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I want to drop out of therapy

Dr.Lane, this therapy stuff is killing me so bad right now, I have wrote down all my fears on the stupid sheet, I only see one fear, and that is I am afraid I am a homo, I told my therapist about everything today. But it just isnt working, we are going to start exposure next week, I dont think I can take it, I want to drop out so bad, I am losing courage. She doesnt understand what I am going through, (I dont think she has dealed with HOCD before), she doesnt even think I have OCD, because I dont have compulsions, this is so dissapointing. Dr.Lane, it feels like I am at the the end of the road again, I know I dont feel romantic around men, this morning I felt better, but now I feel so bad, today I saw a lady wearing a pair of tights, I got turned on, but now a days I am afraid of being turned on so bad. I feel so bad, I feel like crap, I dont like men at all, this morning I was sure I am 100% straight, now I am getting doubts and doubts. I dont know what to do, I am in therapy, I feel like horse crap, the only way I feel better is thinking about death. What am I going to do. I have exhausted my choices. I feel like there is no point living, if I am being tormented every damn second by this disease. Is Therapy making my disease worse. I think it is. Nobody understands me, not even myself, not the therapist. I dont get excited when looking at strait pornography like before, and I wont look at homo porn, because it is pretty nasty and will spike me. I feel numb when I look at a girl. If sarah showed interest in me, I would forget this sh*t but there is no f*cking way that will happen. I cant even go to the damn public washrooms anymore. I am so sick in the mind.

You can have OCD without

You can have OCD without having compulsions. The criteria is "either obsessions or compulsions", although many people have both. It is in the DSM (the diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders used by mental health professionals for diagnosis). If that is her ONLY reason for thinking you don't have OCD, then that is a problem. But there may be other reasons and I don't want to second guess her judgment.

The therapy process takes time. You must be patient. I don't know what your therapist's approach is, but you have to give it time. It doesn't work overnight for anyone.

If Sarah showed interest in you, it will very likely not fix everything - which is what you are assuming.

If you are seriously considering suicide, you MUST tell your therapist that or let someone know. Talk to your therapist, or someone at a church, or call a crisis line, or go to the nearest ER. The 24/7 national suicide hotline is: 1-800-273-8255. Please call that if you are thinking of hurting yourself in any way.

I realize that right now it seems like nothing will ever change, but you don't know that for sure and it can get better.

Are you doing yoga? Are you exercising? Are you doing any of the things I suggested in another post to you awhile back? Therapy can help but you also have to do things to take care of yourself as well. Sometimes things do feel worse when you are in the early stage of therapy. So, hang in there.

Dr. Lane

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