder. BUT, any therapist who knows how to treat OCD should be able to treat HOCD, even if they've never dealt with someone with this particular form of OCD.

(In the future, if you have a new post, please start a new thread rather than posting in the middle of this thread.)

Dr. Lane

Thank you. Alright i will

Thank you. Alright i will search for a new therapist who knows how to treat (h)ocd. Ive got a last question. but first you have to know that i do not have any sexual experience. I was in love with guys and wanted to be close to them and was nervous, but it hasnt gone deeper than a kiss. And I thought about sex with a guy but i got no experience. Therefore, there is no image or experience i could think of. I always ask myself why it is easier to think that a women is sexy or that sth. sexual would be thrilling. I dont want that and suffer because of those thoughts. But i always get those tingling sensations and that doing sth. sexual with a women would be exciting. but a feeling of panic and emotional pain arises as well. Why arent there the same feelings when seeing a shirtlessguy or wanting to think sexual about a guy? But then with wanted sensations. Its like my mind blocks those thoughts. Please do not misunderstand me, I REACT to hot men. When they do not wear shirts. Im like >oh my god, sexy!< But do I have to feel aroused when seeing good-looking guys for example the chippendales? I surely find that they look sexy or hot but there are no or rarely feelings comparable to the unwanted feelings or sensations (but then with men wanted sensations and feelings) i get by seeing a sexy women described above. I hate it. And i really would like to have those feelings when looking at sexy men. Or is it NOT normal to get such feelings by looking at hot men like those i described? That it would be normal to get such feelings first when beeing in a relationship? When seeing a men shirtless its like >wow< and there is a feeling or sensations but it feels good, not so by looking at women. But its not always. Iam anxious that i dont feel anything sexual for men and only unwanted sexual for women. Iam still so afraid that i automatically repress my desires. There was a nude female in tv and before i saw her i heard (before she appeared) that she is erotic stripperin and my brain focused again... and then they showed her and i felt like i was going to be aroused but at the same time i was feeling terrible and didnt want the feeling as always. Therefore i was like AUTOMCATICALLY holding the feeling back because i hated tje feeling in that moment. Its always the same. I see something sexy or hot and then there are excited feelings. But i panicked because the feeling was strong. It was not pleasing (terrible). How is it possible to feel aroused but without any respond from your heart? Like its just sexual excitement but unwanted? Is there a mistake somewhere in my brain or do processes not function at all? How can a fake feeling become so strong that I even have the feeling that im going to masturbate but feeling terrible along with it? Maybe because of those fake "excited" feelings... I dont know. Does hocd mean that you can be *aroused* or *excited* but witj this bad feeling along or after it? That you are NOT pleased by those excited feelings? fake excited?

I'm sorry, but I really am

I'm sorry, but I really am not sure what you are asking. I had a very difficult time following what you wrote. It does sound like you are analyzing everything to death - which is not uncommon with OCD - but it's not helping you.

Dr. Lane

I'm sorry that you couldn't

I'm sorry that you couldn't follow my text. I know it won't help me and I'm going to try stop analysing. I had five questions in my text I don't know why i wrote that if got only one question but forget about that:

-"Do I have to be aroused or do I have to find it thrilling when there is a good-looking men in tv?"

-"Is it NOT normal to get such feelings by looking at hot men like those i described? That it would be normal to get such feelings first when beeing in a relationship?"

-"Why is it easier to think that a women is sexy or that sth. sexual would be more thrilling even though I dont want that and suffer?"

"Why does it feel like a weird "relieve"feeling when I say: okay i let the feelings be there and see"?

"Does hocd mean that your brain is tricking you and creates feeling of excitement even though you don't want to be excited or aroused?"

And I asked it because I do not get those feelings (when there is a good looking men) comparable to those feelings(like sensations) when seeing a good-looking women in tv. But the feeling I get when I see a women are unwanted and terrible. I wondered if a straight women gets urges or feelings when she sees a guy in tv who looks good like the unwanted urges I get when seeing a women. But i always get those tingling sensations and the feeling of doing sth. sexual with a women would be exciting but a feeling of panic and emotional pain arises as well in that moment. I stated that I saw a women in tv and it felt like a strong urge or arousal but it was not pleasing as always. Its always the same. I see something sexy or hot and then there are feelings of becoming excited or the following thought is in my head: "If I only could have sex with her" This is coming along with an unwanted feeling of longing. But that's with every women who is wearing dessous or a bikini or is looking good. And i think that's ridiculous because you cant want to have sex with everyone...

Per your questions: -"Do I

Per your questions:

-"Do I have to be aroused or do I have to find it thrilling when there is a good-looking men in tv?"

No. In fact, getting aroused all the time just by seeing someone good-looking on TV would be unusual. You can find someone attractive and not automatically get aroused.

-"Is it NOT normal to get such feelings by looking at hot men like those i described? That it would be normal to get such feelings first when beeing in a relationship?"

I'm sorry, but I really have no idea what you are trying to ask - but, suffice it to say you are grasping here and over-analyzing.

-"Why is it easier to think that a women is sexy or that sth. sexual would be more thrilling even though I dont want that and suffer?"

That is likely just another symptom of HOCD - another trick your mind is playing on you.

"Why does it feel like a weird "relieve"feeling when I say: okay i let the feelings be there and see"?

Well, actually this is a good thing - when you do this you're not fighting or resisting the so-called feeling (I say so-called because I suspect the feeling is not genuine, but rather your mind trying to convince you that it is - typical of HOCD.)

"Does hocd mean that your brain is tricking you and creates feeling of excitement even though you don't want to be excited or aroused?"

Yes, that is one aspect of how HOCD often works.

Dr. Lane

I have sth. to say because of

I have sth. to say because of your answer of the question "Why does it feel like a weird "relieve"feeling when I say: okay i let the feelings be there and see"? I felt that way while I was seeing a good looking women and a guy.

-Can hocd make you feel like you have to masturbate (maybe because of this fake "exciting" feelings?

-Why do you think that i could repress my desires?

In that moment it felt like i was aroused and couldn't resist... It felt like an unwanted temptation, but i hated it inside. It was like everything inside me cried to stop but i couldn't.

And while masturbating it felt terrible but like i was "finally" allowing myself those "exciting" feelings. Like repressing and letting it go and like a terrible "relieve" and that it would be the best and greatest and so on (like i described before).
And to the first question. I meant that because i become unwanted arousal feelings when seeing women in swimsuits for example and thats why i asked if women get arousal feelimgs when seeing a men wearing bathers for example.

But I have to say that I'm now searching for a therapist but feeling much better because of you. Thank you very much, doctor lane :-) You have been a great help for me just because you are there answering my questions. I feel calmer and more relaxed. And i hope i dont annoy you with my questions but ... its just that it makes me feel better. thank you again for that.

One of the forms of OCD

One of the forms of OCD obsessions is the frequent "urge" to do something - even though you don't want to do it. So, the fact that you feel like you have to masturbate is likely another form of the HOCD.

As for repressing your desires. I think it is unlikely that you are "repressing" anything - I've already said that, so I am not going to attempt to answer a question about something that I don't believe applies to you, okay?

Again, everything you describe is pretty typical with HOCD. Once you find a therapist to work with, he or she can help you learn to manage these thoughts, urges, and "feelings" that are causing you so much distress.

Your questions don't annoy me at all; unfortunately, sometimes I'm not sure what you are trying to ask. I am glad that you are finding something helpful in my responses and that you are starting to feel calmer and more relaxed.

Dr. Lane

Hello, I wanted to tell you

Hello, I wanted to tell you that I'm making progess. I'm still searching for a good therapist, but it's not easy. There are a lot of good days when I'm saying that i know what i want and that I'm definetly not a lesbian. But there are bad days as well. Today is such a bad day and I'm feeling terrible... That's why I'm writing to you. But I know that I have to ignore the feelings and thoughts coming into my head. It interests me, what real homosexual people fear.
-Why do they repress? Are there homosexual people in the world getting feeings like desire or longing for the same-sex and then getting a huge panic attack or are they hurt because of the feeling itself?
I read a story about two women loving each other and I immediately got the feeling of being excited or even aroused?! (i don't know) and again it felt like i coulnd't resist while i had to imagine being that women. But again i felt terrible and didn't want to feel that way.
It's like all the times I read or hear something, see something...
-Or do they enjoy the feeling itself first and then repress it because they're afraid of what their family could say (for example)?
- How can an ilness like hocd create such a strong feeling that feels like a desire? Like it would be so great. I know i asked you before but I can't understand how this can be possible. Everytime I think it's over, i feel forced to remember the moment I was watching the scene where a men and a women were having sex and i felt like i was finally allowing my feelings and that it was exciting and i want to be the guy... And everytime I remember this, I feel horrible because it felt so real. Is this really possible? (I'm afraid that I'm homosexual or bisexual and can't accept those feelings and repress them automatically and feel terrible.)
Deep in my heart I know that I can't be a lesbian because when I think of women I only see them as friends or sisters. It's alien for me to see them as lovers. And when I think of guys I see them as potential lovers. Is this the proof that I can't be bisexual or whatever?

I think I got it right now. I

I think I got it right now. I understand why people supress: They don't suffer because of the feeling itself, but rather feel insecure and supress only because of their family, religion, etc. And therefore feeling bad and supress. And People with hocd get fake feelings because of their mind tricking them. And they're anxious and suffer because of the feeling itself.
But I'm so afraid that I'm too stubborn to accept and there's only my will blocking my true feelings... I'd hate it. When my will is broken then it feels like finally allowing and in the situation good or exciting... It's terrible... is this the proof to be homosexual? That there's only my stubborn will in my way and I don't want it but when don't defend and allowing.. then i want it?... Oh my god this is horrible. Each time I get a feeling I press it away automatically and find it horrible the way i felt. Maybe because I'm afraid or just don't want? Maybe there's something deep inside me knowing that it's wrong? And that's why I'm blocking?
Is there a possibility to not wanting those feelings and rejecting them when they come?.. Does it sound to you that I'm rejecting feelings when they come? because I reject them in my mind before they come and not allowing them? I'M SO AFRAID BECAUSE OF THIS! Please help me.

I have nothing more to say

I have nothing more to say that will be helpful to you. I hope you are able to work with a therapist soon. I sincerely wish you the best.

Dr. Lane

Hello Dr. Lane, I haven't

Hello Dr. Lane, I haven't posted here for a long time. I'm getting help. The therapist is really nice and helped me a lot so far. She told me about ocd and how i will overcome it. She also gave me an advice what I should do when there is a thought or a feeling. And i really have to say that it has become a lot better. There are days when I barely think about it and feel quite confident, but there are days I don't feel good and then it's hard for me to trust myself. But that's the only way I can beat this illness...
Now I'm scared that I'm stuck... That it won't become better and that I'll always have it that way: I mean some days are good but the others. Just as today. I was crying because I got a feeling again and couldn't trust myself anymore.
We're working on this thoughts and feelings right now. But I don't understand how these feelings are conjured by ocd... I just don't get it. It feels so terrible real. And I'm totally hurt by those feelings.
Do you know how this can be?
The feelings like this: I see a women and on bad days when I start to see a women ocd automatically rushes in and creates something in my chest. Like a wanting feeling and also it really (it's scary for me) FEELS like it would be the best to be with this women. Why does it really feel like that? It's not simply a thought without anything. It's a feeling and that scares the shit out of me. And I'm trying to defend it... But i know i have to allow it and say: That doesn't matter, I can trust myself, but in that moment I just CAN'T trust myself anymore... Because I think if I allow that feeling or thoughts I accept something I'm not. Recently I saw a young men and I found he looked handsome and those feelings are so good. They let me calm down and make me feel fine, comfortable and like my sorrow has been taken away so easily. Hope you can help me with that. Thank you.

Hi Question, I'm really glad

Hi Question,

I'm really glad you're working with a therapist and that it's been helpful. At this point, I encourage you to 1) discuss these things with your therapist, and 2) apply the advice / techniques she's already given you regarding how to handle troubling thoughts or feelings. You said it's been helpful, so please keep doing what's working. And if it doesn't seem to work for these particular issues, then the two of you together can figure out why, and what to do.

I really prefer that readers discuss issues with their therapist once they are in treatment, rather than have me intervene and offer advice. Your therapist is the best person to advise and guide you with this as she knows you and also knows the work you've been doing in therapy.

Dr. Lane

I discussed the "feelings"

I discussed the "feelings" with my therapist... and unfortunately she made it worse, because she said that I might have homosexual fantasies. And since that time my ocd has become unbearable.. I constantly get urges when I see women... I can't stand those "feelings" anymore. They make me so sick. I'm crying right now and I don't know what to do anymore. I want to stop it but I feel powerless... Maybe she misunderstood me because I said: I get a feeling like I want to sleep with a women or get feelings of excitement. And I test myself again. I imagine sex with a women and my reaction to it. If I get a negative or neutral reaction I'm glad and pleased. And If I get a feeling like excitement or that I would enjoy it... I'm totally horrified and anxious again. It just won't stop.. The worst is the feeling I get when I see a good-looking women in tv (or when she's dressed sexy): There is a "feeling" showing up that it would be the best to do something with here in a sexual way. And I absolutely hate these feelings. I hate them so much I can't tell you. It's like a torture for me and in the moment I test and imagine this scenes in my head I'm totally unhappy and look sad and tortured as well... Do i have to accept the feelings? And say okay let them be there they mean nothing because they torture me? Or is there a possibility that those feelings are true and I can't accept my hidden self? I don't know what to do right now. I want to have a boyfriend... The feelings for men feel pleasing. And I just want to forget the other one.

Hi Question, First, all of

Hi Question,

First, all of the things you mentioned are good things to talk about during your next session with your therapist, okay? I know it can be very hard waiting from one appointment to the next, when you're feeling so distressed. But you did say she had given you some advice regarding how to cope. Remember the suggestions that were helpful and keep applying them.

Now, I suspect the "feeling" you keep referring to is probably an impulse or urge to act on the thoughts. Unwanted impulses and urges are another form of OCD obsessions; they can be very compelling and very distressing. And, I suspect, it's the "HOCD bully" in your mind telling you that you would enjoy acting on those urges, even though you know you wouldn't (if you would, you wouldn't feel horrified and anxious, right?).

As for your therapist saying you might be having homosexual fantasies - keep in mind, I don't know the context of that statement, but here are my thoughts on that: A "fantasy" essentially involves entertaining something in our mind. Although the idea of a "fantasy" is often meant as something desirable or pleasurable, we can also "fantasize" about bad things - things we don't want to happen. In that regard, most individuals with HOCD (if not all) have homosexual fantasies - in that they are picturing sexual situations and images in their mind that involve them with someone of the same sex. BUT, that doesn't mean the fantasy is pleasurable, or wanted, or something they remotely enjoy.

These "fantasies" are also often used by individuals with HOCD as a way of checking their reaction, in an attempt to confirm or disprove that they are gay.

So, in that regard, it's very normal with HOCD to have homosexual fantasies, but I think you are interpreting her statement as a sort of confirmation that you have genuine homosexual feelings and desires.

I think it's important for you to discuss how this statement impacted you in your next session. Now, maybe your therapist meant something different than what I stated above; I don't know because I don't know your therapist and wasn't part of that conversation. But that's my take on it.

I hope that helps!

Dr. Lane

Thank you for your quick

Thank you for your quick response. Yes, it's hard to wait but I'm patient. Some days are better than the others, but I quess that's normal. Today I've overcome the doubts a little bit. I keep telling myself that if I'm anxious and tortured I can't have desires for the same sex. And this helps me a lot. I appreciate your words.I really want to work on it, because I want to be healthy again and want to cope with the thoughts and those feelings. You're right I imagine something and the bully comes in and says: the feeling that you have right now is not being repulsed you enjoy it and then freak out. But then I guess I have to say: It doesn't matter I love men in my heart and that's all that's important. I also have to distract myself. I try to stop checking mentally. It won't help me, it will make things only worse. Thank you again. Have a nice day :-)

One quick word of caution and

One quick word of caution and something to really think about: You say you "keep telling" yourself that if you're anxious and tortured that means you can't have any desire for the same sex. But that's really another form of compulsive behavior - you're compulsively reassuring yourself by presenting "evidence" that you're straight. Reassurances, as you know by now, don't really work. At best, they provide fleeting relief.

The thing that you really need to learn is how to be OKAY with uncertainty - in this case, uncertainty about your sexual orientation. You don't need to be "100% sure" - that's not really the goal.

Now, the HOCD bully will likely jump in and say, "If you're not 100% certain that you're straight, then you MUST be gay!!" That's another lie. We don't have to be certain about something in order for it to be true.

There's a reason OCD is often referred to as the "doubting disorder"...

Dr. Lane

Today was a good day because

Today was a good day because everytime a thought or feeling came up I said to myself that it would be okay if I were a lesbian. And the anxiety diminished after a few seconds. Thank you for that. I will keep concentrate on it. I have to correct one thing what I said: i posted above: "I imagine sex with a women and my reaction to it. If I get a negative or neutral reaction I'm glad and pleased. And If I get a feeling like excitement or that I would enjoy it.." And what I meant was that it suddenly feels like I enjoy it in my mind or that it could be a fantasy but I don't want that or that there are suddenly some positive feelings showing up while imagine further, like when I imagine breasts that it would feel fine or exciting (in my mind) or stimulating touching them (now when I think normal about it i think it's disgusting. I hope that makes sense because everytime I'm trying to explain it,.. I don't find the right words to say. Does the hocd bully make me believe that I enjoy it right now when I imagine something? And how does this bully create those false feelings? It just interests me. Thank you again for the great advice.

Hello Dr. Lane. I'm happy to

Hello Dr. Lane. I'm happy to say that I'm really doing fine right now. I've discussed another issue with my therapist. She wanted to know why I haven't had a boyfriend so far... And the case is this: there's this young men (he's two years younger than me) who seems to be interested in me. But he is really shy. One day I was looking outside my window and saw him (because he sometimes delivers the post for some extra money). He was looking in my direction very often (he lives in the neighbourhood and knows where I live). The problem is that I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now. He's really cute and the first time we met I immediately thought: What a sweet guy! Afterwards I was thinking about him (not the whole day but quite frequently). But we don't see each other often. There was this festival in august we met again and I was happy to see him and was looking forward to talking to him. I recognized that he looked at me quite often. After that I dreamt about him three times and thought about him too. I really like him but don't have those butterflies in my stomach or get totally nervous when I see him walking on the other side of the street. It's just... that there's a sudden feeling in my belly (like a needle and getting a bit nervous afterwards... looking what he's doing)... Now I'm not sure because of my ocd... If I'm only wishing to be in love with this guy (as a proof for not being homo- or bisexual) or if I'm only imagine it,..and in reality it's not true. My mind blurs everything so I can't really say for sure. Is it possible that someone can imagine to be in love? I really would be thankful if you could help me and tell me what you think about it. Best wishes.

Hi Question, I'm glad to hear

Hi Question,

I'm glad to hear that you're doing well! If you're already working with a therapist, I think it would be better for you to direct your questions about this guy (and your feelings for him) with her, rather than getting my input. This is exactly the type of issue to talk about in therapy! (And your therapist knows you, so her input would be far more valuable than mine at this point.)

Dr. Lane

Hello Dr. Lane, it has been a

Hello Dr. Lane,

it has been a while since I posted here the last time and I'm nearly at the end of my therapy. I really had a good time and I'm glad to say that I had approximately 4 weeks without any bothersome feelings or thoughts. Now in February there is another "hard" phase. I'm seeing my therapist not as often anymore and right now I have this problem... Two days ago it started with impulses to watch videos with women stripping and testing again. How I react and the impulses were strong and I gave up... I couldn't do anything against it. And because I know how OCD is I realised that it's not good what I'm doing but i just couldn't help myself. Then I realised I became aroused but I said to myself: Just let any feeling that arises come and then I thought about the feelings that could come,... like being aroused more and being attracted and suddenly I got this feeling to really wanting to imagine sth sexual; and the feeling that if I do that it would feel great,...and I got excited and nearly wanted to masturbate but there's another strong voice and inner blockade in me saying NO and I just can't get off to these thoughts or feelings. I can't and I don't want either.
And because I'm seeing my therapist next week and it's important to me what this is about I really need your help... Please help me.

Hi Question, You've been in

Hi Question,

You've been in therapy for over a year now, so I would hope that you have learned strategies for how to manage these impulses when they occur; if not, then it seems you're not really "nearly at the end" of your therapy. I don't say that as a criticism. However, OCD is usually a life long disorder. Some people do overcome it completely, but for most, there will still be times when obsessions and compulsions start to creep in, so learning how to manage them is crucial.

If I understood the point of your post correctly, you want to know "what this is about". I have no way of answering that. Also, the answer may not be helpful even if your therapist can shed insight on the underlying issue.

One of the biggest issues for anyone with HOCD is that they tend to scrutinze and overanalyze everything (e.g. every thought, urge, groinal response, etc.) from the standpoint of whether or not it means they're gay. It seems you are still doing that.

Let's say you go ahead and masturbate to these thoughts / urges, and get off on them. Does that now mean you're gay? No. It doesn't necessarily mean anything. But it seems you're still very afraid that it "means" something about your sexual orientation (at least that's how I'm interpreting your post).

I don't know if you're working with a cognitive behavioral therapist or not (I don't think you ever specified). With CBT, one of the primary goals with HOCD is to learn to tolerate the uncertainty about your sexual orientation. It doesn't seem you've reached that point yet.

It may be that you need to go back to more frequent sessions if this is causing so much distress that you can't wait until next week to talk to your therapist. I highly recommend that you get very clear on how to handle the doubts, urges, "what ifs", etc. when they occur - because they will very likely continue to do so at times, even after therapy.

I wish I could offer something more helpful.

Dr. Lane

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