I have taken your advice Dr.lane...

My therapist approach is this, she would like to find the reason why I am getting the HOCD, she thinks whatever is causing my HOCD is serving me a purpose in some way (???). She wants to get to the bottom of this all and cure the root of this disease. I have also done some reasearch online too, it turns out I have what one would call spectrum HOCD, which means that a homo fantasy caused all this. The article specifies that I am not hanging off either side of the kinsey scale. But nonetheless I am still heterosexual, because for two reasons, one I am terrified of homosexual encounters and I could never be in love with another man. A real homosexual or bisexual would want to have homo encounters and could live a life with another man. I cannot. However, this article has reassured me in a way, but it has worsened my HOCD in another way. Before, there was still always a glimmer of hope that all this pain could end...and I could go on living life. But now, everytime I look in the mirror, I hate what stares back at me, I see the disgusting image that stares back at me, because this sh*t is in me, and it will never go away. I have lost all confidence, because I cant be this. That glimmer of hope is completely gone, I feel more deppressed than ever, I have talked to my therapist about my suicidal thoughts, I have been on suicide support sites. All they tell me is: it will get better, everything will get better. But I know that is BS, because it will always be part of me, and I want it to dissappear. I want it to go away, if it did, then maybe....just maybe it will get better. But it never will go away, and I am so deppressed. I am so sickened and so sad. I dont care about anything now..The truth has hit me so hard.