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Hello everyone. Sorry this is kinda long.
I'm a 18 year old male and I think I've been suffering from HOCD for about 5 years now. I think it started when I was watching this tv programme and a guy in it had a girlfriend but then turned gay. I think I got anxious after that and wondered if I was gay. I've always been attracted to girls. I remember crushes and fantasies since I was young, but now I'm asking myself if these were crushes and if I was  just thinking I had a crush. Could this be HOCD playing tricks on my mind. It just seems to  twist round everything in my head. About 7 months ago anxiety hit me hard. I literally sat in my room for a whole night wondering whether I was gay. I even broke down and cried at 1 point. I never thought I was gay and I always thought of having children when I'm older and I've often lay awake at night thinking of girls I liked not just sexually but emotionally as well. I seem to find I think more emotionally about girls I like and sexually about girls I find attractive but don't have crushes on. Anyway I had a crush on a girl up until about 2 months ago. Then everything was fine in that I didn't think about being gay. I then walked in on my sister watching a tv show and these 2 guys kissed. I was so so shocked! I think this triggered  my recent attack. I've read somewhere of something called the backdoor spike where you are anxious about not being anxious. I also read that it is on the road to recovery, but I don't feel anxious at all but the thoughts are as bad as ever. I have lost my sex drive. If I think about straight thoughts I  get pretty much the same reaction as I do for gay thoughts. It's unbelievably annoying. I feel a bit depressed all the time. I'm now trying to convince myself
That I have HOCD. Does HOCD make you think like this? I want these thoughts to go away but on the Back of my head I'm saying your gay. Accept it. I don't want to be gay but saying that and thinking of straight thoughts does nothing for me. When I think of gay thoughts I feel slightly more uncomfortable but not overly so. When I think of lesbians I don't get the same feelings as when I think of two guys kissing. I feel lesbians more naturally appealing to me. But then again the feeling is so neutral. I feel almost
 I often look at other peoples posts to see I'd their stories are the same as mine. I heard doing this is bad as it can make your OCD worse. It has more to feed off. I remember looking at the posts at the start of having OCD  and thinking it was like my story but now as I look at more and more I'm not so sure. I feel like I have to have the exact same symptoms as them. 
Also I've never been comfortable around girls. I can get anxious if I find out a girl likes me. I don't know why? I feel like running away and never talking to them! It's always when I don't particulary like a girl. I also have read stories about people realising their gay and I think this has fuelled the fire. I now think maybe I do want to be with a guy. I then push the thought out of my head but analyse what I thought of the thought. Then I think about a girl but It isn't any different and I'm left confused. 
I'm sorry this is so long! Just wanted to see what people think of my story. I'd be grateful for any feedback.
PS i don't know if this Is OCD in a different form but when I was young (10-11)I was terrified of my parents dying. I used to feel if they were breathing every morning. Sounds really stupid now. It only went on for about a year.

Hi J-man, My apologies for

Hi J-man,

My apologies for not responding to your post sooner!

While I can't say for sure, it doesn't sound like you are gay. You may have HOCD (and possibly a history of OCD or severe anxiety in general). You are describing obsessive thoughts that you can't control and that is a primary symptom of OCD.

As for feeling uncomfortable around girls and wanting to run away from them - that could be due to anxiety or low self-esteem. But you also went on to say this always happened when it involved a girl you didn't like. It's not uncommon to feel uncomfortable with someone who likes you, but you don't feel that way in return.

If your obsessive thoughts are affecting your life so much that you find it hard to function normally (e.g. you can't focus at work or at school) then I recommend you see a mental health professional for an evaluation (e.g. a psychologist, psychiatrist, or other type of therapist). Whoever you see can better determine what is going on and the best treatment plan if needed.

I hope this helps and I wish you the best!

Dr. Lane


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