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I think I really am a lesbian now. What do you think?

Recently (Actually 4 months now) I've been very depressed. I keep on trying to convinvce myself that I'm straight but at this point I really think I'm a lesbian. I think it started off as HOCD (Or at least all the symptoms are there and I only started doubting myself when I girl said I was a lesbian) It has become harder and harder for me to be able to tell myself that I am straight. I don't believe it anymore. I heard toay that HOCD sufferers shouldn't try to convince themselves they're straight. That they should let thoughts of the same gender corrupt their mind and eventually they will lose interest. But what if I don't lose interest? A few days ago I actually started (Or maybe I was just horny in the first place- I was also mas****ting- so maybe I just got confused that the photos were the only things turning me on) to get turned on by images of heterosexual porn (I hope it wasn't just the girl that was turning me on) and I even became aroused at some pictures of lesbian porn. I'm not very scared that I'm homosexual. If I wasn't homosexual then I would get aroused but stuff like that. I'm scared that if I let myself think lesbian thoughts I will find out that I really am a lesbian (or am I one right now but just avoiding it...) I don't want to tell my parents this. I don't want them to think that I'm a lesbian. I don't want to be a lesbian. I wish I was dead. My family is as poor as dirt. We have a family doctor finally, and I want to make an excuse to see her. But I can't help but think that I really am gay and that whatever help I get from her won't do anything because I really will be gay. Everytime I get this small amount of hope, my thoughts hit me like a tsunami and I'm once again convinced I'm gay. I've asked questions like this repeatedly- I used to find comfort in them but now it's just a useless attempt. It's like I'm pretending to be straight now. I've lost any sign of light in my darkness. If I haven't been going through enough already, just yesterday I feel so greedy now asking God to make me straight. Especially because day before I heard that my grandpa, I said "I'd rather get cancer than doubt my sexuality. I wouldn't mind getting cancer as long as I KNEW and had absolutely no doubts that I was heterosexual." But now I get more and more questions and thoughts. "You're happy being gay. You want to be with girls. You are attracted to girls and boys make you sick." I'm also starting to be convinced that it's only coming out to my parents that I'm upset about. But at first it was only myself and my future I had concern for... but why has it all changed? Also, all this time I continued to ask questions "Am I a lesbian?" on any website I could. I cried everyday and threw up... I tried to take the throwing up ad put it to my advantage. I thought that I could somehow traumatize myself by thiking about women while throwing up. It had the opposite effect and for a long while afterwards think about boys made me feel sick (eventually girls did, too...but now I feel nothingness.) I played constant ridiculous games with myself- trying to predict things (ie I'm straight if my cat licks my hand) to determine things. I use this alot when I'm stressed out about other things. I actually believed it, too, but now it seems that all hope of being heterosexual is lost. I can never accept myself and I don't want anybody else to. I've just given up. I keep on thinking of my parents these days. I know that if I tell them they'll treat me differently and I don't want that. I spend most of my time now up in my room on my netbook thinking about my sexuality. My parents don't understand that I'm really depressed (they don't know anything about this) so I get sent off to school in the morning everyday. Everyday I think about this and try not to burst into tears until I'm in my room.

Hi GoneForever, It certainly

Hi GoneForever,

It certainly sounds like you are very distressed and need some help sorting through all of this. I can never say for sure whether or not you or anyone else who posts here is gay or straight. With your post, the thing I didn't see (or perhaps I missed it) was whether or not you are sexually attracted to males or females. It seemed to be implied that you are attracted to males only, so I will assume that but please correct me if I'm wrong.

If you were a lesbian, you would be sexually attracted to females, and not males. An occasional erotic thought about a female, or even getting aroused while watching heterosexual porn, doesn't mean you are gay.

Overall, this sounds much more like HOCD. You are obsessed with your fear of being a lesbian, and you are even engaging in rituals (letting the cat lick your hand) to help ease your fears. You also sound quite depressed.

If you were to go to your doctor, she may prescribe medication, but it's not the best treatment for OCD. However, medication can help reduce the symptoms to some degree - for some people. It doesn't work for everyone and may also take some trial and error to find the right medication and dose.

Cognitive behavioral therapy is the best treatment for this disorder, and should be done with a therapist who is very experienced in treating OCD (HOCD is a type of OCD).

I strongly encourage you to talk to your parents. You don't need to go into the details; rather, let them know that you have been feeling extremely anxious and depressed and that it is really affecting your life. You don't need to tell them about your obsessive thoughts and fears about being a lesbian.

Unless they are really uncaring, they will probably want to do whatever they can to help you. If finances are limited, then you may not be able to get therapy. You could check to see if there are any support groups in your area, or look online. This site has many great resources that you can explore as well.

As for not trying to convince yourself that you're straight - there is a lot of truth to that although I don't agree with the idea that the thoughts of being gay will "corrupt" your mind. Rather, the more you fight these thoughts, the more power you give them. However, with OCD, that is much easier said than done and may be impossible for you to do (i.e. to stop fighting them), but it's worth trying.

Cognitive behavioral therapy teaches you to change patterns of thinking that fuel OCD, and helps you to manage the symptoms. That's why it is so effective.

I hope this helps, and I hope that you can talk to your parents and get the treatment you need. In the meantime, I highly doubt that you are a lesbian!

Dr. Lane

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